How to minimize the negative impact of divorce on children

It is estimated that around 50% of married couples end up divorcing. These figures refer to Spain (INCE, 2009) and it is calculated that this percentage is rising more and more.

We are currently undergoing numerous changes at the social level, relationships are conceived in multiple ways, each time there is greater diversity in the types of family and the idea of ​​marriage as the only way to have a family is far away own.

Divorces are the order of the day and in fact these cases abound not only in the judicial sphere but also in psychological consultationsEither because the person who is getting divorced needs psychological support during the process or because the parents see that this situation is affecting their children.

• Related article: "How to develop Emotional Intelligence in children"

What effect does divorce have on children?

The effect that divorce can have is highly variable depending on different factors. Mainly When parents are in a constant war, boys and girls may later develop some type of psychological disorder

(anxiety, depression, social maladjustment, etc.). But what studies show us is that most children will go through a period of transition until you adapt to the situation so that you will not necessarily develop problems later.

The main imbalances that minors usually have fall on problems in school performance as well as an emotional and / or social imbalance.

On the other hand, it is important to mention that currently divorce is no longer an exception but has been normalized and therefore therefore it is easier for the minor to find other people their age who are going through, or have gone through, the same situation. This makes the impact of divorce much less.

What can we fathers and mothers do?

Without a doubt, a priority is the cordial relationship that parents must maintain. It seems obvious that the more disputes the parents have, the more the process will affect the sons and daughters. Therefore it is necessary that both maintain a conciliatory attitude or, at least, that in front of them they try to eliminate conflicts.

There are some tips to minimize the impact of divorce; are as follows.

1. Explain the situation to the minor

Sometimes we think that we must protect our children at all costs and that this means not telling them what is happening. In fact, the opposite is true. At some point they will know the truth and it is preferable that they find out from their parents and not from other people. Try to adapt the explanation to their age, use clear words and do not give too much information that they cannot understand.

• You may be interested in: "The 10 basic communication skills"

2. Make sure they have understood the explanation

We will have to make sure that they understand what we have explained to them, that they know that the situation is not reversible and that they understand that what is happening does not affect how we feel about him / her. It will be explained that she will have to adjust to some changes, but that you must understand that what has happened is not your fault, since sometimes the lack of information and discussions leads them to think this.

3. Solve your doubts

It is normal that after all the information doubts arise and as far as possible we should try to solve them. When we do not have an answer to a question, it is preferable that we tell the truth: "the truth is that I still do not know this but as soon as we have it clear I will tell you". Avoid giving false illusions or explanations based on assumptions that we do not know if they can later be fulfilled.

4. Describe the changes

If we explain in advance who he will live with, how many days he will spend with his other parent and what things will change and which ones will remain the same, it will be easier for him to adapt to the new situation.

5. Understand your emotions

The boy or girl will go through a process of adaptation, just like the couple who will have to face the “grief” that separation entails.. For this reason it is important that we be open, we are interested in how the child feels and we leave space for her emotions without trying to eliminate them. It is normal for you to be sad, angry, or even scared at first. It will be necessary to explain to him that it is common to go through these emotions and to help him during the process.

6. Avoid badmouthing the other

One of the main mistakes former partners make is to speak ill of the other parent to their children. In the end if we fall into this we will be depriving him of something essential for his proper development, both emotionally and socially.

7. Avoid using children as intermediaries

Just like you have to avoid speaking ill of the other person, it happens many times that children are used as a means to influence the behavior and decisions of the other spouse. Many times the effects that this produces in children are not taken into account, but in the long term we will not be doing them any favors.

Looking for help?

Finally, it is important to highlight that a divorce does not have to be more conflictive and damaging to a minor than a marriage. In fact, if there are constant conflicts in the marriage and a negative climate in the family, in the end it will end up having repercussions on the children.

Therefore, it is not necessary to excuse oneself in the idea that the children will not be able to bear the divorce, since as we have seen they end adapting and it is preferable to living with conflicts at home, as long as these conflicts do not extend to the process of separation.

Sometimes the adaptation period of minors is complicated and the help of a professional may be necessary. If this is your case, do not hesitate to get in touch with us and we will be able to advise you as well as offer you support during the process.