How to cope with breaks in relationships

In relationships, we have some of the most intense experiences of our lives. We live the experience of the encounter and intimacy, but we also feel vulnerable, exposed, and our greatest fears and insecurities surface.

When you live the experience of the pause in the couple (a certain time where you take a distance, you do not even have any type of contact) is usually interpreted as a kind of break or preamble of break. The pauses in the couple usually lead to anxiety, insecurity and blame on the people who live it (especially if you have not made the decision yourself). Why do we feel so bad? How can we face this time and experience?

This problem is more common than we think in a psychological consultation when experiencing a process of change. On many occasions the people I have accompanied lived this pause with intrusive thoughts, sleep problems and an increasingly intense state of anxiety. However, tips or advice are useless.

The important thing is not what happens, but how you understand, manage and face what happens

. This is the objective of this article: that you deepen in yourself to improve the situation thanks to your own personal change.

• Related article: "The 5 types of couples therapy"

Couples breaks as an opportunity to meet you

Why is what happens in relationships so complicated?

Human beings are social and emotional beings. In the couple we live a unique and crucial experience: although our well-being must depend mainly on ourselves (when it depends too much on external factors self-esteem is highly conditioned) in the couple we cannot avoid that a large part of our well-being depends on how that flow relationship.

At the beginning of a relationship there is a dissolution in the other, where we experience an encounter. Later, a fight of egos arises. Insecurities, fears, guilt, demands, need for control emerge, and pauses arise in the couple as a last strategy to continue the relationship.

These pauses are experienced with greater anxiety and all the symptoms that an anxious state implies: intrusive thoughts, search in social networks, need for contact, difficulty to sleep, eat, etc.

In short: the relationship, instead of an encounter where we experience well-being and share an important part of our life, becomes an experience that distresses us. Nevertheless, the problem is not in the relationship but in your way of understanding and managing what you feel and how you deal with it.

We tend to think that going to the psychologist is a drastic decision motivated by urgency. When it happens in this way (when there is already a picture of intense anxiety that hinders your day to day life) the processes of change are difficult, but equally beautiful and transformative.

However, the best decision is to live this process preventively. Before the intensity grows, and in situations where you feel that your well-being and security is too fragile, living a process of change will be transformative not only to solve what happens to you now, but also for your future (in relation to any situation you face: work, sentimental, personal, etc.).

When accompanying people with difficulties in their partner breaks in processes of change, it is discovered that the problem The main thing is not in the couple, but in the way in which we approach that distance and in how we understand and manage what sorry.

• You may be interested in: "Life after a marriage breakdown"

Psychological elements involved

We are going to see now what are the main factors that influence how you approach those pauses and how to solve these situations (thanks to your own personal change).

If you want to delve into this difficulty in video, here I will tell you personally (click on play and if you want to subscribe to receive more content).

1. Your concept of partner

A couple's break can be the moment to rethink what concept you have of what a partner or relationship is to find the root of your anxiety or insecurity.

If your relationship or partner is a place where you deposit part of your well-being, need for acceptance or valuation, it will always be an external factor that you cannot control and that will generate even more unsafety. A relationship is above all an experience where we share an intimate bond, but where your well-being continues to depend mainly on you.

• Related article: "Self-concept: what is it and how is it formed?"

2. Difficulty managing anxiety:

If you have difficulty managing anxiety (which is felt mainly in the chest or pit of the stomach due to respiratory mechanics) You will feel every situation within the couple with more intensity and anguish.

3. Fear and insecurity

In a relationship we pour part of our well-being and fear and insecurity arise as protection mechanisms. If you have not known how to understand and manage those emotions You are likely to try to control excessively, overprotect, or on the contrary, isolate yourself emotionally of the relationship or partner (for fear of losses).

4. Fault

Guilt is a frequent emotion in couple breaks and is also motivated by anxiety. We think that we are responsible for the suffering of the other or for their disappointment and that intrusive thought It paralyzes you even more.

• You may be interested in: "What is guilt and how can we manage this feeling?"

5. Frustration

Frustration is a low intensity anger that arises when what has happened is not what we want. It is an unpleasant emotion that appears through a control mechanism, which in turn, is one more tool of fear and insecurity.

The consequences

The greatest personal difficulties that you face in the couple multiply in pauses or breaks. Intrusive thoughts arise, doubts, indecision, anguish, problems eating, sleeping, resting or thinking clearly.

But the solution is not in the couple, in a return or in a drastic and also unreal change, but in your own personal change process. What happens in relationships is nothing more than what was already happening in you, only intensified and exposed.

How to cope with periods of crisis (in the relationship or in a period of hiatus)

The real problem with periods of distress is not what we feel, but how we manage it. Feeling insecure, fearful, or discouraged is sometimes natural and has a positive function. Facing periods of crisis in a positive way is also part of doing an apprenticeship where you learn to understand and manage what that you feel, value your belief system and modify it, and above all change your focus on yourself and on how you conceive a relationship. This period of crisis can be an opportunity to live a process that leads you to achieve the following changes.

1. Acceptance

Acceptance implies that you are at peace with yourself because you understand that what happens, whether it is a pleasant experience or not, follows a process and is appropriate. The acceptation It leads you to set limits, know what depends on you and what does not, give the best you have and at the same time not lose your personal self-care.

• Related article: "Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT): principles and characteristics"

2. Discover what is your way of bonding affectively with the other (if you do it in a dependent way or not)

Relationships are not general experiences but very particular ones. Try to isolate yourself from the relationship model that you have learned (especially through the culture of information about the superficial content of social networks) and try to get to know yourself to discover the meaning that relationships have for you.

3. Learn to understand and manage anxiety

Anxiety is not a difficulty that appears only in periods of crisis, but it intensifies in those moments. Learning to understand and manage your anxiety and emotions helps you not only in this process but in the future. In your life experience you will always find difficulties to learn from. Learn to know yourself and manage what happens it will give you a greater awareness of yourself and your decisions.

4. Focus on your own learning

This is a time to focus on you, discover you, get to know you, free yourself from what blocks you and being able to give your best while being aware of your limits.

In conclusion...

The pause can be a time to focus on your own self-knowledge, knowing what you feel, how you conditions and how you can learn to manage it to understand situations with more perspective, from calm and acceptance.

When you live these periods alone, it is common for our thoughts to condition and distress us even more. For that reason the company is so important: to look at the situation with perspective and live a unique learning that makes you feel better not only now but in the future, which also improves your ability to bond with the rest. So I make you a special invitation: in Human Empowerment You can find an option to schedule a first exploratory session with me via WhatsApp. In that session we get to know each other, we delve into your situation, we find the problem, we discover a definitive and stable solution and we see how I can accompany you in that process so that you get it at 100%.