Anne Guilbeau: "The more recent the problem, the less entrenched it is"

Relationship problems can lead to a spiral of hostility and confrontations that damage the love relationship until it is unviable. Fortunately, couples therapy helps prevent this from happening and helps make a marriage or courtship a place where both of you can express your feelings in a functional way.

We will talk about this in this interview with the psychologist Anne Guilbeau, expert in couples therapy.

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Interview with Anne Guilbeau: what is couples therapy like?

Anne Guilbeau is a General Health Psychologist with a consultation in Logroño, and she works in both individualized psychotherapy and couples therapy. In this interview she tells us about this last modality of intervention, the care of couples whose relationship is going through a crisis or difficult moments.

What is, for you, what is sought to achieve through couples therapy?

Almost inevitably, couples tend to have communication dysfunction and a circular functioning reinforcing behavior.

That is to say, I often observe that the behavior of a member of the couple will cause a reaction in the other member, which in turn will cause a reaction in the first, thus reinforcing its first behaviour.

Although it seems complex in reality, it is not. Let's take the example of a woman who has a tendency to criticize everything her husband does in housework and to get angry at the frustration that this situation generates.

In response to these criticisms, the husband thinks "whatever she does she will not be happy" and she begins to do less at home and with little care.

The wife, seeing that she shows little will to do things right, becomes more angry and criticizes even more how badly things are done. things, generating a feeling of frustration and low self-esteem in the husband and even less desire to participate in tasks domestic.

A behavior loop is then activated, a spiral of frustration, disappointment, resentment and anger.

With therapy, it is sought to identify the behaviors that originate this type of loops and to work on the associated emotions.

The way of communicating within the couple is also very important and I place great emphasis that assertive communication can be achieved within the couple.

What would you say are the problems for which couples therapy is most effective?

For me there are no unsolvable problems because whatever the problem, what really matters is the degree of motivation of the couple for change and to save their marriage.

Infidelity, lies, addiction (drug, gambling, alcohol ...), debts, jealousy, etc. They are elements that put the couple to the test but not necessarily a synonym for failure.

Obviously the more recent the problem, the less entrenched it is and the easier it will be to make the necessary changes.

The more superficial the problem (such as communication difficulties), the faster the couple can improve (unlike an addiction problem for example).

Couples therapy is effective if the degree of motivation, love and commitment is high.

Is there a tendency to consider dating or marriage problems impossible to solve, even without having gone to couples therapy?

In today's society we know that there is an exit door that we did not have 50 years ago: divorce.

This door has changed our way of living within the couple since we know that we can end a situation of suffering, heartbreak, screaming, etc.

That said, it is important to emphasize that, in general, couples when they still feel love, do not give up and seek solutions. The separation solution is not contemplated lightly.

People who give up their relationship are people who do not see a solution (or the solution they want) to their problems. They are usually the ones who blame the other person for being the cause of the problem: “he doesn't listen to me”, “he always does what he wants”, “he will not change” “I will never forgive him”.

They become enraged in these thoughts, the couple does not get out of this thought loop. She is filled with resentment, suffering and sadness. If a solution is not found at this time, then the famous and irrevocable comes: "I have already tried everything, I can't take it anymore." Even so, I have to say that this moment, a turning point and of no return, usually arises after years of struggle.

As a psychologist, have you noticed changes over the years in how couples therapy is perceived socially?

Yes, there is an increasingly positive perception of the role of psychologist in general but also in couples therapy. At first, the therapies were focused on the individual person, then the therapy was started to children and eventually therapy to help struggling couples became increasingly important.

The role of the psychologist is gaining more and more importance in society, he is no longer perceived as "a doctor for madmen", or an intruder in "a family affair".

This vision has gone down in history. For couples, having a professional, expert and neutral person to guide and guide them in times of difficulty is perceived as a social advance.

What are the couples therapy techniques that seem most useful or effective?

It is not easy to summarize the therapy techniques because it depends a lot on the origin of the problem. You will not work with your partner in the same way if the problem is related to gambling as if it is related to managing emotions such as anger or impulsivity.

In any case, it will be necessary to become aware of the behavior of each one, of the emotions involved, of the way conflicts are resolved, the way they communicate, the loop in which they have been installed, etc..

What would you say to those who are considering going to couples therapy but do not finish taking that step?

I would tell them not to be afraid, not to risk anything when trying to solve problems that, in the medium or long term, are putting their relationship in danger. When the loop is established it is very difficult to get out of it alone. A psychologist is not an intruder but an external person who will be able to look with new eyes, without judging, the problems of the couple and guide them in solving them.

If they are motivated to move forward, if they feel love for their partner, with the help of a good professional there is no problem that cannot be solved.