Sandra Bernal: "Emotional dependence is an obsessive bond"

The idea that relationships should be based on what we know as "romantic love" is something that for decades been taken for granted, but which, in many ways, can make it difficult to detect certain patterns of behavior harmful. For example, those that induce people to constantly sacrifice themselves for someone, without considering the consequences or triggers of this way of thinking.

And it is that many couple relationships end up entering into toxic dynamics that lead to emotional dependence, generating a context in which it is easy for our mental health to deteriorate rapidly. To talk about this type of couple problems, we have interviewed the psychologist Sandra Bernal, who through her work has dealt with this kind of phenomenon.

• Related article: "How do you know when to go to couples therapy? 5 compelling reasons"

Interview with Sandra Bernal: How does emotional dependence affect us in relationships?

Sandra Bernal Mora is a psychologist specialized in caring for adults both in her Valencia consultation and through online therapy

. In addition to working in the field of psychotherapy, she is a trainer and frequently participates in the media such as Cadena SER as a collaborator. In this interview he talks about the problematic dynamics in couple relationships linked to emotional dependence.

What exactly does emotional dependence consist of and in what kind of relationships does it usually occur?

We understand by emotional dependency an obsessive emotional attachment to the partner, in which there is an excessive need for affection from the other person. The dependency is always affective and not of another type, being the person totally independent of the couple in other aspects.

It is easy for this type of dependency to occur in couple relationships that are quite unbalanced, where there are often abuse also, although it is very subtle and psychological and, for this reason, is not perceived by the partner or by the around.

Beyond its effects on affective relationships, what are the main psychological effects of emotional dependence at the individual level?

We found that people who suffer from this dependency often notice how the relationship consumes a lot of time in their lives, being the center of their thoughts.

In addition, in their day to day there is a hypervigilance to all the details that can go wrong, or do not fit with what the person thinks they "should" be and a marked fear of rupture.

On the other hand, these people are usually very sensitive to everything the partner does or says, appearing a lot of emotional instability. It is common for them to show feelings of low self-esteem and guilt for "doing things wrong", which feeds the fear of abandonment.

In addition, the person needs constant feedback that everything is going well in the couple, and the absence of these signals can be interpreted as something going wrong. And he clings to the belief that the breakup would be horrible.

Is it hard to be aware that we have developed emotional dependence on someone?

It is quite common to find that people with dependency have the doubt "is it me or is it my partner?", that is, in many cases the person is not aware of having developed the problem.

The person alternates thoughts between what they consider their partner to be doing wrong, or that their partner is very inconsiderate, and blaming themselves for being too “intense” or “unbearable”.

In therapy, what are the phases that the psychotherapeutic process usually goes through when helping people with emotional dependency?

Emotional dependency therapy has different components that need to be addressed. In the first place, it is necessary to see the point in which the person is, her perspective about the problem she has and understand what is happening to her. It works from the present, but understanding and taking into account its origin.

It is necessary to work on different aspects, such as the interpersonal area and their way of relating to others: learned patterns of behavior, the dynamics that are generated between people, the establishment of limits...

It is also very important to work on the affective component: the state of mind, the anxiety that you may suffer from and the fears that the person has to achieve an emotional stability that is lacking, in addition to working self-esteem.

Are people who have experienced emotional dependence in a couple relationship more likely to experience it again in the following love relationships?

You may come across people who have only manifested this in one of their relationships. However, it is common to find people in the consultation who comment that in most of their relationships they have suffered from it.

A repeated history of affective failures, having had affective deficiencies in childhood and many other things, can make a person tends to increase all the beliefs and behaviors typical of emotional dependence that end up being transferred to later relations.

In addition to offering psychological therapy, you have also developed an online course on emotional dependency for the general public. What are the main learnings on which it is based?

It is an online course focused on helping people who are suffering from the problem through short and entertaining videos, as well as exercises and tests. Have the information always with you and be able to access it from any device and at any time It is very useful, since these people often need to remember and take perspective of the situations they are in. living.

The course is divided into thematic blocks where different learning can be acquired. In the first of them, everything that happens in these relationships is analyzed, basic doubts are resolved (is it my partner or is it me?), and the phases that the relationship goes through are explained. relationship, what happens to the person who has the dependency... Which is tremendously important, since many times it is difficult to be objective when we are immersed in this trouble.

The second block talks about the origin of dependency: attachment styles, parenting parents, how our previous relationships and relationships with others have been able to influence us people.

The third block has to do with self-esteem: with how the person can tend to value himself through the other, the need to feel special or the feeling of constant abandonment.

In the last block we can find the necessary tools to manage the inconveniences that we find in our day to day because of the emotional dependency: communication, working with the fears and beliefs that limit us, asking if a break is necessary, discovering our Pattern…

The course is hosted on the web and is accessed through unlimited user passwords. All this allows to have more knowledge and tools to face the problem, while working in a simple and pleasant way.