4 keys to managing joint custody

Love is essential to understanding human society. People tend to group together at different levels, as we are social and political animals by nature. As much as a human being rejects contact or intimacy, it is very difficult (or impossible) to never feel affection by another entity of our same species, whether in a romantic, passionate, fraternal way or all the variants that you occur.

In its early stages, falling in love has a very important physiological load. When we are physically and emotionally attracted to a person, the brain releases phenylethylamine, a neurotransmitter that promotes the secretion of dopamine and norepinephrine. These hormones have an effect similar to amphetamines and other drugs and, therefore, make us experience a state of natural euphoria when we are with the partner.

Over time, this very powerful physiological infatuation gives rise to a much more rational and weighted feeling, characterized for the appreciation of the other person, the bond in time and gratitude for what was built together with the passing of the years. In any case, it is common that in these stages the spark is lost, misunderstandings arise and divorce is considered. At this point, you need to know

the keys to managing joint custody if coexistence is no longer positive for both parties.

• Related article: "The divorce of the parents, how does it affect the children?"

What is joint custody?

First of all, we want to make a basic idea clear: divorce in itself is not bad. For example, in Mexico City 41 out of 100 couples divorce: this is not an indication that things are going wrong or disastrous news, since which simply exemplifies that individual freedoms and the capacity for self-determination are increasingly prevalent in society current.

Joint custody is the legal situation whereby both parents exercise custody of their minor children of age after separation, in a situation of equality at the level of conditions, rights and duties regarding the offspring. The final objective of a joint custody is the understanding between both parties, in order to distribute equitably among the parents the material and emotional needs of the children children.

This modality is very different from others of those raised during a divorce process. For example, in split custody, one of the parents primarily takes care of part of the offspring, while the other takes the main positions of the remaining children. This is not recommended, since it is inevitable that the infant develops more affection (or conflicting emotions) for the person with whom she lives on a day-to-day basis.

On the other hand, the Birds nest custody modality (bird's nest custody, for lack of a better translation) explores the idea of that the child does not move from the same home at any time, but that the parents go home equally. As an advantage over other options, it gives the child stability and a sense of belonging to a home.

In shared custody for use, it is the child who must settle in the parental homes, ideally at fixed time intervals to suit dynamic and parental needs relatives. Here are a few keys that you should keep in mind to tackle this logistical and emotional challenge in the best possible way.

1. Choose a time with your ex-partner

The first step after choosing a divorce and custody model is always getting organized. There are a number of routine adjustments that can be made to spread parental exercise time, but the most common are the following:

• Weekly partition: one of the simplest. The children spend a week with the father and another with the mother.
• Partition every two weeks: two weeks with the father and two with the mother. This can give your child a greater sense of stability.
• 2-2-3: two days a week with the mother, two with the father and the remaining three days (weekends) in turns between the two. Although it is more confusing, it gives the infant the opportunity to communicate and experiment more immediately with each parent.
• 2-2-5-5: two days with the father, two days with the mother, and then five with each.
• 3-4-4-3: a similar idea to the previous one, but with the figures slightly changed.
• Weekly scale (4-3): the child spends the days of the week with one parent and from Friday to Sunday with the other. It is not ideal, but sometimes the work situation requires it.

As confusing as all this sounds, it should be noted that there are free access calculators on the internet (like this one: https://justice.oregon.gov/calculator/parenting_time/) that will allow parents to obtain the schedule that suits them best and, at the same time, distribute their responsibilities towards their children fairly. Do not despair and ask for help if you find yourself overwhelmed by the situation.

2. This is no time for fights

Unless your ex-partner is committing illegality or performing acts that violate your freedom or that of your children, you must understand that each one has their own way of conceiving parenting and that all parents are free to exercise their values ​​as they see fit, as long as they do not step on those of the rest.

Some sources consider that coercing children to position themselves in favor of one of the parents is an act of psychological abuse. Manipulation entails a violation of the human right to freedom of conscience, since the infant is being blamed directly or indirectly for the fact that he feels appreciation for the other party. As you understand, this is inadmissible, much less in a moment of psychological vulnerability (such as the divorce process).

• You may be interested in: "12 tips to better manage couple arguments"

3. The protagonists of custody are not the parents

Divorce causes "tunnel vision", a phenomenon that affects the ability to perceive stimuli from the environmentBecause the emotion is so intense and unpleasant for parents that they may forget the perception and processes of those around them. It is to some extent normal, because we all have the right to feel vulnerable and selfish when something affects us in a profound way. In any case, the duel must give way to rationality over time.

It may sound a bit belligerent, but you have to be clear: divorce goes over the parents, but custody over the children. In this scenario, it is necessary to leave behind pain and personal ego and work towards a common good for the offspring. Once it is decided to take a different path with the former partner, the protagonists for a time become the children, at least until the situation stabilizes.

4. It never hurts to seek psychological help

As a closure to this theme, it should be noted that a father does not become a superhuman or a reference as soon as his son steps on the ground. We have been taught that father and mother figures (especially the latter) are perfect, tireless, they are not wrong and lay down their lives for their offspring. This is not the case in any case: we are human beings and, as such, failed and sometimes selfish by nature.

For this reason, it never hurts to seek psychological help if the process becomes complicated and one of the parents is overwhelmed by the situation. Sometimes, an external, professional and objective vision is necessary to guide each part separately towards achieving a common good: that the children can continue to be happy despite the changes.