6 ideas to keep in mind when accompanying a grieving person

According to William Worden, a member of the American Psychological Association, grief is “the experience of the person who has lost a loved one” (Worden, 2004). It has other meanings, since we can go through a grieving process also when we lose a partner, a job or our health. But, the most common definition is that refers to the death of someone important to us.

Facing a duel takes time and involves intense emotions in the bereaved. But, also, in those who are around him. Accompanying the grieving process is not an easy task, since each person faces losses in a different way.

• Related article: "Grief: coping with the loss of a loved one"

Key ideas on accompanying people in grief

Many times, doubts arise as to whether they are being of help or if something else could be done for the family member or friend who has suffered the loss. Although there are no recipes, and it is always best to ask the person directly what they need, there are some aspects that we can take into account in the task of accompanying those who suffer from grief psychological.

1. The importance of our gaze

There are many ways to approach someone who is suffering: from a descriptive and analytical perspective, from the fear of saying or doing something that is not appropriate, from a position of counselor... In order to help someone who is going through a grief we have to be willing to experience and share with that person any emotion, feeling or belief that appears, without judgment, theories or recommendations.

Looking at the other is more than seeing him. Is related to approach him from curiosity, empathy and respect. Only in this way is it easier for the grieving person to come into contact with her emotions and put words to what happens to him. Only then will you feel heard and safe.

2. The value of being there

Sometimes we ask ourselves again and again what to do and what to say to alleviate the suffering of those we love. It is worth considering whether we are giving more importance to coping with being. Others may just need us to be present and available.

But... What does it mean to be there? Being there means providing emotional and physical support. It requires us to be able to contain, hold and comfort when emotions appear. But, also, that we are able to ask for more pragmatic aspects, without anticipating and without meddling in the routine and way of coping with our loved one.

3. Our role as companions

Accompanying a mourner is not an easy task. It is an act of love, in which we observe the suffering of another person and we agree to be involved in it so that they do not go through it alone.

It is essential to remember that this process only belongs to the bereaved, although the companion acts as a catalyst, that is, it favors the progress of the mourning without having a leading role.

To fulfill this function, the importance of allowing emotional expression and of providing instrumental help in specific aspects of day-to-day life has already been described. Other ways to help may be: favoring the memories of the deceased person (thus preventing it from becoming a taboo subject), instilling hope and help the grieving person make day-to-day decisions and acquire, at the same pace, an active stance as the protagonist of their lifetime.

• You may be interested: "Emotional regulation: this is how we tame our mood"

4. What the sufferer is at stake: emptiness, I forget identity and meaning

The person who just lost a loved one faces an extreme situation in which it can suffer a crisis of values ​​and, even of identity. It should be noted that not all people experience the loss with this intensity, being more likely after traumatic or unexpected deaths.

The person who survives the deceased has to accept the death of a loved one and learn to manage the anguish of the loss. In many aspects, even everyday, a feeling of emptiness may appear, in relation to those tasks or activities that the deceased was in charge of or that were shared with him / her.

In addition, the fear of forgetting appears, needing the sufferer to reformulate the sense of memory and move from a sensory memory to one that projects the footprint of the loved one into the future and that gives meaning to their days.

5. The paradoxes of the encounter

Just as we need to share our experiences with others to be able to go through them, sometimes we also require our own space. People in mourning may incur contradictions in relation to their desire to be isolated and their desire, not incompatible, to be accompanied. It is important to frame these situations within the context of grief, without taking them personally.

6. Own limits

Last but not least, it is necessary to talk about the needs of the companion. Involving ourselves in the pain of the other can remove unresolved aspects of our own or suppose a very great emotional drain. Therefore, you must not stop being connected with yourself and know how to stop, clear yourself and manage the level of involvement.

In case of detecting that there are aspects that exceed what is considered a normal duel (or what we feel we are capable of managing) it is advisable to ask the appropriate professionals for help.

Bibliographic references:

• Viktor E. Frankl. (2014). Grief and meaning: Meaning and value in loss. Barcelona, ​​Spain: Editorial Seal. • Devine, M. (2019, February 4). How to help a grieving friend - Refuge In Grief. Retrieved December 22, 2019, from https://www.refugeingrief.com/helper-overview/ • Worden, J. W. (2004). Treatment of grief: psychological counseling and therapy. (2nd ed.). Barcelona, ​​Spain: Paidós.