How to calm a friend when he needs you

Friendship is not just about going to parties together, sharing the same sense of humor, having similar hobbies, or complimenting the other's clothes. Having a friend also consists of being there in bad times.

And the fact is that a good part of the added value of having friends is that it is these people who, in bad times, can be more successful when it comes to encouraging and comforting to the other: they have a common history, they have references that both know, and above all they have a better chance of knowing the emotional tone that is needed in that moment. In other words, they can act as a psychological scalpel that helps to remove what causes discomfort.

In this article we will talk about just that: how to comfort and calm a friend in need, either because he is sad or because he experiences anxiety.

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Tips to calm a friend who is going through bad times

In the first place, it must be taken into account that both the causes of discomfort and the effects that this situation has produced can be very broad, and what we have to do will depend on how we adapt to those circumstances. Mainly, these causes and effects of possible discomfort are divided into two categories: sadness, with depressive or almost depressive symptoms on the one hand, and anxiety, on the other.

Sadness episodes are characterized by the following:

• Crying.
• Search for relative loneliness.
• Pessimistic interpretation of the past, present and future.
• Ideas about oneself that undermine self-esteem increase.
• Perception that the world is a cruel and ruthless place.

On the other hand, anxiety episodes go hand in hand with the following:

• Constant shaking and movement.
• Search for a discreet place, something secluded or isolated.
• Pessimistic interpretation about the future.
• Compensatory behaviors increase, such as binge eating or tics or mania (touching the nose, hair ...).

How to calm a friend who is feeling sad

When it comes to calming down a friend who go through a moment of sadness, follow these guidelines.

1. Do not trivialize about the reason for their emotional pain

This is a mistake that is often made, and it consists of trying to convince the other person that they really should not be so sad. The only flaw in this is to make that person feel more isolated and that no one understands him, since denying feelings does not make any sense.

Instead, assume that even if you don't quite understand the cause of her pain, you are there for what i need.

2. Break the tune isolation

Do not force the other person to go out to a place where there are more people or more activity, even if it is to "cheer them up." The person who is sad is where she wants to be, and you have to respect that. Nevertheless, what we can do is break their emotional isolation (as long as she does not tell us otherwise) is to make it clear that she is counting on us.

This will have to be communicated in a clear way, but without gaining prominence. Something as simple as saying it literally will do, but for that you also have to prove it by arguing, for example, that the same thing happened in past crises. Anyway, there is no need to spread.

3. Offer unconditional companionship

If the other person is willing to have you by their side at that moment and you don't really know why is sad, you can ask him if he wants to explain it to you, but in case he doesn't want to, no insist. The important thing is not you, but that someone you want to help. Make it clear that you are there to accompany your friend or friend and try to help as much as possible, and not out of commitment or curiosity.

4. Look for physical contact, but not suddenly

If it is possible to physically touch the other person, it is positive to do so. However, it is not advisable to do it suddenly, since that would go against emotional attunement. It is best to do this when you have already made some progress in the previous steps.

5. If you advise, do it as a friend, not as a technician

In cases where it is appropriate to give advice, do not give it as a specialist on the subject would, ignoring the emotional state of the other person and transmitting instructions. At times when we are sad, we do not obey these logics, because we lack courage and strength.

Instead, advise just as a friend would. That is to say, focusing on your emotional state and how you want to feel, and offering avenues of help, not perfect and ideal solutions of what the theory books dictate.

How to calm a friend with anxiety

When it comes to comforting a friend who is experiencing an anxiety situation, these are the guidelines to follow.

1. Act to focus

The attention of those suffering from anxiety must move from concern for the future to awareness of the present.

To do this, if you are having a very intense crisis, it is convenient to even physically grab that person and try to make eye contact with you, not only so that the activation of the body that produces the movement prevents you from focusing, but also so that you know that there is someone who supports you. In cases of less intense anxiety, simply make eye contact and ask him to pay attention to what we are going to say to him.

2. Appeal to have a constructive attitude

Next, since we have already acted on her body, making her stop moving and direct her eyes towards our gaze, we act on his ideas. What has to be said is that even if you notice that the situation seems to overwhelm you, something can be done about it and, for this, you have to give up being all the time thinking about catastrophic predictions.

3. Wait for him to calm down a bit and draw up an action plan

The previous steps will help that friend calm down a bit, but they will not eliminate her worries at the root. To do this, you have to give a "mental alternative" to your tendency to make predictions, which means that provide an action plan, even a simple one.

This action plan should be made up of very specific actions and deadlines, so that these milestones attract all the attention of that friend or friend and become unaccustomed to obsessive thinking.

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4. Do an Imagination Exercise

Now that there is a plan to follow to solve the problem as much as possible, you can finish the job making him associate that sequence of actions with a positive state of mind.

To do this, talk about what will happen if you follow these guidelines faithfully and without skipping deadlines: the situation will be much better than the present (and of course, that the future that he imagined, but this is implicit and you should not remind him so that he does not think about that). For example, if the anxiety is produced by an oral presentation in front of many people, imagine the classroom with your audience and your friend gave a successful talk, keeping the interest of the public. It is important that it is a reasonable and credible situation.