How to explain to a child the absence of his father?

Many boys and girls live in families where their father is absent. Although this does not mean that the family is less efficient, nurturing and loving than a traditional family, the truth is that it does not having the father in the family nucleus can raise many unknowns for the little ones, questions that they want to be answered answered.

Whether his father is starting another family, it is not known where he is, passed away or totally showed disinterested in the upbringing of the little one, it is necessary that his son or daughter knows it, and it is explained to him of the better way.

Knowing how to explain to a child the absence of her father is not an easy task, and requires great delicacy but telling the truth because, after all, they have the right to know what their origins are. Let's find out how.

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How to explain to a child why her father is not in the family?

When we talk about family, the first idea that comes to mind is the so-called traditional family: a father, a mother and one or more children. Despite the fact that this is the prototypical idea of ​​what a family is, it does not correspond to all of them. Over the decades, society has become more aware that

There are other family models that, as long as they meet the needs of the little ones and give them love, are as good as the traditional ones..

Among the most common types of family is the single parent or, better said, single mother. Many families are made up only of the mother and her children, with the father being partially or completely absent in the lives of the little ones. This absence can become very painful for boys and girls because the absence of a father who they know has to exist and live somewhere can have a very negative influence on their growth process if they are not explained why.

That the father is absent can be due to several reasons. One of them is the unfortunate situation in which the father died, leaving the mother a widow. Others, on the other hand, the father is still alive and kicking, but he ignores his own children, has formed his own family or the mother does not know who the real father is. The father may have impregnated the mother and, as soon as he knew it, fled in fear, feeling that he was not ready to raise a child.

We want to emphasize that a father and a mother are not needed to have a correct child development. Scientific experience has shown that alternative family nuclei to the traditional family can be equally beneficial for the child's development. The important thing is not the number of parents you have, but the quality of your relationships with the little ones.

However, and especially in single-parent families (both without a mother and without a father), it is normal for the boy or girl wonders why her classmates have a mom and a dad and they only have one. In the case of single mothers, the question "what happened to dad?" will inevitably arise. Being a mother, it is very important to know how to communicate this situation to the little ones, because they have every right to know what happened to his biological father and what were the reasons why he is not present at his lifetime.

Telling the little ones is not easy, but it is necessary. They cannot live in complete ignorance about the whereabouts of someone as important as their father. Whatever that man did, it is still 50% of the origin of the creature. The boy or girl has every right to know what their origin is, they have the right to know what happened. You have to know when the time is right, how to explain it.

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Tips to explain that his father is not

The nature of children is characterized by curiosity. On their way to discover and understand the world, the little ones ask all kinds of questions, questions to which they want to receive answers as soon as possible. As we said, the day will come when, seeing that the other schoolmates have a father and a mother, they will wonder why their family is not like the others. "Where is dad?" and other similar questions will begin to leave your lips. What to answer?

Answering this question requires adapting the answer to your age, giving the necessary details so that they understand the situation but according to their own degree of understanding. If the little one is still in preschool age, we must avoid unnecessary details about the relationship with his father since they will probably not understand it. Instead, it can be explained to them that children can live in different types of families and that sometimes in some lack a father or a mother, but that in all of them there can be the same love as in families with fathers and mothers.

It is essential to be aware that the information given to children about who their father was will influence the construction of their personal history, their self-concept and self-esteem. For this reason, it is very important to provide him with all the necessary information about his father, such as knowing what he was like physically, what he liked, his personality traits and other characteristics that will allow the child to imagine what his father was like, conceiving a more real idea of ​​the same.

It is very important to tell them stories that are true, not to lie to them about the subject, because that will generate insecurity. However, you must also select what aspects of that truth you want to convey. There are details that are unnecessary, and the truth must be nuanced and positive because, if he is still too small, some negative data will not fit. Already in adolescence more serious aspects could be introduced, but always explained in code neutral, such as if he had a mental disorder, was not a good father or treated the mother abusively.

It is very important not to generate false expectations in children. If as mothers we are not sure if the father of our child is going to reappear in her life, we cannot say things like “he is going to come to see you one day”, trusting that the little one will forget and drop the subject. Phrases like that, the only thing it does is increase the illusion and the desire for something that surely will not happen, breaking his heart. Neither does the excuse of "your father is an astronaut" or "he is on a long trip". Realistic expectations must be conveyed, without a negative emotional charge, such as, for example, “your dad can't come”.

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How to explain to the little one that we are single mothers

In this specific section, we will talk about the case of single-parent families arising from adoption or artificial insemination. They are very particular cases because here, as the mother does not know who the father was, if the little one asks about her origins, she will not be able to answer his question "Who is my father?" The father is still alive, surely, but his whereabouts are unknown. Because they don't know each other, they don't even know who he is. To explain it to him, simple and sensible words should be used.

You can talk to them a little about what adoption or artificial insemination is, but with great care and adapting the topic to their age. At very young ages, talking about adoption as what comes after being abandoned should be avoided., nor raise the possibility that his biological parents did not want him. It is better to explain that there are mothers who go to places to get a child in places where other people left their children so that they have a better future.

If the child has been had by artificial insemination, it can be explained that the mother wanted to have a child but she could not. So, since she couldn't find the best possible father, she decided to ask doctors for help, who helped her get pregnant and bring the little one into the world. As he understands a little better how the human conception works, the child can be explained that he has a biological father, but that her mother does not know him, but thanks to her donation she was able to have the small.

In this situation, it is essential to make the child understand that he is a loved person, that the mother felt prepared to raise him and therefore she requested artificial insemination, and that his mother and the little one form the perfect team to be happy and that they do not need more people during this process. Naturally, if the mother has a partner in the future, male or female, as long as she helps raise the little one, she is welcome.

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How to explain to him that his father has another family

Stepfamilies are very common. These are made up of couples whose members have children from previous relationships. Sometimes it happens that a father divorces his first wife, with whom he had children, and forms a new one, disregarding or having little involvement in his first family. It is an especially difficult situation for the little ones from the previous relationship because they see that their father invests time, resources and love in another family, despite having a previous one. "Why doesn't dad pay as much attention to me as he does to my other siblings?" “Am I a least loved son?” "What have I done wrong that my dad doesn't love me?"

Each person has to make their way. After a divorce, even if it is painful, both the father and the mother have all the right in the world to meet new people, create new families and enjoy a new life. Ideally, when rebuilding their lives, they don't forget that they have children from previous relationships, but sadly it happens that the parent who is no longer part of the child's core family, by creating his own family, will inevitably pay more attention to this new.

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How to tell a boy or girl that his father is not his biological father

You don't have to be the biological father to be a good father. However, there will come a time when the boy or girl must know the whole truth, that the man her mother is dating is not her biological father. Regardless of her relationship with him, the boy or girl has every right to know that her father is not her biological father, although not less of a father in educational and affective terms. Hiding this reality from him for too long is counterproductive, and will only add to his confusion.

It's totally natural for moms and stepdads to be afraid to engage in this conversation., but the little boy deserves and should know the truth about his origins. They must be honest with the child, because not doing so will cause more harm than good, and no good mother wants that for her children. The couple can be of great help during this process because, if they have already been like a father to the little one, will be able to show him how he feels about the child and that, despite not being his biological father, he considers him a child. Parenting does not understand genetics or physical similarities.

Experts consider that children should be informed as soon as possible, but considering his age. Between 6 and 8 years they could begin to understand the situation, so delaying this conversation until adolescence could generate deep conflicts, discussions, reproaches. The young man would live it as if he had been living a lie most of his life, and he could come to hold such a grudge against both her mother and her stepfather that it could even affect her own couple.