How do I know if I am emotionally dependent on love?

Who has not ever felt a "hook" for someone she was meeting or with whom she was in love? That feeling that keeping said person around is our top priority?

Sometimes we can feel something like an addiction, not related to a substance or a specific activity, but towards a person in our environment.

• Related article: "Emotional psychology: main theories of emotion"

What is emotional dependency?

Emotional dependence is defined as: "The extreme need of an affective type that one person feels towards another in her relationship with her".

This emotional dependence comes hand in hand with a sense of lack of self-identity, with a loss of connection between what you feel, need and desires, and with a great lack of personal investment.

Let's see what are the most marked characteristics and beliefs of an emotionally dependent person.

• You may be interested in: "The 5 types of couples therapy"

What characteristics of the person are associated with emotional dependence?

These are mainly the lack of self-esteem (having a negative self-concept) but also the lack of assertiveness and social skills

when expressing different opinions, avoiding conflicts ...

A person with low selfsteem it does not necessarily end in emotionally dependent relationships, but it does make it more likely.

The warning signs of emotional dependence are as follows.

1. Fear to loneliness

This fear it is very common among people who have not learned how beneficial it is to be with themselves, spend quality time alone to listen to, get to know and pamper yourself. We confuse being alone with feeling alone, and it is not the same!

Thoughts that give us a clue about whether we suffer from a fear of loneliness would be: "People always leave me", "I cannot be happy without a partner", "Single people are unsuccessful and unhappy people" ...

• Related article: "The 7 types of loneliness, and their causes and characteristics"

2. Fear of breakup, rejection, abandonment

This fear is closely related to the previous one, while a breakup or abandonment by the couple leads to being left alone.

When there is a fear of breaking up, we tend to perform all kinds of behaviors that assure us that this will not happen. And these types of behaviors are generally submissive in nature: we forget our limits as a sacrifice in favor of maintaining the relationship.

For example, stopping doing things that we like because our partner does not share it, even if it is perfectly compatible.

In the event that the breakup finally comes, it will be denied and unsuccessful attempts will be made to regain the relationship, so it will also take much longer to recover.

Key thoughts on the fear of breaking up are:

• Ideas of demand towards oneself such as "I should like and please my partner above all else" "I must be the perfect partner"
• Catastrophic ideas "it would be terrible if he left me, I couldn't get over it"
• Absolutist ideas "is everything to me, I would never get over him leaving"
• Ideas about need "I need him / her like air to breathe"
• Negative anticipations: “what if she leaves me…? What if you meet someone else? "

3. Control / domain exercised and received / accepted

It may happen that there are two perfectly complementary roles, the controller and the submissive, and in these cases, the relationships are more durable, because their members need each other.

The typical irrational thoughts of the controlling person have to do with this need for control: "It's horrible when things don't go my way."

On the other hand, the typical insane thoughts of the person who submits they have to do with the need for affection and approval and with perceiving the rupture or abandonment as probable:

• Ideas of need: "I need to be with this person", "I need to be loved and approved by others", "I need someone stronger to depend on"

• Anticipatory ideas for disasters: “if I don't do what he asks me, he will leave me”, “I'll be left alone”.

• Related article: "The 30 signs of psychological abuse in a relationship"

4. Jealousy, desire for exclusivity

Jealousy is a manifestation of the desire for exclusivity towards the other person and involves several phases: anger, rage, humiliation, anxiety, sadness and depression.

It is normal to feel jealous when they are punctual and we do not obsess over the idea of ​​infidelity. They become problematic the moment they produce hypervigilance and controlling behaviors that cause the relationship to deteriorate.

The thoughts revolve around the unjustified suspicion of a possible infidelity, attributing a large number of actions of the other person as proof that she cheats on us or will cheat in the future, for example, when she is nice to third parties or when she arrives later than provided.

5. Disproportionate priority of the partner

When the couple is ahead, in a long list of vital priorities, of our needs, well-being, dignity or personal projects, then we run the risk of getting lost.

We will be dedicating an enormous amount of energy to only one area of ​​our lives, and there are many!

6. Self-limitation

A common belief when we are self-limiting is that "personal interests should be renounced for those of the couple."

In a healthy relationship, both parties include added value and contribute their own interests, hobbies, projects, which must be equally accommodated. Ideally, there is a shared space of compatible activities that both like and, on the other hand, that very necessary and personal living space.

If you have felt identified with any of these thoughts and above all, if you think it is a problem that you have been dragging on, perhaps it is time to get professional advice. Learn to live healthier and freer relationships!