7 keys to building healthy self-esteem in a stable way

On many occasions in our lives we have had difficulties with our self-esteem. It is not a problem of a few, but At some point in our lives, self-esteem weakens..

It can happen within a couple relationship, or more in a breakup, where we feel that our well-being is gone and we cannot control it. It also happens when we feel that we are getting smaller and we don't have the capacity to do what we need to do. But what if what you think is self-esteem isn't, and that's precisely the problem? What does self-esteem depend on? How can you build a healthy self-esteem in a stable way?

Self-esteem is defined as self-love; however, it is a simple definition that often leads us into error. Self-esteem is actually a way of relating to yourself through which a relationship with others and with the world is developed. We build our style of self-esteem throughout our lives, not just in childhood. In turn, a very common problem is that problems with self-esteem are repeated over time. How can we solve it definitively, so that this personal change stays with you in a stable way?

In this article we are going to answer several questions in order to solve the usual confusions we have with self-esteem. First, find out what self-esteem really is. Second, why talking about high or low self-esteem doesn't usually work (and is one of the reasons why you always run into the same problems). Finally, we will see 7 keys or specific changes that can help you build a healthy self-esteem, that really works for you, in a totally stable way (because it is part of you).

The content of this article is based on my work as a psychologist and coach in the last 11 years, in which I have accompanied a multitude of people with problems with their self-esteem in personal and private change processes.

• Related article: "Do you really know what self-esteem is?"

Why high or low self-esteem is part of the problem

People talk about self-esteem on a regular basis. It has happened to you too. You have thought that you had high or low self-esteem, or that you needed to raise it, or that you had lost it, or even that it had been taken away from you. If you realize, self-esteem is related to two factors: 1. your ideas about yourself, about what you can do or your abilities, and 2. your relationship with others (how the actions of others affect your well-being).

Talking about self-esteem is something common that is part of our vocabulary. However, thinking that self-esteem can be high or low, that it can be taken away or lost, that it can up or down, implies that you consider self-esteem an object, a precious asset or a self-esteem that can put off. But self-esteem is not an object, it is not a thing, but a way of doing things. Self-esteem is a system, it is a way of relating to yourself, of seeing yourself, of understanding yourself, of understanding the world and others. Thinking that they can lower or raise your self-esteem or take it away from you leads to the same mistake: leaving too much of your well-being in the hands of external factors that you cannot control.

Considering self-esteem high or low has this risk. It is more useful to consider that your self-esteem simply works for you or not, helps you to be well or not. This leaves the responsibility on you, which nourishes you with possibilities to feel better. And what does your self-esteem depend on? That your well-being depends, at least mainly, on you (on your actions, your way of understanding what is happening, your communication and intentions) and not both of external factors that you cannot control (how the other behaves, what they say, what they do not say, what you think they think, how you feel that they value you, etc.).

Not being able to control all these external factors (such as the behavior of others and especially how we interpret it) we feel more and more frustration, insecurity, anguish and isolation. Hence we feel that we have "bad" self-esteem.

I like to define self-esteem as a mode of "affective stoicism", where we learn to relate to the world in a balanced and positive way, with dedication and trust, and at the same time being aware what your limits are (what you don't want, what you can't, what you can and want, what you can't control, etc.)

Let's see what are the 7 keys to building a healthy self-esteem that works for you in a stable way.

• You may be interested: "Self-concept: what is it and how is it formed?"

The 7 keys for your self-esteem to work with stability

If when you feel that you have problems with your self-esteem you only resort to trying to lift your spirits and value yourself with affective words, perhaps you feel good for a while, but if your well-being continues to depend too much on external factors, self-esteem will "lower" again once plus.

The way to build healthy self-esteem in a stable way is to work deeply with your self-esteem style., which depends on past experiences, previous learning, but also on your belief system, personal values, your way of understanding relationships, and above all how you understand and manage your emotions. To build a self-esteem that works 100% for you, you need to work with these 7 keys.

1. affective independence

Affective independence refers to the capacity that you have (and that perhaps you have been forgetting) to generate your own well-being. Human beings are social and emotional beings, and it is normal for the behavior of others to affect us. But nevertheless, when we fall into too many expectations, demands, comparisons or value judgments, our well-being is too much at the mercy of situations that are beyond our control. Affective independence implies that you generate your own well-being, your self-care, that you proactively seek actions, tasks or situations that make you feel good, that challenge what you usually believe about yourself, without rejecting or despising the other, but creating well-being by your own means without waiting for external rewards (which if they come later, better than better).

• Related article: "What is emotional intelligence?"

2. emotion management

You may have noticed something: at all times we have been talking about emotions. Fear, insecurity, frustration, guilt, anguish, the dreaded anxiety, discouragement. Self-esteem is intimately related to your emotions. But your emotions are not the problem, since all of them are useful and necessary in their fair degree. The important thing is to learn to understand and manage them, a human skill that we need but have forgotten.

3. Your view on relationships

Your way of seeing relationships or approaching them determines them. If we approach a relationship as a context to feel safe or protected, we may end up feeling even more insecure.. A relationship is a free experience where we share well-being from affective independence. Discovering what your vision of relationships is and deepening it is key to improving your self-esteem.

• You may be interested: "The 6 types of social skills, and what they are for"

4. self knowledge

Knowing yourself in depth is an inevitable result when living a process of change. What values ​​do you have? How does your belief system work? What do you interpret about the world and others? Only from your own change and self-knowledge, what surrounds you will change, because you see it differently.

• Related article: "Self-knowledge: definition and 8 tips to improve it"

5. Communication

Your way of communicating directly affects your style of self-esteem. If your communication is opaque instead of assertive, you transmit insecurity and fear. Assertive and empathetic communication helps you get to know yourself, establish limits and connect better with the other.

6. constancy and time

Applying different actions with perseverance and time is an essential factor and the one that most people tend to skip over. How long did it take you to learn to walk, talk, or drive a bike or a car? Learning always comes after perseverance and time. When we want something we must do it consistently and have patience. No profound change happens overnight. (and whoever sells you that, he is dangerously mocking you). We must do the work. It is the most necessary and the most beneficial for you.

• You may be interested: "Types of motivation: the 8 motivational sources"

7. expert company

An expert company that does not judge you, guide you, give you advice or guide you, but accompanies you in a clean way in a process where you can discover how you build your self-esteem, how it can be different, what we can do differently, and sustain it over time. For this reason the company of a professional helps you to see your situation with more perspective and security (when we do everything alone we are left with our fears and insecurities too).

Now, transforming your self-esteem, making it work and being stable is a decision that you make and that remains over time if you live the process. If you want me to help you, Human Empowerment you can find an option to schedule a first session with me. In that session we will be able to get to know each other, explore your situation, discover what the original problem is, find a solution, and above all, see how you can experience your process so that it works 100%.

I send you a lot of encouragement, illusion and commitment.