What is emotional dependence, and how to overcome it?

In most healthy relationships, it is common for one of the partners to require more displays of love and affection than the other. This does not have to be a problem, and in fact, it is normal and perfectly expected that there are some asymmetries in such a relationship: each individual is unique.

However, as with any psychological phenomenon, if this need for psychological support and displays of affection is taken to the extreme, problems arise. In such cases, many times there is what is known as emotional dependence, one of the most common problems among those who decide to attend therapy. Let's see what it is and what can be done to overcome this problem.

• Related article: "The 5 types of couples therapy"

What is emotional dependency?

Emotional dependency is an excessive pathological need for affection, affection, and constant availability that some people feel about someone with whom they have established an affective bond, usually their romantic partners, damaging both their relationship and their social life and their own well-being in the medium and long term.

In addition, emotional dependence is not characterized by being accompanied by a high level of nonconformity when choosing who to establish a relationship with. On the contrary: even if the person feels frustrated and dissatisfied because he is not getting all the emotional support that you feel you need, the awareness that such a problem exists makes you fear even more the possibility of a breaking off. Thus, those who suffer emotional dependence place the person on whom they depend above other very important aspects of their lives.

On the other hand, emotional dependence should not be confused with what is known as "psychological dependence", a term used to refer to addiction cases. Those who have developed this class of pathologies feel that they need to satisfy again and again their desire to consume a drug or perform a certain action. However, emotional dependency is expressed in more subtle ways. Not so much through repeated exposure to a very specific and easily recognized type of experience (smoking, consuming pills ...), but creating situations in which the fear that the other person will abandon us or stop counting on us remains reduced.

Emotional dependence rests on thoughts that are more abstract than those of psychological dependence, and also of a much less individualistic character.

Possible causes

These are the most common causes of emotional dependence. In practice, they often overlap each other, striving for the influence of the others.

1. Low self-esteem

Low self-esteem consists of a tendency to negative self-esteem, and in this case, a feeling of inferiority in front of the other member of the couple.

2. Fears based on traumatic experiences

This problem may be facilitated by a history of abuse in the past, as well as a lack of affection and affection on the part of the person's parents. It is what is known as insecure attachment.

3. Lack of social skills

Deficits in social skills they are often associated with the fear of loneliness, leading the person to believe that they will not have new opportunities to have a close relationship with someone.

4. External pressures

Expectations of all kinds, and even gender roles, can contribute to a person creating and feel that her reason for being is to be with her partner and to do everything possible for her to remain with him side.

How to detect it? Warning signs

These are several signs that help to identify cases of emotional dependence.

1. Normalization of humiliations

People who are emotionally dependent on their partners can become idealize them to the point of tolerating situations of abuse, humiliation or abuse of power by them.

2. Jealousy problems

Also unjustified jealousy is frequent. However, these are not usually reflected in attempts to control the other person, but rather in more discreet ways of expressing discomfort: for example, a passive-aggressive attitude.

3. Weakening of the rest of social ties

People who have developed emotional dependence They stop dedicating time and efforts to cultivating friendships that are outside of that relationship, since they put the other person before and try to please them over commitments that do not have to do with them.

4. Feeling of emptiness and helplessness

Emotional dependence can be understood as a way of trying to fill a void through the presence of the other person; This makes those who develop this psychological phenomenon notice that without this relationship their life would be meaningless, and which is therefore very vulnerable because his ability to be happy comes to depend basically on that individual.

5. Appearance of anxiety and stress

The fact that you frequently feel that you are running the risk of losing that relationship causes problems with anxiety, with various associated symptoms: irritability, trouble sleeping, trouble concentrating, etc.

Tips to know how to manage it

The best and most recommended way to deal with emotional dependence is to go to the psychologist; There are many useful psychotherapy resources to help you better manage your emotions and personal relationships. However aside from that, there are also some simple tips that can help with this problem. They are as follows.

1. Make sure you are not going through a situation of abuse

First of all, check that what happens to you does not constitute abuse. If attacks of a physical or psychological nature occur repeatedly, it is important cut off that relationship as soon as possible and don't try to fix it: in cases like this your safety and well-being come first.

2. Detect recurring situations in which you give in too much

Over the course of a week, write down in a small notebook all the times you feel that in the previous hours you have given too much for fear of losing that person. When you get to the seventh day, take a look at what you've been writing.

3. Make sure you maintain an active and varied social life

If you isolate yourself more and more because of emotional dependence, you will depend more and more on that person; it is a vicious circle that you are not interested in feeding. To avoid this, set a minimum of monthly or weekly hours to use interacting face to face with friends and other people important to you.

4. Start personal projects

Dedicate part of your time to something that only concerns you and that it will bring you satisfaction through short and long-term goals is a good way to adopt your own perspective on life, not only linked to what the other person does or thinks.

5. Practice assertiveness

Get used to defending your interests and your point of view in relationships with that person will help them stop assuming that they will continue to have a leadership role in all interactions with you, and it will also show you that there is nothing wrong with expressing your disagreement with certain things.

6. Go to psychotherapy

If a few weeks pass and you notice that nothing changes, or if you feel very bad and need help as soon as possible, contact psychotherapy professionals. Emotional dependence can be treated by going to psychological therapy. In this process, the professional detects the personal and contextual causes that are behind the dependency and creates an emotional and behavioral “training” plan to gain autonomy and reinforce self-esteem.

On Psychological Awakenings we offer individualized psychotherapy services and couples therapy or family therapy both in the online format by video call, as in person at our centers in Madrid, Getafe, Leganés and Móstoles. We serve people of all ages. Get in touch with us to learn how to better manage your emotions and adopt psychologically healthy habits.

Bibliographic references:

• De la Villa Moral Jiménez, M. & Sirvent Ruiz, C. (2008). Sentimental or affective dependencies: etiology, classification and evaluation. Oviedo University. Department of Psychology. Social Psychology Area.