The 3 keys to knowing how to distinguish between emotional dependence and love

Love is a facet of human existence as important as, unfortunately, distorted through myths and exaggerations.

This means that, for many people, falling in love or living with a partner involves a series of attitudes and behaviors totally dysfunctional that many times not only harm the person who internalizes them but also harm others. In some cases, it goes to the extreme of assuming that love is a synonym for emotional dependence, which generates basic problems in any love relationship applied to life as a couple.

In this article We will see what are the key ideas to be clear about how love and emotional dependence differ, and why it is essential not to mix both concepts.

• Related article: "The 4 types of love: what different kinds of love are there?"

What is it like to feel love?

Love is an experience that involves both behavior patterns and cultural elements, as well as innate biological mechanisms that make us have an interest in strengthening ties with others.

Although each historical moment and culture privileges some forms of love over others (until not so long ago, what we understand today as romantic love practically did not exist),

all forms of couple love share certain characteristics, which have to do with the following:

• By feeling love, we seek to reach a certain level of commitment: sacrifice aspects of our individuality in order to live with that person and create plans for the future.
• Love evolves, being emotionally very intense at first (to maximize the chances knowing the other person better and getting to connect emotionally) and stabilizing with the passage of weather.
• Love has a strong emotional component, it is not based on a simple selection of potential partners taking into account objective criteria.
• Couple love usually has to do with sexual desire, due to the biological mechanisms on which it rests as a neurobiological phenomenon. But in some cases it can be given without sexual interest.

• You may be interested in: "What is love? (And what isn't) "

How to distinguish between love and emotional dependence?

As we have seen, so that love does not give rise to problems, it must be applied to a relationship in which there is a certain commitment. However, this commitment and the way in which we experience it (since it is subject to a great emotional charge) is far from giving rise to a situation of dependency. Let's see why.

1. Love gives rise to relationships that tend to symmetry

Couple love has to do with dialogue and the search for consensus about how to live together, creating a life project in which the aspirations of both people are compatible. That is why, by its very nature, reciprocated love tends to lead to symmetry; Neither person has a position of clear power over the other, in any case the abilities of both complement each other.

Instead, in emotional dependence that symmetry does not exist: there is someone who depends on the other, and there is someone who acts as a consequence of her role as a privileged party.

That is why even if the person who is not dependent lacks the will to harm the other, the relationship tends to become toxic very quickly; not because of their personality or aspirations, but because of the interaction and decision-making dynamics that are established between the two. The problem goes beyond individuals, it has to do with how they are related.

• Related article: "Emotional dependence: the pathological addiction to your sentimental partner"

2. Love is not based on fear, dependence is

Love has to do with the pleasure of being in the company of another person and the security offered by the expectation of having them with us in our lives; in fact, it is that tranquility of knowing that we can count on the other person one of the main sources of motivation that leads people to have a partner.

Nevertheless, emotional dependence is not positively oriented; In it, the main thing is to know how to manage the fear of the other person leaving us, losing interest in us or finding a better life project with another person. Thus, almost all actions carried out seeking validation from the boyfriend / girlfriend, husband or wife, are carried out while at the same time. defensively, in the face of these catastrophic predictions about what could happen if that person stops having incentives to be with us. side.

So that, if love has to do with being actively involved in a relationship, emotional dependence is based on a role of reaction, letting circumstances drag us down.

• You may be interested in: "What is fear for?"

3. Dependence has an obsessive component

During the infatuation phase, many people develop something similar to obsessive-type thoughts; They tend to constantly think about the person for whom they are strongly attracted, to take care to give a good image to them, and so on. However, this phenomenon has to do with the lack of information and the habit of being in front of that person; as it has been idealized, one tends to adopt a very meticulous perspective of how oneself should behave and how those first interactions should be managed.

But the infatuation lasts relatively little, a few months. As love matures and consolidates, becoming more emotionally stable, it loses that aspect of introspection and is oriented less to one's thoughts and fantasies. himself, but rather the desire to give support to the other person in a spontaneous and hardly thoughtful way, by really knowing their values, their concerns, their concerns and vulnerabilities, etc.

In contrast, emotional dependence retains its obsessive character indefinitely; What's more, as we have seen, it is based on the fear of abandonment, and this means that as time passes these obsessions can become even more intense.

• Related article: "The 12 types of obsessions (symptoms and characteristics)"

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