The differences in a relationship: do opposites attract?

What makes a couple maintain a harmonious union and how to evaluate whether my partner or the person I am dating and I are good together? We all know the saying “opposites attract,” but is it true? And if so, is it good?

Finally, just because there is attraction does not necessarily mean that two people should be together. There may be a lot of attraction in a couple, but the dynamic is toxic, that is, it goes in a direction that is not healthy for both or at least for one of the two members of the relationship.

Differences can be complements or points of friction, depending a lot on what differences we are talking about. Almost all of us find some things in common, as well as some opposite poles with our partner and the fact that there are fights or disagreements is not necessarily means that we are very different, it could also be the opposite, that we are too similar, as would be the case of two people with a different temperament. explosive.

Respect and trust, two essential components

Within a relationship we cannot and do not need to agree on everything, differences can be complements that enrich our life and personal growth.

. The important thing is that any difference is discussed, as we say, “at the same level.” I cannot speak as if my opinion is better than the other's, as if I am right or know better, while my partner is "wrong."

Beyond the content of the conversation, the treatment and posture towards the partner is important, which must be respectful and based on trust. It means, if my partner thinks or does differently, he doesn't do it against me, but simply in his own way. While I feel that the person I am with respects me, that is, listens to me, is interested in what I have to say to them. Even though he may not like it and receives mine with attention and care, I am in a safe place and I can rely.

As soon as I realize that, because I think differently, maybe I don't want to say something to avoid confrontation, it can be an indicator that, I don't feel safe expressing my point of view because I learned that my partner despises or ridicules it, as happens in relationships. toxic.

What should we have in common?

Respect and trust being the values ​​of healthy relationships, we all have our personal values ​​that vary from person to person. The curious thing about personal values ​​is that they are a bit like our “common sense” because they are aspects that we think everything the world values ​​in the same way, precisely because they are so important to us, we think they should be transversal. Then we are surprised or angry by people who do not act according to our values ​​and even more so by our partner, who is supposed to be on our side.

Overcoming differences in personal values ​​is complex because they represent our most significant convictions and visions for life, they are like the compass that guides our journey through life.. All our decisions and actions depend on them and if my partner does not empathize with the same values ​​or even has very opposite values, it is difficult to navigate in the same direction.

How do I identify my personal values ​​and those of my partner?

Identifying our personal values ​​is not as simple as thinking what is good and what is bad for me? Most people would say that honesty is good and important for a relationship. But not all of us are always honest, but suddenly I prefer not to generate controversy and I avoid certain topics or use “innocent” lies so as not to be disliked.

If so, what I really value would be maintaining harmony and being liked by others. Identifying my real personal values ​​then means continually reviewing my actions and intentions.. If it is difficult for me to understand from what intention my partner does something or I do not identify with his behavior in front of other people or their way of facing different situations, it may be that we have a conflict of values.

Now, personal values ​​can also change and just like all the differences I can identify with my partner, it is possible that I discover something in the other's values ​​that I also I want to learn. Maybe I would like to learn to be more honest in my relationships and my partner can function as a model, just as I would model him/her in other ways.

How to cope with differences?

3 questions that help me cope with differences or understand that our differences are not compatible.

1. In what sense are we really different and what unites us beyond the differences?

Is what is different about my partner enriching for me? What do I admire about what he or she does, achieves, or represents that I don't have? Although we may have different points of view or interests, there is something that keeps us together and despite having different points of view on some aspects or different hobbies, there is a genuine admiration between both of them for the person they have at their side and they see the things that distinguish them as a complement.

2. Is there respect and trust?

If I can maintain a respectful posture towards my partner and despite being different, he/she respects me, trusts me and is interested in what I think. On the other hand, if the differences lead us to insults, that is, we use nicknames, disqualifications or ridicule the other when We argue about our different points of view, we are in a power struggle where being right is more important than seeking Connection.

3. What are your limits or deal-breakers and how consistent are you with them?

We could distinguish between “acceptable” differences that can be endured (or even that enrich and complement) and “deal-breakers” (contract-breakers), which would be aspects that, based on our values ​​and convictions, do not we can tolerate. Many times they are issues of position and ideology. Yes, for example, I couldn't be with a very religious person, because I have a very critical view towards religions. Or, I couldn't be with someone who treats other people as inferior, because respect and humility are very important to me.

Deal-breakers can become points of dilemmatic confrontation, where perhaps there is love and attraction for certain factors, but on the other side there are points that generate a strong aversion.. To lead with aversion, a common reaction is that we try to change the other person. It can be through arguments and discussions, but also by setting limits and ultimatums (e.g. "You should stop smoking because I can't be with a smoker.")

If the couple recognizes and agrees it can work, but many times this is not the case and one feels uncomfortable or forced to follow rules to be accepted which is not an option to maintain a relationship fury. It is difficult to trust a person who crosses my limits and it is fairer for both of us to admit what They are deal breakers, which means: If it does not change, and is not negotiable, the relationship cannot be hold.

Conclusions

In conclusion, regardless of whether there are differences (which there always are) and whether opposites attract or not, we must pay attention to the treatment and communication that must be respectful despite the differences. In psychotherapy we would say: focus more on the process than the content.

Finally, we can learn to accept and negotiate our differences, or in the case of a “deal-breaker” we would have to set limits and be consistent with them.. Which means ending the relationship if an agreement cannot be reached.