Who have you given your power to?

Self-confidence is elusive. There are areas in which we feel stronger and others in which we feel so insecure that it impacts the perception we have of ourselves.

We are usually good at many tasks, but our minds do not stop to celebrate that, but instead highlight those experiences where we feel that the ground opens up under our feet.

The mind works like this by default. This He doesn't care how we feel, just that we're safe. Too bad that this makes us carry an internal sorrow that is very difficult to overcome because our lack of self-confidence makes us feel broken, insufficient, lacking and scared. How can we claim our worth when we feel this way?

• Related article: "Self-concept: what is it and how is it formed?"

Regain self-confidence

The first thing I want to tell you is that there is a lot of light at the end of the tunnel, and I know it because I was there. My awakening began when I realized that I had been stuck looking for an exit door, but that the walls around me were actually made of cardboard. With the appropriate professional help, I was encouraged to kick them and write my story just the way I wanted it. We are going to take layer upon layer until we get to the heart of this matter.

The first layer: the gaze of the other

From a young age we learn to externalize how much we are worth. We desperately seek the approval of our parents, peers, teachers, and the culture in which we are immersed.

This gives us a great anxiety, because if our value depends on what the other says and not on our appreciation, we are giving him what most valuable thing we have to others: our security, our discernment, and our faith in ourselves themselves.

Think of all the times you had to make a decision and you consulted it endlessly with your family and friends because you subconsciously thought they had the right answer, but they didn't. your.

Think about the number of times you did what you were told to do or did what was expected of you.

This is nothing more than the reflection of having given your trust and power to those around you. Without knowing it, you disconnected from your own source of wisdom. Living like this is exhausting because you contort yourself in a thousand directions out of sheer conformity to your surroundings. They say that the way out is always inside; pity that we often forget it and look for it outside.

• You may be interested: "Self-knowledge: definition and 8 tips to improve it"

The second layer: perfectionism and control

If we remove this first layer, we find another very delicate one, which are our perfectionist tendencies. This is related to the above because there is a belief that there is a stick to which we must reach and that ensures that we can be pristine at all levels: personal, family, academic, and professional.

In my work with my clients, I listen carefully to how they tell me that they work hard not to fail, to avoid making mistakes, so as not to lose what they have, and so that others do not take them down esteem. They do it with the illusion of controlling the things they undertake and their consequences. This reminds me of hamsters on their wheel, running but not getting anywhere.

That internal dialogue hides an important scarcity mentality: I do it for fear of losing, "I kill myself in what I do so that what I have doesn't fall." Actually, the answer lies in doing because it benefits me, because I enjoy it, and because I celebrate who I am and where I'm going. Mindset is abundant when I know that no matter what happens, my resolving powers will carry me through.

I will fall and get up with my new learning. Spot. What's more, yes we get rid of the pressure exerted by the gaze of others, it will be even easier to grasp what we want, where we need to go, and what to do.

• Related article: "Personal Development: 5 reasons for self-reflection"

Internal dialogue and the art of listening

Ask yourself: When did I lose my inner compass? Who did I give it to? What does my scared self need? If my most lucid Self spoke to me, what would it say?

Maybe you hear that you need to pause, maybe you need to be more self-compassionate, maybe you need to quiet down, or maybe you need to establish healthy limits, among so many other responses. Pay attention and take back your power.

Maintain an internal dialogue with your lights and your shadows. For this, embrace yourself human, start by calming down, and do what most nourishes your soul. That is the beginning of living from the inside out.

Something I often invite my clients to do is ask themselves: What would I say to the person I love the most in the world if they were in my place?

As an example, I invite you to a conversation with a client who told me that he could not give more than himself, but that he could not stop, and that in his work they knew that he always managed to everything. When I asked him "if this anxiety was your best ally, what would you say?", His response was blunt: "stop, you're going to crash, this is inhumane, go ahead and delegate".

The third layer: the stories we tell ourselves

If we take out another layer on this topic, we find all kinds of stories we tell ourselves that weaken and limit us. How many times do we believe that by doing, accumulating achievements, and giving everything impeccably, we are going to "pass the test of life"? And this is not for you to be tormented, blamed, or ashamed of. Instead, be thankful for the range of emotions that arise from this inner work and use that information to illuminate the places you need to heal.

In every layer you remove, learn and build your confidence. Remember that life cannot be controlled because it always brings surprises, it is unpredictable. Do your best and trust that you will know what to do when a setback occurs.

Finally, praise your emotions and spirit because they can live in a process of constant growth. One day at a time, encourage yourself to take those steps in the direction of your re-empowerment. Above all, seek to have the best possible relationship with the most important person in your life: you.