Education, study and knowledge

Toxic positivity: too optimism can be worse than sadness

It is a message that penetrates deeply into society, especially since a few decades ago Martin Seligman popularized the term “positive psychology”. A lot of people took that upbeat speech and promoted it (with the best intentions in the world, I'm not denying it).

Now, some professionals, authors and companies have abused this optimistic discourse, in some cases to counterproductive extremes.

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Toxic positivity: being too optimistic is also harmful

Motivational speeches and phrases such as "you can do anything", "sometimes you win, sometimes you learn", or "anything is possible if you believe in yourself itself ”are easily assimilated by the masses (regardless of whether they improve the results or not), they are messages very well received by any person.

However, sometimes the path to mental health involves validating all of our emotions (they are more or less unpleasant), and not denying human pain by forcing a false joy that is sometimes not genuine.

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And this is known by the big brands for a long time: people are more likely to buy anything if it makes them smile, even though it is not necessary.

The commodification of happiness

Extreme optimism encourages impulse purchases and consumerism.

And that is the basis of the market for self-help books, many pseudosciences and the merchandising of mugs and T-shirts with well-intentioned phrases of the type: smile, it is the solution to all your problems (but not always it is). It is a cheap and accessible anesthetic, and sometimes it is just another product.

Besides looking harmless, it is very accessible: in many cases ensures a small immediate mood boost (a behavioral reinforcement), even though it rarely improves our long-term life, beyond the mere placebo effect.

Social pressure to hide problems

Some people can get to "get rid of" motivational phrases, quotes from famous people, authentic dogmas such as "forbidden to give up", which they not only try to apply with themselves (regardless of their specific situation or individual context), but rather put pressure on other people around them to jump on the bandwagon of their new life mentality.

And is that external pressure can be very strong and sometimes feel little tactile, promoting unsympathetic reactions to the suffering of others: “you are not trying hard enough”, “you have to believe in yourself”, “courage, strong people always get up”.

And is that with that tactless speech, you can put other people is a very difficult dilemma: either you follow me, or you are a weak person. "Being happy is very easy, and if you are not getting it right away, it is because you are doing it wrong"

With the doctrine of "all your happiness depends on you" is also implicit the message "all your suffering depends on you". The logical conclusion is that if I suffer it is my fault.

With this philosophy of life, many people forget that context matters, and not all people can achieve the same goals using the same methods.

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Deny suffering or obstacles

The discourse of extreme positivity forces people to wear rose-colored glasses with which they only see part of reality: the sweetest part, that of the victories, the learnings, the gains, the joy. At the same time, it denies the "ugly" part of reality: not so pleasant emotions, such as sadness, anger or fear.

In a very unscientific way, they are labeled as "negative emotions", and the message that they are "bad emotions", and that we should avoid feeling them, because they are always bad for U.S.

This approach (almost sectarian in some cases) creates an alternate reality in people's minds, where there are no problems or obstacles, and where willpower and desire are the only thing one needs to succeed in life and achieve everything that is proposed.

In this false omnipotence, one forgets that suffering is another part of life, and that emotions are less pleasant they also have an evolutionary function, and that recognizing and expressing them is essential for our survival and our health mental.

Because, no matter how much one puts on a “glasses of happiness”, the problems and obstacles will still be there, and if we deny and exclude emotions like fear, we will not be able to make sensible decisions to protect ourselves or take precautions against real risks and dangers of the life.

The infantilization of life

In this skewed view of life taken to extremes, a person can become very infantilized.

Denies herself the opportunity to deal with problems in a mature adult way: accept difficulties and frustration, sustain pain with dignity, and mobilize our resources toward gets better. In an optimistic way, of course, but realistically, and not forgetting that to overcome many difficulties we will need some strategy.

And a very bitter truth for many people: things are not always going to turn out as we would like, because we do not have the necessary resources, or simply due to bad luck.

Desire is not always everything, context matters. Simply, not everyone can be an astronaut, and there is nothing wrong with it, nor does it take away the meaning of life.

Lack of empathy: forced smiles

Sadly, when some people run into misfortune or a bitter event (illness, financial failure, the death of a loved one), sometimes people indoctrinated by toxic positivity appear and start firing motivational phrases lectures or books, as if they were programmed robots.

It is not pleasant to see other people suffer, and sometimes we can tend to force the other person to be happy right away, because it seems wrong for us to suffer.

Again, there are very good intentions, but many times it is best to help the person validate her emotions and give her the space that he needs. The person will improve as he integrates the experience, but at her own pace, not ours.

Absolute and indoctrinating messages

Many of these messages are easy to recognize. They are absolute, polarized, speak in terms of all or nothing, trying to describe reality in statements sculpted in stone, without admitting shades or shades of gray.

The formulation in imperative is repeated a lot, as if it were an order, and the dangerous "should" and "have to", transforming mere opinions into absolute commands, such as: "you have to be strong."

This ideology is closely associated with values ​​such as freedom, however it does not usually leave much room for choice.

Don't smile if you don't want

Nothing is black and white. Of course it is important to put optimism in our life to get ahead, have hope, believe in ourselves and in our abilities and resources.

Just as important is recognizing that we are not omnipotent, many things will cost us more or less, sometimes the smartest option will be to withdraw on time and return to try it next time with a better strategy, or even discard an idea altogether too ambitious.

There is nothing wrong with feeling sad, angry or scared at times. In certain circumstances, it is simply the most adaptive and healthy.

On many occasions, expressed in their proper measure, these emotions can save our lives (as they have been doing for thousands of years, since the first Homo sapiens they scampered across the plains).

There are worlds of distance between these basic and natural emotions and a pathological depressive, anxious or angry disorder.

Psychologist in Valencia or Online Therapy

Luis Miguel Real

I offer psychotherapy services in my practice in Valencia, as well as online therapy sessions. You can see my contact information at this page.

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