Passive-aggressive behavior: its 10 characteristics

Aggression is a basic trait in many of the animals that populate the earth. The most common is that they are a range of acts motivated by fear and / or anger, but they can also be implied other realities whose end connects with survival itself (such as sexual dominance, territoriality, etc.).

It is, therefore, a phenomenon that tends to be projected abroad and becomes very evident the moment it is expressed. It generates objective physical harm in others, or has a dissuasive intention with respect to situations that are interpreted in a hostile or dangerous way (gestures, intentions, threats, etc.).

In humans, however, aggressiveness can take much more subtle forms, which are not detected with the same speed and whose purpose is to cause less obvious (but equally severe) damage than that indicated up to this point. moment.

In these cases we speak of passive-aggressive behavior, a phenomenon that makes use of our cognitive skills and abilities to veil hostile social acts whose consequences have a painful impact on emotional life. In this article we will address this interesting question in detail.

• Related article: "How to overcome resentment: 7 key ideas"

What is passive-aggressive behavior?

Passive-aggressive behavior was considered, some years ago, as part of a structured personality disorder with its own clinical entity. Despite this, in DSM editions after the third, it was excluded to avoid the possible overdiagnosis that seemed to precipitate. From that moment, and to the present, it has been considered as a trait that accompanies the psychopathologies of the personality of cluster B (especially the narcissistic, the borderline and the antisocial), although they do not always appear together.

These are behaviors of a non-verbal nature, although sometimes they can also take on the weight of explicit words, or pregnant with a sordid anger hidden behind the mask of their fragile fiction.

Thus, even silences can express a sharp edge, or become the weapon with which to delve into affective wounds. Anger rises as the most frequent internal state, although it is chosen not to reveal it to others, thus translating in a form of psychological abuse that severely damages those around and erodes the quality of the link.

Passive-aggressive behavior does not aspire to conflict resolution, but rather has as its objectives the ambiguous expression of emotions and the production of some silent grievance. However, it could only be considered truly pathological at the moment it was consolidated as the most common social dynamic in interpersonal relationships. Let's see, in more detail, what it consists of.

Most important characteristics of passive-aggressive behavior

Here are some of the basic characteristics of passive-aggressive personalities. Not all the individuals that show it fulfill their totality, but there is usually a pattern that combines them in a particular way for each case.

1. Passive resistance and ambiguity

It is common for the passive-aggressive attitude to occur with what is known as passive resistance.. In this case, the person would show total agreement with what is suggested, and could even willingly accept such requests for help, but would subsequently act as if he really objected to them. You can ignore the corresponding responsibility or proceed in a deliberately clumsy way, so that the final result would become insufficient or counterproductive. In this way, you would show your disagreement with the original request that was made, but without communicating it openly.

This ambiguity has an intentional character and seeks to drag the other to a terrain in which the unpredictability or the absolute absence of control, spreading an opaque veil over the true intentions. That is why complaints about such a situation are subject to the twisted reply, since the passive-aggressive subject resort to disclaimer with excuses such as: "I tried with all my energy, but could not to be".

2. Feeling of misunderstanding and lack of appreciation

People who frequently display passive-aggressive behavior often make constant statements that feel misunderstood by others, or use all kinds of emotional blackmail to get the benefit they looking for. Between them, it is common for others to be accused of lack of affection, or for comparisons to be drawn burdensome in which others are involved, such as "you treat everyone well except me" or "why don't you you want?". With such an attitude, toxic and intentional, they try to manipulate the affect of the interlocutor.

Those who are subjected to these practices can end up feeling guilty for things that they do not have the slightest bit about responsibility, which suffers their own self-esteem (until they understand the true motivations of the other and relativize its effect).

• You may be interested: "How to release anger in a healthy and appropriate way: 4 tips"

3. Surliness

Sullenness is a central characteristic of passive-aggressive people. It stands as a harsh, impolite and insensitive attitude that is displayed when perceived upset during their interactions with others. The common thing is that it is triggered by a criticism, and its objective is to generate an uncomfortable atmosphere in which a "turn of events" is caused that benefits them or that reverses the burden of "accusations". That is, it seeks that others acknowledge having exceeded by transmitting their discontent.

As you live with these people, and especially if the proximity began during childhood, it is very likely that the ability to interact assertively (exchanges through which they defend their own rights while respecting those of the rest).

4. Disdain for authority

Passive-aggressive subjects have great difficulty recognizing authority in other people, because it is very difficult for them to tolerate the imposition of rules other than those they choose for themselves and for others. This trait worsens during adolescence, a developmental stage in which an oppositional response is often present. (reactance) before hierarchies and power, although in this case it remains with the same intensity when reaching the adulthood. In this way, they do not distinguish well between respect for the rules by which life in common is governed and obeying oppression.

It is very common for this way of feeling and acting to report problems of a very different kind, ranging from maladjustment to the context of work or academic life up to the risk of sanctions for disobedience to the legitimate figures of authority.

5. Envy

Envy is also a frequent trait for the assumption that concerns us, and it interacts very closely with others described in this list. Although they can congratulate others for their achievements and be exuberant when they meet them, they harbor within themselves themselves a negative emotion as a result of these (and specifically of not being able to own them or consider them own). Sometimes, they go so far as to minimize the relevance of such other people's merits and to underline previous failures, or even the risks that in the future they may be diluted or unsuccessful.

They can also accuse others that the success has been due to external factors, beyond their effort and ability. For example, they tend to emphasize the contribution of chance, luck or the very demand of the task ("it was very easy").

6. Complaints about bad luck

The plaintive / pessimistic tendency is common in people with a passive-aggressive attitude. An attitude characterized by self-condescence and the will that others feel sorry for them, for what who do not hesitate to proclaim every misfortune that they have had to live as the root of what they can reproach. They tend to make others believe that their failures have been caused by external factors, such as fates or fortune, and even blame third parties for boycotting their efforts to achieve what they were resisted.

A) Yes, they rarely acknowledge their mistakes, although they do care to highlight those of others. For this reason, they often say of themselves that they are sincere people, despite the fact that they ignore (or degrade) all the good that their relatives possess or do.

• You may be interested: "12 tips to better manage couple arguments"

7. Oscillation between defiance and regret

Despite the fact that the attitude in question is usually characterized by the expression of veiled violence, sometimes those who flaunt they relate in a quarrelsome and belligerent way (as if they enjoyed sailing in an environment clouded by conflicts).

They frequently endeavor to engage those close to them in sterile wars, which they fuel without hesitation through harmful comments and the leaking of the secrets they entrust ("I'm going to tell you something, but don't say that I mentioned it to you me"). As time passes, they are often seen as people to whom "nothing can be told".

At the very moment in which the tidal wave of the conflict is resolved, and those involved analyze their why, they may end up allying themselves against the passive-aggressive person who caused such a hostile situation. When asked for explanations, the most common is that they respond by denying all the facts and generating alternative versions (which include the lie). Finally, when he is positioned in a scenario from which he can no longer escape, he chooses to beg for forgiveness and to promote feelings of pity.

8. Self-sabotage of work you don't feel like doing

Something very common, closely associated with the passive-aggressive trait, is the sabotage of all activities that respond to an external demand. In these cases, when a thing is demanded that in reality it is not wanted to do, an attitude of numbness appears that despairs the demanding subject. The forgetfulness, the slowness, the poor collaboration and even the procrastination; They are deliberate responses that are intended to motivate a succinct form of aggression: hindrances in work / academic responsibilities, delays in shared projects, etc.

On other occasions, what the subject intends is to generate damage that frees him from all responsibilities for the future, since they would stop trusting him and could dedicate his time to the activities that interest him.

9. Protest that other people make excessive demands and tendency to over-argue

In order to free themselves from responsibility, they sometimes accuse others of demanding too many tasks, to the point of overwhelming their coping resources. Thus They may report that they feel "stressed" by the activities that have been entrusted to them, despite the fact that there is no reasonable evidence for this complaint. When delving into the motives behind such refusals, they allude to a string of disjointed arguments, behind which reality is hidden: exercising a form of covert aggression (depriving them of the help they need or stimulating dependence).

10. Obstruction of the efforts of others

In addition to not participating in the efforts that are articulated to achieve a common goal, the Passive-aggressive people can exert violence making it difficult for others to achieve success in their own tasks.

All of this could be done through direct (but subtle) "actions", or through attacks on the emotional waterline. (discouraging, sowing insecurities, increasing the demands of a task, promoting events that hinder the dedication of the effort or the necessary time, etc.).

The objective of all this would be to prevent the success of others, generate a veiled damage and even stimulate an unfortunate situation in who is the object of their latent aggression.

Bibliographic references:

• Hopwood, C. and Wright, A. (2012). A Comparison of Passive-Aggressive and Negativistic Personality Disorders. Journal of personality assessment, 94 (3), 296-303.
• Kaplan, R. and Norton, D. (2005). The passive-aggressive organization. Harvard business review, 83 (10), 82-92.