6 signs you have assertiveness problems

The way in which we manage our way of relating to others explains much of our ability to enjoy physical and mental well-being. After all, we are a social species, we have evolved to be in contact with the rest of the members of humanity, and a good part of our learning has to do with knowing how to live and communicate with the rest.

However, getting to do well in social relationships is not always easy. In the interaction with others there are many factors at play, and one of them has to do with our way of find a balance between what we want to express and what we think others would like to hear from U.S. Those who achieve this, manage to communicate in a way in which they defend their rights and opinions while respecting their interlocutors when expressing them. Those who do not succeed develop assertiveness problems. Let's see what they consist of.

• Related article: "The 3 styles of communication, and how to recognize them"

What is assertiveness?

Assertiveness is, in short, the ability to express those things that we believe it is important to be able to say, while we empathize with the interlocutor and adapt our language so as not to generate unnecessary discomfort in him

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That means that assertiveness takes into account both the interests of oneself and those of whoever hears or reads what we say. Therefore, it is one of the psychological aptitudes to live in society, since it allows to generate networks of mutual aid in which everyone's interests are represented in a more or less balanced.

Learning to develop social skills that incorporate good assertiveness is essential to be able to function well in social relationships, both in personal life and at work. We will see why below.

How do I know if I have assertiveness problems? 6 warning signs

Many people have frequent problems due to poor handling of assertiveness. Of these, many are aware of what is happening to them and seek professional help in psychotherapy, a context in which it is possible to train social skills; However, a very large percentage of these people are either not aware of the origin of their discomfort when interacting with others, or they assume that it is inevitable to always fall into these errors.

To become aware of what it means to experience assertiveness problems, pay attention to this list of signs that indicate that you are suffering from them in your day-to-day life.

1. You prefer to wait hours or even days before saying something that you think will not like

If this behavior is systematic and is repeated relatively frequently, it is very likely that you have a problematic lack of assertiveness.

2. You create problems for not communicating uncomfortable facts or mistakes that you have made

This “strategy” of fleeing forward is very common in those who have assertiveness problems, and they are an example of self-sabotage behavior. They only serve to make the setbacks to be resolved accumulate, and to worsen relationships by not speaking when it was time to do so.

3. A tendency to conformity appears

People with a lack of assertiveness take a passive role in communication, letting others make the decisions or those who express the most important ideas.

4. The need to change plans arises due to not enforcing one's own interests

Another sign that someone has assertiveness problems is found in the tendency to take for good situations incompatible with their plans, without even trying to generate alternatives or talk about it with others to find a situation that best suits everyone's interests.

5. Passive-aggressive confrontational style

Even when people with a lack of assertiveness express their anger, they do so without directly confronting or speaking clearly about what has bothered them., and they bend to the situation that has caused that discomfort. At most, they will ambiguously express their emotional state of disgust or disgust, and little else.

• You may be interested in: "Passive-aggressive behavior: its 10 characteristics"

6. What you say is often unintentionally hurtful

Do not forget that not all assertiveness problems arise from not daring to upset the other person; The opposite can also happen, that we hardly think about how we can take what we say. When this happens, communication is altered both by the negative emotional impact of what we have said, and by by our attempts to "fix" the uncomfortable situation we have caused, which interrupt the flow of communication.

Are you looking for psychotherapeutic support?

If you want to have professional psychological support to improve your social skills, contact contact me: I offer sessions both in person in the Malaga area, and online by video call.

Bibliographic references:

• Castanyer, O. (2003). Assertiveness: expression of healthy self-esteem. Bilbao: Descleé de Brouwer.
• Kelly, J. (2015). Social Skills Training. Bilbao: Desclée de Brouwer.