How is anger control enhanced in couples therapy?

Not having the necessary skills to correctly channel anger can make personal relationships very unstable and often become a source of discomfort. If we also focus specifically on relationships, the type of problems that can arise in them are even more intense.

Fortunately, many times dating or marriage crises triggered by the ability to manage anger can be overcome through psychological support. In this article I will talk about it, that is, about Strategies used in couples therapy to address problems due to poor anger regulation.

• Related article: "How do you know when to go to couples therapy? 5 compelling reasons"

What relationship problems can lead to poor anger management?

Even in cases where poor channeling of anger does not translate into direct physical or verbal attacks towards the other person (which would constitute abuse, especially serious in the context of relationships of couple), not knowing how to properly handle this emotion can damage both the relationship itself and the mental health of the individuals involved

. In this sense, the main sources of discomfort caused by the lack of ability to manage anger are the following:

• Tendency not to talk about problems to avoid arguments.

• Conflicts that begin in courtship or marriage and extend to the rest of the family.

• Fear of abandonment and dynamics of emotional dependence.

• Distrust and concealment of personal information so as not to expose "weak points" by anticipating frequent discussions.

• High exposure to stress.

• Self-esteem problems in those who are frequently criticized.

• Tendency to be ashamed of the other person (because they get angry in front of everyone very easily) and not want to socialize with them because of that.

• Difficulty making plans for the future together due to the instability of the relationship (which leads to more arguments and mistrust).

• You may be interested: "The 8 types of emotions (classification and description)"

What strategies are used in couples therapy to control anger?

In couples therapy, an intervention program adapted to each case is always applied and taking into account the characteristics of the patients, their interests and their role in the problem to be addressed. This is why you never follow an "instruction manual" that offers fixed solutions, but first performs a diagnosis of the problem and then offers tools adapted to the needs of each couple.

In any case, in the following lines you will find a summary of the techniques and strategies frequently used in couples therapy when there are anger management and control problems. In any case, keep in mind that when outbursts of anger occur in the context of abuse, these cases are not accepted by professionals who care for couples and it is necessary to adopt measures as soon as possible to break the relationship and ensure that the victim can be safe.

1. Developing the ability to identify emotions

Many times, the tendency to "explode" with anger in many contexts is due to the fact that the person tends to confuse this emotion with other emotions, feelings or even physiological states; this automatically causes him to adopt a hostile attitude, assuming that she feels this way because she is being the victim of an injustice, because someone is humiliating her, etc.

For this reason, in couples therapy, the Emotional Intelligence of patients is enhanced, helping them to correctly identify their emotional states, and to name them taking into account what happens in that moment.

• Related article: "What is emotional intelligence?"

2. Development of assertiveness strategies

It is also very common for couple arguments to arise very often because one of the people, the one who does not regulate anger well, does not know of any strategy to express their discomfort in a constructive way or to defend their interests in case these have not been taken into account. Reacting with anger and direct exposure and without considering the consequences side effects of this is the "crude" and "easiest" way to let others know that there is something they don't we like.

For this reason, in couples therapy, people are trained in forms of assertive communication, so that they can communicate what does not seem right to them. also taking into account the other person's point of view and interests, while ensuring that this does not create a key confrontation hostile.

3. Use of relaxation techniques

When we accumulate too much stress inside us, we are more predisposed to be irritable and have little patience. in the face of unforeseen events or misunderstandings with others. For this reason, psychologists teach relaxation techniques to do a mental “reset” and lower the activity levels of the brain. nervous system, through resources such as meditation, controlled breathing or muscle relaxation progressive.

• Related article: "6 easy relaxation techniques to combat stress"

4. Training in scheduled and turn-based communication

Another way to address couple problems due to poor anger control is to train people in argument management guidelines, making them internalize a structure and certain rhythms and turns when speaking, and establishing a context in which both people recognize the moments in which the other is using that technique and collaborate with it. In this way very frustrating situations are avoided in which both want to talk at the same time and end up shouting and not listening to the other.

5. Establish healthy lifestyle habits

If the person who usually feels angry leads a healthy life (sleeping enough, taking care of her hygiene, eating well, etc.), you will feel better in your day to day and your levels of irritability will decrease for it, making it easier for you to be patient with or feel "overwhelmed" by multiple sources of discomfort at once.

• You may be interested: "How to generate new healthy habits?"

6. Explore the cause of a reason for recurring arguments

Finally, it is also possible to explore the possibility that in this relationship there is a problem part that brings up arguments again and again and makes one or both people predisposed to argue using all kinds of excuses.

Are you looking for psychological assistance for couples?

If you are interested in having couples therapy services, contact me.

My name is Thomas Saint Cecilia, I am a psychologist, and I attend both individuals and couples, working from the cognitive-behavioral intervention model. The sessions can be carried out both in person at my office in Madrid and online via video call.