How to educate your children in the limits?

The issue of limits applied to the education and upbringing of children and adolescents is often controversial. This is in part because the issue of how to educate the little ones in the house has a strong emotional charge when touching "closely" many fathers and mothers: nobody likes to feel questioned in such an important area of ​​life and even their own identity.

However, in practice, beliefs about whether these limits are good or bad are more ideological than real. The truth is that, in practice, all parents set limits at home, establish more or less clear rules about what the little one can or should do. However… How should we apply those limits when raising our children? This is the real debate.

• Related article: "Child therapy: what is it and what are its benefits"

Why is it important to find a balance when setting limits on parenting?

Many parents assume that, since the little ones in the house cannot fend for themselves and do not know what can harm them in the short and long term, they must be constantly supervised from strict vigilance and control, in which "by default", almost any action that deviates from the conventional must be discouraged or even prohibited.

Others, on the other hand, show a predisposition totally contrary to the previous one: they assume that trying to set limits and norms creates more problems than it solves and that the simplest and most appropriate option is to leave the sleeve wide, to allow the little ones to be the ones to learn for themselves what has positive consequences for them and what not.

Both positions are based on mistakes, and deep down, they are based on a very simplistic way of looking at the upbringing and education of children in their childhood and adolescence. Actually, the existence of limits when educating children is natural taking into account that our role as adults implies giving protection to minors and at the same time allowing them to develop through their own learning in the best possible way. A parenting without applying these rules cancels itself, it cannot exist.

Thus, the application of limits with our young children is a logical consequence of our role as parents. These “red lines” that must not be crossed are not so much prohibitions as references and guidelines to orient oneself in a very complex world full of ambiguities.. Limits can be the sign that punishments exist, but they are also an opportunity to think about why certain behaviors are not desirable from the point of view of the elders of the house, and what needs to be done to mature and win autonomy.

• You may be interested in: "The 6 stages of childhood (physical and mental development)"

5 tips to educate your young children on limits

The limits to be set in the education of a boy or a girl depend on both the family context and the characteristics of the minor. But beyond this, you can guide yourself from these key tips and ideas as you apply and include them in your parenting model.

1. Make sure the rules are few and very clear

For the child to be able to remember these rules well, it is important that they are relatively few and simple, not including many exceptions or variants. In this way, your memory will come to mind spontaneously when you are exposed to a situation that may lead you to behave in an inappropriate way.

But for it some rules of behavior must be given priority over others; In practice, it is better that the least important are not considered "limits" but rather recommendations or ways of behaving typical of our son or daughter's referent. Letting them integrate into your behavior organically and without being fixed by rules and prohibitions will make the important norms really take on even more value.

2. Make sure you understand the why of the rules

So that these limits are not perceived simply as unilateral impositions, You have to explain to your son or daughter the reason for these, their reason for being. In this way, a space for debate and negotiation is created that can even help you to keep that issue more in mind, and help you learn.

3. Make the rules consistent

Once the standards have been set, make sure the criteria for determining whether or not they are met do not change. Otherwise, they will quickly be disregarded. If these rules do not exist in practice, in a few days they will not exist in theory either and both you and your son or daughter will forget them.

4. Put more emphasis on incentives than punishments

That way, the relationship between the little one and those limits will not give rise to so many conflicts, since you will see them as a kind of scaffolding to gain validation and to demonstrate your level of maturity.

5. In case you break them and you have to punish, do it soon

Don't let too much time pass between noncompliance and punishment. In this way, the situation is prevented from being perceived as unfair and arbitrary.

Are you looking for professional psychological assistance?

As we have seen, finding that balance between protection and freedom for underage children is a complex and easily complicated task. Fortunately, many psychologists and psychologists offer child and adolescent therapy services and support to parents to overcome these kinds of difficulties.

If you are interested in having professional support regarding the upbringing and education of your children, please contact me; I offer face-to-face sessions in my office in Seville and online by video call.