Is living in the past affecting your relationship?

Transfer the pain of the past to the experience of living a relationship It's like living with an intruder in the closet.

Couples come to consultation with feelings of hopelessness when communication is in chaos, conflicts appear by the presence of shouts, fights, threats, blackmail and even silence. Some of the common phrases are:

• "I was taught at home to be like that."
• "You met me this way."
• "In my house things were different from yours."

And it seems that we spend our time justifying ourselves for the lifestyle we had before we met this new person. Then a part of us "supposes" that she should put up with our past. But nevertheless, we stop seeing how to improve in favor of our own life and the life of that person who wants to be by our side.

The root of the problem

It is clear that in the conquest we show our sweet, happy, harmonious and soft side. But in coexistence, we are who we are, there are no more disguises. And the intruder from the past appears, that emotional calculation that has not been eliminated with a scaling in therapy and ends up affecting the relationship. For example:

• If you lived one infidelity, the intruder triggers suspicion and you are possessed by an internal detective.
• If you experienced abuse, when you hear something you don't like, you take it personally and deduce that you are being attacked; Then the beast inside you comes out to defend you.
• If you had a mother, aunt and/or grandmother who did everything for you, including washing your underwear, the "conchudez bug" dominates you, estimating that your partner will replace your family member.
• Or in other cases, if the tendency was to shout or hit to be heard, you revive your jungle tarzan with those primitive acts of combining the use of force with love.

It's laughable, right? Now what?

• You may be interested: "How do you know when to go to couples therapy? 5 compelling reasons"

Guidelines to keep in mind

As a therapist, I advise you not to go from relationship to relationship looking to be put up with. Every time you establish a new relationship and it ends, you need to review the intruder of the past that lives in you to release it, because it dominates your actions, your emotions and makes you be a person that sometimes you can't even stand.

To have a relationship, it is essential to put on the table the things that are functional for both and work to achieve it, regardless of how costly it is to destroy the detective, the beast, the bug or the tarzan

And the news is that you can't always do it alone, you are embarrassed to say that you are going to therapy, and you do not see that it is more painful to think things like:

• "I was not born for love."
• “I am good and nobody values ​​me”.
• "I'm tired of trying and I didn't feel like it."

If you see it, you end up believing that you cannot be loved or that it is better not to love.

Leave the bear, the sorrow, and remove that phenomenon of the mental and emotional child that is affecting your life. Please record this: "No one was born in this life to pamper your intruder from the past." But for sure, you are able to finish it.

If a past hurts, why do we live in the present mending the wound and arrive at a future castrating ourselves with love?

• Every time you deny yourself love, you are punishing yourself, you say you are incapable, you hurt yourself. Despite achieving a great armor, which you strengthen at the point of your fear of confronting yourself.
• Every time you abandon yourself and stop taking care of yourself, you mistreat yourself by defoliating your light, your brightness, your value.
• Every time you go from one person to another, you open up more of a hole in your self-esteem, you feel used, not valued, not loved.
• Every time you think that there is no solution, you have scored the most masterful own goal in history, your thoughts and emotions begin to smell ugly, without realizing it.

We choose a partner according to the self-esteem we have! What then do you deduce from your self esteem?

And we achieve a proper relationship when we are willing to build on what we can do and not on things from the past that we justify not moving forward.

Being in consultation is not a fad or a ballot, it is a wise step towards self-healing. If you're still alive, why not live? If you have the right to live, why keep looking back?

I invite you to contact me