The 13 rules of communication in the couple

One of the most demanded services at Mariva Psicólogos is couples therapy, the basis of which is communication.

And it is that in our day-to-day relationships not all communication is adequate, and just promoting it is not usually enough: it is not only about quantity, but also about quality. To achieve this communicative quality in our love life, work in therapy is often necessary, since it can be It is difficult for the couple to detect exactly what is wrong and what can be done to understand each other better and argue less.

Despite this, there are some basic “rules” of communication that, beyond couples therapy, can serve as a basis for fostering good understanding. Let's see what they are.

• Related article: "12 tips to better manage couple arguments"

The main rules for good communication in the couple

Following these communication guidelines can help make life as a couple easier and the love bond does not weaken.

1. Talk about the issue at hand

Try not to "mix" different topics, especially in discussions. This can mean that we do not resolve the issue we wanted to talk about, and that the conversation drag on without reaching a "good port".

Nor is it convenient to go to the other extreme and be too insistent on something. If it is already spoken and the problem has been solved or, simply, it is concluded that you have two different points of view, it is not necessary or useful to reiterate and bring up the subject many times.

2. Have a positive and realistic language

When talking about the behavior of the other person, we will try to avoid terms like: "nothing", "always", "never", "everything"... and phrases like: "you are always the same", "you do everything bad ”, etc. In addition to being quite painful, it is very likely that they do not show reality and that you are not being objective. In short, do not generalize.

3. Respect

Of course, do not be disrespectful (do not insult or yell, control non-verbal language ...). Think about how it would hurt if your partner did it, it is the basis of communication.

This point is essential and, if it fails, it is very difficult for us to comply with the rest of the aspects or that the relationship can be worked on.

4. Have a positive attitude

In addition to positive language, a positive attitude would be important. Being pessimistic and with an attitude of defeat is not the best way to find solutions if there is a problem.

5. Highlight the good

Try to praise what you like about your partner. If we only tell each other the negative aspects, we are not realistic and we can promote the irritability and defensive attitude of the other.

6. Practice active listening

Let the other person speak and, above all, listen to her and try to empathize and understand her.

• You may be interested: "Active listening: the key to communicating with others"

7. Do not leave anything in the pipeline

Do not remain silent, if you speak too little and do not express yourself, it is difficult for them to understand you.

8. Bet on clarity

Try to express yourself clearly. Avoid "I say this but I want to say something else", or "I say yes but I hope my partner understands that no." Unless your partner is a fortune teller, it will be difficult for him to understand what you mean.

9. Do not take for granted what the other person thinks or wants

We do not guess the thought, we must believe what our partner tells us. For example: if they tell us "I would like to accompany you", we should not interpret "surely he does not want to".

10. Manter an order in the conversation

Try not to interrupt and respect speaking turns. If you interrupt, you don't let the person express themselves, you don't listen to them properly ...

11. Don't fall for labels

Don't label. It is not the same to say "you have left your shoes off" or "you are a disaster and you always leave everything in the middle". Here we make the mistake of generalizing (see rule 2) and labeling a person a disaster who may only be confused with their shoes.

12. Express motivations

To ask for behavior changes, be specific and express how you feel and what you want to achieve. For example: "When you leave your shoes outside, I get nervous and I would like you to remember to put them in the shoe rack." Let's take another example: "I would like you to let me know if you are going to arrive later than twelve, when you don't I worry, is that okay?"

13. Avoid ereproches

If we receive criticism or ask us to change our behavior, it is important not to fall into the “and you more”, “I have done this but you also did that”... it is a defensive attitude, it does not allow us to see why our behavior is annoying.

We must assess whether we can and want to change it, explain why we do it, etc. But the purpose should not be to "fight" against the other and see who makes the most mistakes, that could be an eternal and destructive conversation.

In conclusion

We know how difficult it is to put it into practice, but we hope these tips have been useful to you. Try to practice them in your day to day and do not hesitate to go to couples therapy if you think that your relationship can improve in terms of communication or in any other area. Your therapist will guide you through the process and it will be much easier than trying to improve it without this help.