Emotional snags: why they occur and what can be done about them

The dreaded emotional hookups... Yes, those love stories that you get hooked on and that don't usually end well. How many of us have our heads gone by someone who did not correspond to us or who corresponded to us in appearance but then did not pay us any attention?

Understanding why these emotional hooks occur is the first step to freeing ourselves from them. We will also look at some ways to feel better.

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What is an emotional hookup?

The mystery of the love affair is simple: as long as that person gives me what I want from time to time, he compensates for the bad that he gives me or what he does not give me. One of lime and one of sand. In psychology this is known as intermittent reinforcement: only sometimes do I get what I want. This ends up generating us anxiety, which does not help to see things clearly or make good decisions.

On the other hand, intermittent reinforcement has been shown to underlie many addictions. Also of love addiction.

I explain it to you with an example

Imagine you have a great car, but a wreck, that only starts sometimes. The truth is that you could take the bus, which always takes you where you need it and does not fail you.

Your car sometimes leaves you in the lurch in the morning and it is stressful to have to rush to work afterwards. But since it is on your street and when it starts it is a joy because it takes you faster, you keep trying to start it in the morning. Sometimes it starts, sometimes it doesn't, but you're still there, insisting.

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Dysfunctional relationships

Sometimes the lack of effort and correspondence on the other side is ambiguous; in others, there are explicit rejection messages that we refuse to accept.

I also think it is important to emphasize that living those hookups does not always mean that we have a tendency to find these types of relationships, Many times, the hitch is pure consequence of the dynamics and behavior of the other person. And although it is true that our self-esteem may not have been at its best when we started, it is certainly going to suffer as time goes by.

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How to detect them?

Check in the following list if you see yourself reflected / or in any of the symptoms of affective attachment:

• The other seems to have the power, that is, you often think “I love him more than he does me” so you have more to “lose”.
• You justify his behavior often: "He's confused, he's having a bad time with his work / family," etc. Be careful, you will be normalizing that this relationship does not provide you with what you need.
• You personalize his lack of interest: "Actually, I'm a bit heavy with Whatsapps and I'm always aware of my cell phone."
• Sometimes it seems that you are seeing the relationship only as it was in moments when it has made you happy, but you are not attentive to the present.
• You change aspects of your personal identity by conforming to the other person. For example, musical tastes, ways of dressing ...
• You may be slowly forgetting your friendships and social support network, as the relationship consumes most of your time and energy.

Also, in situations like this we may have mixed feelings towards that person. She inevitably attracts us, but at the same time "we would kill her." These highly polarized emotions destabilize us and often make us make impulsive or wrong decisions. For example, writing him riding a tremendous chicken or riding him in person.

Also, women They have taught us that we must go naked in love and that we can do nothing to avoid suffering. The romantic love myths They do us a lot of harm when it comes to relating to each other. Nor does the fear of loneliness help.

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What to do if you are in this situation?

Of course, the first step is to recognize that you are within this dynamic. Acknowledge that it wasn't always like this and ask yourself: Is this what I want? What do I look for in a couple relationship? Instability or stability? Uncertainty or confidence in the future?

Now think of a friend or acquaintance who has gone through the same thing. If you were there, remember what you said to her or what you thought watching her suffer like this. Weigh your own suffering. It is exactly as important, if not more, because it is yours.

It may be helpful to do some decision-making exercise, such as the following. It's like the typical pros and cons exercise, but with the short term and the long term each time. Do not leave anything out: the material, the sexual, the emotional ...

If you do not want to talk to anyone, for fear of being judged, it is normal. But try not to isolate yourself. Your friends are still there. And you can always ask them to refer to behaviors and not to ways of being. Or ask them not to give you their opinion, if all you need is to be listened to.

Go alone / or out there. If it's for a few days, all the better. Being alone you eliminate a lot of mental noise. It can help to start a journal and focus on how you feel rather than the facts.

Give yourself many whims. A) Yes. Did you know that an attitude changes after an action change? You can do the test by smiling slightly every time you feel unwell. You will notice how after a few minutes you start to feel calmer. Change the way you act. Show yourself love with small daily acts. And little by little you will feel it.

Emotional hookups are not easy to overcome alone; If you feel like you need a little nudge, don't hesitate to ask for help. In my online therapy sessions I can teach you tools to feel better, in addition to doing it with someone.