Strategies to prevent and manage anger

Anger is an emotion. It is a signal linked to a set of physiological changes that occur in our body, and that treat to warn us that something is happening in our outer or inner world that is not aligned with us; something with which we do not agree; something we don't like; something that, according to our point of view, we cannot allow.

Our anger, rage, go to (you can call it whatever you like best), it is nothing more than a Defense mechanism that helps us fight a discomfort. It appears when in a situation we are very far from our needs.

What types of anger are there?

We could simplify and give a classification of emotions depending on whether or not our needs are covered, in this way we would have:

• When our needs are covered and we feel good... we have positive emotions.
• When our needs are not covered and we feel bad... we have negative emotions.

It is a lot to simplify but sometimes simplicity is the key.

Good emotions and not so good emotions

Among the needs mentioned in the classification we could find ourselves from basic needs, subsistence and well-being (food, hydration, rest, tranquility ...) to identity needs (self-affirmation, respect, integrity ...), relational needs (attention, love, listening ...), needs for meaning, security, freedom, recreation, participation, fulfillment and celebration.

Any type of need that we have, if it is not covered, generates discomfort.

From negative emotions to anger

But let's get back to our anger again.

Synthesizing what we have seen so far... if we get angry it is because at that moment one of our needs is not being satisfied. Then, our body responds with a host of physiological reactions to warn us that we have to act. Our wise body cannot allow our need to go unmet.

But what happens... that we focus so much on ourselves, and on our needs, that we do not realize that the other person also has theirs.

Generally we only look at what we need and focus on the words, attitude, and gestures of the other person and that we cannot allow them to talk to us like that or to treat us like that.

When we get angry, we tend to overreact

What is the worst of this?

Well what in the vast majority of cases we lose the north of the real reason for our anger. We end up angry with ourselves, or with third parties, and on many occasions leaving our original unmet need, and even leading to the creation of new needs, due to anger in Yes.

Perhaps your anger has appeared because you were tired or you needed to be recognized for your work or simply because you needed a little peace of mind and there is a horrible fuss ...

The reasons can be infinite but, many times, nWe focus so much on the attitude of the other person that our anger ends up not achieving its true purpose, which is that your need is covered or, at least, validated.

Trying to prevent anger

Ideally, when we find ourselves in a state of anger, we investigate a little more.

Ask yourself:

What are you missing? What need do you not have covered? Why is your body reacting like this?

Okay, we've already seen your anger... now we go to the other side:

"But what happens to the other person ?!"... "Doesn't he see what you need ?!"... "How can you be so selfish ?!"

That is what we generally think and sometimes even say without realizing that the other person also has their needs. So now, we are going to try to manage in a correct way the moments of anger that we all have at some point.

Managing moments of anger step by step

1. Analyze why you get angry

Close your eyes for a moment and think about an argument or an anger that you have recently had with someone (your partner, a co-worker, your child)… What happened?

Sure that you had a totally valid reason to feel bad and that is why your anger was triggered to come to your defense. But you have to keep several things in mind. Let's continue. Close your eyes again but now focus on the real need you had when your anger, you needed silence, you needed fun, darling, recognition, what was your need real?

And now, let's change our role.

What reason could your partner, coworker or your son have to act like he did? What unmet need was behind it?

Imagine that you are the other person... What need do you think you may have? You need to replenish energy, respect, play ...

How do you see the discussion now? Are you still seeing it from your self?

Have you been able to empathize with the other person and see or feel the other need for them? From this place, would you have acted differently?

Personally I think none of us voluntarily seek an argumentHowever, many times we find ourselves with two totally opposite unmet needs (ours and that of the other person), To which neither of us know how to name or communicate adequately, and this unintentionally turns into a conflict.

2. Take a breath and think about the needs of each one

The next time you detect that your anger automatic is triggered... Stand up and ask yourself:

What need of mine is not being met? And then ask yourselfWhat possible need of the other person is not being met?

If in a discussion we try to cover both needs, from humility, from tranquility, from the perspective that no need is more important than the other, but they are different and valid needs, at that moment and in both people, then the discussion has finalized.

3. Reinterpret conflicts and give them a positive way out

Turn your conflicts into a search for solutions, trying to cover both needs as far as possible, and validating both needs as legitimate and equally important.

Sometimes we will not be able to cover both needs at the same time, but we can always resolve the conflict validating both needs as important and looking for a possible solution even if one is postponed, a little more.

I propose that in your next discussion you start by asking yourself:

What I need... And the other person, what does he need?

What are the needs that are not being covered?

You will see how automatically your anger will diminish.