Affective relationships, and their link with happiness and health

Formerly, studies in the world of psychology focused on disease, pain, dysfunction, trauma... They tried to figure out how we got into these situations so difficult to cope with and how to get out of them, or at least alleviate them.

For some time now, although evidently this branch of study continues and continues to be Importantly, there are also many studies and theories more linked to what some call psychology positive. These, as their name suggests, are more focused on happiness, well-being, how to promote health…

I want to focus, for its relevance and magnitude, on the Harvard Adult Development Study. It is the longest study that has been done with adults. They have been monitoring 724 men since 1938 from adolescence to old age…. And over time they have included their wives and the more than 2,000 children they have had.

• Related article: "Positive Psychology: How Can You Be Really Happy?"

The Harvard Adult Development Study

At the beginning of this study, a group of researchers selected two groups of young people from very different: Harvard students and Boston slum kids from families with problems.

Every two years they passed a new battery of questions, medical records, scans, interviews with the children…. And although in adolescence everyone said that they believed that happiness would be achieved with fame, wealth or by achieving great success (these same responses are currently given in adolescents and young people) at 80 their perspective has changed a lot and they only talk about their relations.

Good personal relationships are what will mark our happiness and also our health. Better relationships with friends, family, colleagues, and of course, with your partner, the happier and healthier we will be.

Thus, it is shown that the best way to predict health at age 80 is not cholesterol, but how satisfactory personal relationships are at age 50 and beyond.

The main conclusions of this study are:

• People with more social ties are happier, they are healthier and live longer. Social relationships do us good and loneliness kills.
• It has not so much to do with the quantity of relationships, but with the quality from the same. We have all ever felt alone surrounded by many people, and yet very accompanied by a simple look. So it is about having relationships in which we feel welcomed, understood, valued, accepted, ...
• Good relationships don't just protect our bodies, even from pain, they also protect our minds from the ravages of the passing years

In conclusion, we can all decide whether to live our lives alone (accompanied) or as a couple, but in either of In both cases it is important that our bonds with others are strong in order to live, and grow old, healthy and happy.

Does living as a couple improve our health?

For those of us who decide to live our life as a couple, we put many of these bonds there, in the person we have chosen to share our story. I always tell the couples who consult me ​​that one is free to live without a partner and to have these ties widely distributed among friends, family, work colleagues... but When deciding to have a relationship, we combine many of those connection needs in one person. That is why relationships fill us so much when they are good and we tend to feel so needy when they are bad.

And this brings us to the key question: “What can I do to have one of these Couple relationships bring me health and happiness? " No one better than Sue Johnson, the creator of the Emotion Focused Couples Therapy model to answer it: "Love is simple, but it is not easy."

A good relationship needs trust, that we are capable of taking risks with the other, of showing ourselves as we are, of opening ourselves up to him or her, and that the other responds to us by being emotionally present. Let him pay attention to us, tune in to our feelings and stay there with us, accompanying us. That once we show that most vulnerable part of us, he stays by our side, not that he solves our problems, but that we can feel him close.

It is simple, to be there for the other when he needs us, but not easy, because being vulnerable is an act of bravery in the days that run. I sincerely believe, and so I tell the couples who consult me, that although the society in which we live leads us to an increasing individualism, in which needing the other is experienced as a weakness, trying to live a relationship with a partner from that "not needing" or rather from that pretending that we don't need, leaves us alone when accompanied, leaves us sad and dissatisfied.

For all this it is important to take care of our relationship as a couple, share, be, sincerely and without hiding; because in that is the key to our happiness and also to our health.

It is not about not arguing, it is not about always agreeing, it is not about pretending, but about knowing that the other is our safe haven, beyond any discussion.

Fortunately, we are fortunate that Sue Johnson has created a model of therapy that shows us the way to be able to be present and linked with our partner, who teaches us how to do this that many times is not easy for us, even if it is very simple.