Daniel Morales: «It is not possible to completely forget the past»

Many memories leave a painful emotional imprint on us, but despite the fact that precisely because of what they made us feel we cannot eliminate them from our memory, we must learn to live with them.

Fortunately, in psychotherapy there are ways to achieve this goal, and the psychologist Daniel Morales, whom we interviewed, explains it to us here.

• Related article: "What are false memories and why do we suffer from them?"

Interview with Daniel Morales: reconciliation with painful memories

Daniel Morales is a psychologist specialized in the clinical and psychotherapy fields, and attends both from his office in Quito and through the online mode. In this interview he talks about the psychological techniques used to manage painful memories.

To what extent is it necessary to know how to forget in order to reach a state of happiness?

It is not possible to completely forget the past. In fact, there are things that mark our lives in a way that remembering them becomes automatic, and the moment we do it they come feelings of anger, fear, guilt, frustration or the typical “I should have done this” or “why didn't I behave like that”, etc.

But it is possible to remember in peace and without feeling pain. This is achieved through unconditional acceptance of facts and situations. There is no pill that makes you forget, it has not been invented yet. Perhaps in the future, but it would also be very counterintuitive, because without life experience and without awareness of the bad and the good we would not be able to face complicated situations. In addition, feeling pain is necessary for human survival, And those "bad" experiences are lessons that if you remember them and interpret them well, you will be happy even if they remain in your mind.

For a few decades, it has been known that our memories are constantly being modified without our being aware of it. Is it possible to take advantage of this fact to better manage our identity and not fall into too rigid frames of interpretation of reality?

It is possible through rational emotional evaluation techniques, which consist of desensitizing the person to the malicious act and helping them to better interpret the situation. Our thoughts, feelings and actions modify the structure of our memory matrix, and therefore our emotions will be more rewarding or negative depending on how you are evaluating your past situation, your present and your projection future.

The best method to modify negative experiences is by working on context and open-mindedness. Starting from these two points, we can define ourselves better in relation to what we live.

What strategies and techniques are used in psychotherapy to help people reconcile with their past?

First, through rational emotional evaluation: it is based on the idea that my past or present situation does not affect me, but I am affected by my interpretation of that situation. By nature the human being is an innate evaluator, we are always analyzing everything that happens around us; If you drink an orange juice in a certain place, your mind will be evaluating the taste, the environment the sensations associated with it, and will compare that with other places and other juices that you you've taken. This is automatic and happens because in your memory matrix there is information about you drinking orange juice.

The same thing happens when you face a fight with your partner, you break up with your boyfriend, you fight with your parents, you get a bad grade... Your mind evaluates the situation and interprets it in a similar way to your past experiences.

If at school you had applause when you spoke to your classmates and teachers when presenting your research work, your Mind you save the experience in your memory files that situation and attribute public speaking to something rewarding; However, if when speaking in front of your classmates and teachers you were booed, your mind will keep in your memory matrix the fact of speaking in public as something unpleasant and every time you have the opportunity to do it you will not do it because your mind will send you anxiety signals warning you that you are in danger.

In a situation you always have two options. The first is to evaluate it in a negative way which will cause you pain, and the second to evaluate it in a more rational way.

Second, by eliminating feelings of guilt: what you cannot control should not worry you, and if it does, it is because you give it importance to make you worry. People blame themselves because they think that blaming themselves eliminates that feeling, but it is completely false.

Third, the use of metaphors is important. They are used to manifest a truth through a different truth, putting in context that there are no absolute truths beyond mathematics. With this technique, the patient becomes detached from the result and focuses more on enjoying the process.

Finally, strategic goal planning is used to help find happiness and give a purposeful perspective on life. This technique is the structural part of psychotherapeutic success, and it emphasizes what the patient really wants and what he or she is committed to.

From there, we proceed to carry out small actions that lead to small daily victories so that the mind goes away. accustomed to aspiring to greater achievements, because the mind learns more by means of the trial principle than by that of the promise. When you see results you go there because it is real for your eyes.

Some people might say that trying to intervene on our memories represents a form of self-deception. Do you think that is what happens when we manage the content of our memory to reach emotional states that we want?

In several respects, the human mind does not distinguish reality from fantasy, therefore we can improve considerably by taking advantage of this bias.

Here's an exercise: imagine a joyful or fun event that you had at any time of your life, a memory that makes you feel happy and full of joy, and that you want to to live. You already have it? Perfect. How did you feel? You sure felt pretty good, right?

Now you are going to imagine something that you want with your whole being; use your five senses to imagine it vividly, and keep it in your mind. What did you feel? You sure felt really good, right?

You felt the same emotions of happiness, joy and well-being imagining an outcome you wanted as remembering a happy moment in your past. In the same way, we can give a happy ending to your past experiences, you just need the correct method and guide.

How do you make it easier for people to learn from their mistakes to use that information to improve in the present and in the future?

The brain learns from experiences. Therefore, a reward and disincentive technique is used to teach a new reality to the mind.

How does that step from a past that makes us feel bad to a present in which we accept ourselves as we are?

First, the patient is asked to talk about the past that causes him pain, through deep questions and that they create conscience (sometimes going to the opposite extremes of the imagination with the painful fact). After that, the past is restructured with a new meaning, making the patient create a vision of his present and project himself into his future. This is done by means of regulation techniques of the future.