Negative self-talk: what it is, how it affects us and how to manage it

How we speak to ourselves in the depths of our mind influences both how we feel and how we relate to the world and others.

If our internal dialogue is negative, it can distort the interpretation of reality, causing us to feel bad and to behave ineffectively in the face of the problems that make up our day-to-day lives.

Learning to change our self-talk is essential to change our emotions and behaviors. By replacing our negative and demoralizing thoughts with positive and motivating thoughts, we will be able to enjoy greater well-being and we will have a more constructive view of reality. Let's find out how to do it.

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Negative self-talk: when we are our worst critic

Mahatma Gandhi is credited with a wise proverb, which is perfect for explaining today's topic:

"Watch your thoughts because they will become words. Take care of your words because they will become acts. Take care of your actions because they will become habits. Take care of your habits because they will shape your character. Take care of your character because it will shape your destiny. And your destiny will be your life. "

What we say to ourselves and repeat in our minds can condition our way of seeing the world and relating to it. If we have a positive, hopeful and happy thought, we will perceive the world as a place safe, full of opportunities and, also, in which we can grow and interact healthily with the the rest.

On the other hand, if we think negatively, telling ourselves that we are not worth it or reminding ourselves of how bad we have done in the past, we we will fill with frustrations, fears and insecurity, seeing the world as a dangerous place and in which its day-to-day problems are insurmountable.

We can define negative self-talk as the train of thought that we have with ourselves in the form of silent talk in which we say bad things to ourselves, negative aspects of our person or the world.

Our mental voice reminds us of our weaknesses, exaggerates threats and even attributes failures to us that we did not actually commit or had little responsibility in their commission. Our worst critic is ourselves, and it is through this type of dialogue that we whip ourselves.

This may be of little relevance to more than one. Is it so negative to say bad things to yourself from time to time? It is true that we are not always going to think in a positive, happy and wonderful way, since too many things happen to us in this life to always think in a positive way. happy, now, there is an important difference between having a negative thought from time to time and another is turning it into a constant dialogue in the intimacy of our mind.

That continuous hum can greatly condition our life so much that it prevents us from enjoying it, changes our behavior and makes us feel terrible.

The content of our mind is made up of thoughts, interpretations, expectations, and internal self-talk. All this can be manifested in the form of phrases and images.

When our thoughts or the dialogue we have with ourselves are negative, dramatic and irrefutable, the interpretation we make reality is distorted, giving rise to emotions and ways of facing the world and experiences out of adjustment to the real situation that the triggers.

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Psychological effects of negative self-talk

Negative self-talk can be tremendously detrimental to our mental health and the performance of our daily activities, so much so that its appearance in the form of obsessive ideas could be a symptom of a mental disorder As the TOC.

This is not to say that displaying negative self-talk necessarily means that we present psychopathology, however, it is true that it is something worrisome enough to try to put a final.

The relationship between our thoughts and our emotions is strong and close: if we have negative thoughts, we will feel negative emotions. Considering that our emotions drive our behavior, exaggerated or disproportionate thoughts about a negative situation will trigger intense emotional reactions that will lead to inappropriate behaviors and maladaptive.

In turn, our ineffective behavior will cause us to make more mistakes, which will feed and originate new negative thoughts. and, consequently, unpleasant emotions will be re-lived intensely that will cause problems when facing the world. In other words, a whole vicious cycle of negative thoughts, emotions and behaviors is generated.

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Causes: why do we talk badly to each other?

As with many of our behaviors, our thoughts are learned, something also applicable to the type of internal dialogue we have with ourselves. Without underestimating genetics, the truth is that what strongly determines our way of thinking, feeling and behaving are lived experiences. If we have learned to talk to ourselves in a certain way, this means that we can also learn to do it in another. In other words, it is possible to unlearn the negative self-talk and learn the positive, much more constructive and desirable.

The causes behind our having a negative internal dialogue can be multiple. Virtually any aspect of the person's daily life, personality and experiences may have conditioned his mind to have a critical self-dialogue with himself.. Personality traits are very influential, something very visible in anxious people who tend to interpret situations of any kind as more threatening than they really are.

We cannot ignore the effect of our social relationships. The family, as the first environment for socialization, shapes our way of thinking, conditioning our positive or negative way of seeing the world.

For example, if we had very strict parents, who relativized our successes and focused on our failures, we are likely to always think about all the bad things we do, leaving aside all the good things that we undoubtedly do. Friendships, especially toxic ones, also condition our way of thinking in a similar way.

The experiences lived are quite important. It is common for us to judge our worth, capabilities and how well or badly we believe that something is going to turn out based on what we have already experienced. If, for example, we once made a mistake, it is likely that we take that failure into account every time we try to do something that is related to the situation in which we made a mistake.

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Cognitive biases involved in this dialogue

In most cases, our negative self-talk is the result of a misinterpretation of reality, an interpretation which is the consequence of various cognitive biases, distortions that make us perceive reality in a partial way. Among the cognitive biases that influence our way of interpreting reality and, therefore, can cause negative internal dialogue are:

• Magnification: giving too much importance to a negative fact or mistake
• Minimization: downplaying a positive event or personal ability
• Catastrophism: anticipating everything that can go wrong
• Overgeneralization: drawing universal conclusions from particular facts
• Divination: believing that the reason for the behavior of others is known

These four main biases are associated with a wide repertoire of intense and negative emotions, which give rise to a behavior that is not very adjusted to the situation that chains them. If you can identify them, you can start to stop negative internal dialogue.

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How to stop negative self-talk

As we have seen, negative self-talk greatly affects our emotions and behavior and reduces our well-being and ability to cope with the demands of our day-to-day life.

It can affect our family, social and work relationships, in addition to preventing us from behaving adaptively with the opportunities, challenges and complex situations that are part of life. Therefore, by changing the internal dialogue to a positive one, it is expected that we feel more motivated, enjoy greater well-being and take advantage of all the good that life has to offer us.

In order to stop negative internal dialogue, we can rely on the following four tips.

1. Detect the relationship between your thoughts, emotions and behavior

In the moment of experiencing a very intense negative emotion, try to stop that moment, even if it is difficult.

Write down on a sheet of paper what has caused it, what you have thought, what you have said to yourself and how you have interpreted the situation in which it has arisen. Also write down your feelings and the behaviors associated with them. This is the first step, since this way we will detect both the origin and behavioral consequences of our negative internal dialogue.

2. Are they reasonable thoughts?

Identify your thoughts and ask yourself whether or not they are reasonable. A reasonable thought is one that can be contrasted by experience, empirically, and that is not exaggerated for what has caused it.

Instead, unreasonable thinking is based on unprovable assumptions, expresses itself dramatically and exaggeratedly and produces emotions so intense that they interfere with our ability to solve problems.

3. Try to generate alternative thinking

Once we have understood what is the relationship between our thoughts, emotions and behavior, in addition to assess how unreasonable they are, we are going to try to generate alternative thinking in key positive.

To do this, we can use the sheet of paper from the first tip, writing next to the original negative thought a positive thought, something that can replace it and that does not provoke unpleasant and intense emotions. Think of possibilities to that thought that are more in line with reality and do not cause you so much emotional distress.

4. Go to the psychologist

As we said, negative internal dialogue can be a symptom of a psychological problem and, therefore, professional help will be required to treat it. This type of dialogue is present in the minds of people with depression, anxiety and OCD, among others, problems that can become very disabling and only through the help of a psychotherapist can they notice improvement.

Cognitive-behavioral therapy is especially noteworthy, since with this type of treatment we will learn techniques for the management of self-dialogue internal negative, which will improve our emotional state and help us cope with the problems of the day to day. Among them we can highlight the Beck's cognitive therapy and the Ellis rational emotional therapy, which can put an end, or at least brake, that boring and destructive negative self-talk.