Empty love: what is it, characteristics and how to identify it in a relationship

Love relationships can be of many types. There are them with passion, intimacy and commitment, lived fully and very satisfactorily. Others, however, become more empty, lacking in passion but maintained by the mere fact that it is difficult to break them after so long.

Empty love is the shell of what was once a passionate relationship and deep knowledge of two people who loved each other very much. Now it is simply a sustained relationship because it is difficult to get out of the comfort zone that, although unpleasant, is preferable to any change.

This kind of love is one of the ones he proposed the famous American psychologist Robert J. Sternberg in the triangular theory of him, being this empty love in which we are going to deepen next.

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What is empty love?

Love is something that can be very beautiful, even magical. Although each one lives it in their own way, each person having a different concept of love, there is no doubt that it is better to have love in our lives than not to have it.

There are people who understand that timeshare should be prioritized in a relationship and others who value freedom. There are also those for whom sex is essential in a love relationship, while others take a rather secondary role.

It is no mystery that the spark of love can go out. The magic, passion, intimacy, pleasure and excitement that seeing our partner causes us can fade, for any reason. On many occasions this ends in relationship problems, infidelities or directly, in the breakdown of the relationship. However, in others it happens that the relationship continues, they remain a couple, sometimes preserved more by avoid the bad drink of breaking that not because you have the illusion that one day the flame of love will return. Only the shell of love remains, an empty love.

Empty love is not uncommon. This is a situation faced by many people who have been together for years. The passage of time, routine and misunderstandings in the relationship have made its members not love each other as much as before. The flame of passion has been extinguished and intimacy has been lost.

The bond has been wearing thin, making little by little those who were inveterate in love, now they are more like companions. The members of the couple feel little for each other, although it does not mean that there is no respect.

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Sternberg's triangular theory of love

The idea of ​​empty love comes from the triangular theory of love, proposed by Robert J. Sternberg. This psychologist made important contributions to the understanding of interpersonal and affective relationships, developing a theory about love that continues to have an impact today. Sternberg explained in his model that he proposed love as a pyramid with three vertices, in which each one of them is an essential element to shape love:

1. Passion

Passion refers to physical attraction, excitement and the need to be close to the other person. It includes the entire scope of sexuality but, also, the romantic desire and the need to seek physical and emotional union with the other are found within it.

This passion is very present at the beginning of relationships, and it is usual that it diminishes as time passes.

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2. Privacy

Intimacy is the connection, complicity and trust that exist between the members of the couple. In it we find the feelings of affection and mutual closeness, aspects that make up a solid friendship, at a deeper level than one would have with a friend.

Intimacy makes the two lovers know each other, nurturing trust with each other. This intimacy usually occurs when the relationship is a little more advanced, the passion is stabilized and the people already have a deeper knowledge of each other.

3. Commitment

The third element of the Sternberg model is commitment, which is directly related to the decision to continue in the long-term relationship. It's about the will to keep the bond despite the problems that may arise throughout the relationship, valuing the shared history between the members of the couple and with the desire to achieve their life project in common.

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Empty love in the triangular theory

Now that we have seen the three elements of the Sternberg model, we can understand that it raises the existence of different types of love depending on whether they present one or another certain combination of they.

Depending on these three elements proposed by Sternberg, several combinations can arise that give rise to up to seven types of love, which we see below in a very schematic way

• Affection = intimacy
• Infatuation = passion
• Romantic love = passion + intimacy
• Sociable love = intimacy + commitment
• Fatuous love = passion + commitment
• Consummate love = passion + intimacy + commitment

In the case of the seventh, which is empty love, there is the will to continue the relationship but there is neither complicity nor sexual or romantic desire. In other words, there is commitment, but there is neither passion nor intimacy.

This type of love is typical of relationships of convenience or interested, whose members do not knew before the union and have barely had time to arouse passion and establish certain privacy. It is also common for it to arise in couples with a long history of life and who have not known manage the passage of time very well nor have they gotten to know each other more thoroughly despite taking so long together.

In the case of couples who previously had passion and intimacy, instead of stabilizing the first and acquire more of the second, what happens is that sexual desire and confidence run out losing. Only the commitment has remained, evidenced by the mere fact that you do not want to end the relationship because you prefer to live in a hollow but stable relationship.

On many occasions, the relationship is continued because, if they are married with children, the divorce papers and the fight for the custody of the children is something that they are not willing to go through.

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Regaining the consummate love

Many couples find themselves going through a phase in which there is empty love, just the opposite of what Sternberg referred to when in the relationship there is not only commitment, but also passion and intimacy: love accomplished.

Commitment is a very important part of every relationship, essential for the couple to last because, without it, the relationship may not survive the passage of time. Passion and intimacy, without commitment, can be found in relationships as intense as summer love affairs, very romantic and also very brief love affairs.

Fortunately for those who are immersed in a relationship with empty love, there is a solution to this problem.. It is possible to work on various areas of the couple so that empty love is a consummate one, recovering lost passion and intimacy. For this, first of all, it is necessary to address those areas that usually lead to empty love, which they are.

• Loss of physical appearance that makes the partner less attractive
• Excess obligations, routines and commitments that take time away from the relationship
• Little self-disclosure: do not entrust your partner with worries, dreams, wishes ...
• Monotonous and repetitive couple life that takes away the passion
• Stress and anxiety leading to irritability and toxic dynamics
• Taking the relationship for granted and not trying to surprise the partner
• Neglecting details and daily displays of affection

These are the main problems that may have led a relationship to become one where it is defined by empty love. As you can see from these areas we have just seen, most are relatively easy to fix, requiring a bit of effort, time, and motivation to change. Surprising the couple with a romantic date on the wedding anniversary, for their birthday or simply because it is about time is a good first step. And it is never too late to take such a step.