What is life like for someone with paranoid schizophrenia?

Kissco Paranoid. This is the title of a book written by the young man from Malaga Francisco José Gómez Varo, in which he recounts his experience as a patient diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia.

Throughout the pages that make up this work, Kissco (this is how Francisco José is known familiarly) he brings us many of his sensations and emotions, in an artistic and emotional journey that aims to demystify this metal disorder. A work rich in images and experiences, which has been published by the publisher Red circle.

Interview with Francisco José Gómez Varo, author of "Kissco Paranoide"

Bertrand Regader: Kissco, in your recent book "Kissco Paranoid" you relate your personal experience, it is something like an autobiography that gives off sincerity and courage. What was your reaction when you were diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia years ago? How was the process?

Kissco Gómez Varo: In reality I did not even react, in those years I was so lost that the only thing I thought about was to be well and to leave the bad times behind. I was 23 years old and we were driving on the way to one of the many doctors I visited, while my mother was driving I had the folder containing my diagnosis that I still did not know. It was at this time that I was able to read the diagnostic label for the first time.

paranoid schizophrenia. At first I thought it couldn't be true, that I couldn't have this disease, I suppose it would be the denial phase. I ignored that diagnosis, just refused to accept it.

My family was so desperate not to know what was wrong with me that somehow it was like a kind of relief to give it a name to my state, after that what would come would be the concern of my family for my health and the encouragement to do everything possible to improve.

B.R.: What is paranoid schizophrenia exactly? How would you explain it to our readers?

K.G.V.: In my case and my experience, it is basically having and suffering from paranoia.

My paranoia was based on the fact that I perceived messages that I had to decipher, they came from people in their movements and gestures and from nature itself. As I describe in the story, I came to call it the "message of God", this was basically my paranoia that I suffered for ten years. The symptoms are isolation, loss of reality, avoiding physical contact, and difficulties in establishing social relationships. You have the need to hide because you feel watched at all times and by everything you do, even in the smallest detail. This makes you different whether you want to or not during the outbreak, but everything Psychotic attack it is temporary even though the disease is chronic.

B.R.: Have you noticed that society tends to stigmatize people who suffer from a mental disorder?

K.G.V.: In my case, I have suffered that being pointed out or looking at you just for being who you are, it has been on so many occasions and for different reasons during my life that I have come to accept that it is something to be expected and that even I can stigmatize someone for something that we do not call "normal" in our life. society.

I could tell as an anecdote once we went to the movies with my sister and my brother-in-law. I was watching the film and I perceived certain messages that came from the images, and I began to murmur and make other gestures that began to annoy the rest of the audience. There was such a stir that we had to lighten the steps when the film was finished, and there were even people who were waiting for me at the exit to see who was the culprit of the ruckus and thus be able to point to me and say things like "you have not let me see the movie having paid for the entry". The truth is that now I see it understandable, I might have acted the same but at that time the only thing I felt is that terror was chasing me, I felt helpless and cornered.

B.R.: In your book, which has been published by the Círculo Rojo publishing house, you capture many of your experiences, but above all the sensations and emotions with which you look at life. It is a work of great visual and artistic power. What motivated you to write it?

K.G.V.: I was on the terrace of my house with my partner and it was something instantaneous, to tell him ¨I am going to write something¨, I felt so full of tranquility after ten years of mental torture and so clear that I could not miss this opportunity to tell about everything I have been through, thinking that tomorrow I could go through that outbreak again and that perhaps I could not have this feeling of release.

B.R.: The author of the illustrations and paintings that embellish the book is not indicated anywhere. How did this inspiration come about?

K.G.V: If you look closely at each of them, although in some of them the signature is hardly noticeable, Kissco, I have always been good, humbly, to draw or paint, I spent so much time in my room that I had to do something, entertain myself, and was inspired by the cinema and music and most of those drawings came out alone, I had them anchored in my mind and putting them on paper was for me almost a way of expressing what I was feeling happening.

The drawings were made during those ten years of a psychotic break, which at that time did not make much sense but later, writing the story, they fit in perfectly, giving a visual touch to the written words and giving the poetic meaning to the construction site.

B.R.: What has helped you overcome your diagnosis to the point of being someone with motivations and expectations in life?

K.G.V.: Well, I'm just going back to being myself after, I might say mildly, having spent a losing streak. I used to be a motivated boy with a desire to learn, and now I'm getting back to it, it's like having been in I eat for a long period and that all that time it is as if I have not existed even though it has marked me forever. It is a second chance that I do not intend to miss even knowing that tomorrow could be the same as those years or worse.

B.R.: What would your words be for a young man who may be having a hard time having recently learned that he suffers from paranoid schizophrenia?

K.G.V.: This diagnosis is something that has to be accepted as soon as possible in order to know how to take it and live with others as someone else.

It is not easy to accept something like this, we get carried away by the bad reputation that this term carries and by the first The reaction we have to hearing it, which is fear, we fear the unknown, and in a way it is understandable. But in my case I could say that you have to fill yourself with courage to go ahead and show that you only suffer from a disease for which you can fight. It is not something terminal that has no solution, it is something chronic, but you can get along with will and determination.

B.R.: What message should society know to begin to rethink the double impact suffered by people who suffer from a psychological disorder and who must also endure social stigmatization and labor? Do you think you have to do pedagogy in this regard?

K.G.V.: The truth is that yes, we can be different, but we are all different in our own way, whether we suffer from a disorder or not. There are people who suffer from mental illnesses that they do not even know themselves, since they have not been diagnosed, and others who do not suffer from any specific disease but who have serious difficulties in finding ways that make them a little more happy.

This does not mean that people who have been diagnosed with a mental disorder cannot do something useful for society. Maybe we cannot do exactly the same as others, I am not sure about it, what I can assure you is that we are all different and we are all worth doing something useful. We can all learn what we do not know and teach what we are good at. One could begin to demystify mental disorders by conducting talks in institutes, in the same way that there are that warn students of the danger of drugs or the precautions we should take in our first relationships sexual. Awareness talks that make children and young people see that it may be you or someone close to you who suffers from a psychological disorder in adult life, and some tips to know how to deal with these situations based on normalization, information and I respect.