Lina Fernanda Tamayo: «Silence is also a way of communicating»

Relationships are always complicated, and that is why when we get involved in one of them, it is easy that little by little we give step to patterns of communication, interaction and coexistence that harm us and that, at the same time, we are not fully aware of it, or why we suffer

Fortunately, for decades, Psychology has been developing research and intervention strategies in couple therapy to help with these types of problems. We will talk about this with today's interviewee, the psychologist and coach Lina Fernanda Tamayo, who deals with this type of situation in her day-to-day life as a professional.

• Related article: "How does couple therapy work with communication problems?"

Interview with Lina Fernanda Tamayo: the emotionally healthy bond in the relationship

Lina Fernanda Tamayo Gómez is a psychologist and coach with a practice in the city of Envigado, where she serves individual patients, families and couples. In this interview she talks to us about healthy relationship dynamics in the realm of couple relationships.

What are the myths and preconceived ideas about relationships that seem most harmful to society?

First of all, the simple concept of “couple”. We did not come specifically to be the partner of anyone other than ourselves.

Duality is a very complex concept, and precisely culture has sold us the idea that the call is to be couple, and from that logic we choose, without conscience and in a way far removed from responsibility, a partner of lifetime.

Being a couple implies being on a par, and that necessarily leads you to occupy a level of consciousness in mutual and coordinated harmony. Today from a reductionist and short-term idea coming from the environment, we choose couples that are easy to recycle, because we take little or no care of ourselves. Choosing through the banality of the ego, we end up in Transactional relationships; and so thinking of a healthy bond is unrealistic.

We pair up from our fears, waiting for the other to come and solve for us what we don't take care of. We bond from the illusion and believe that being in love means "love", when it is nothing more than a trap of the Ego that makes you feel special, with a high injection of dopamine which is nothing more than a chemical reaction in the brain that also has an expiration date.

We relate superficially, we choose the other from our emptiness, we are afraid to build a true relationship with ourselves and we need to distract ourselves by stripping away a bond of partner. Being a couple and building healthy relationships requires a lot of courage, consideration and, above all, compassion.

What communication skills do you think are most important when it comes to maintaining a good relationship?

All. Communication in its closest, open, assertive, inclusive, sensitive, conciliatory, timely, respectful state, with the ability to set limits from the love, compassionate, and far from being a punishing and judgmental narrative.

The communication it is in effect the base that integrates the connection of two people who have responsibly chosen each other. It facilitates the management of emotions in relational terms and enables healthy growth and consecration of the bond, or he will mount the tombstone of "happily ever after" in the shortest time possible.

If we do not communicate we will not be able to reconcile and generate the agreements that call us to evolve. Silence is also a way of communicating, and indeed it also communicates a body's need to listen. Being in this tune is not bad, understand silence from the call of the soul to take a trip to the interior, which in the end will give you elements for a healthy conversation.

Toxic silence occurs when we choose to load and swallow and continue to load all that discomfort and store it in our bodies, a situation that becomes a real ticking time bomb. The art of communicating develops; communication gives great power as individuals, couples and societies. It makes us guarantors of rights and of communicating what we want and marks the safe limit of "No".

What is the way in which the other person is supported in relationships without entering into a dynamic of constant sacrifice and self-destructive behavior? How do you find that red line that must not be crossed to maintain the balance between love and respect for the other and for oneself?

Awareness. That is why it is very important before embarking on life as a couple, be very clear about the purpose of your being, From an individual logic, what are your limits and what are those non-negotiables that make up the love towards you. Here the culture comes back and makes noise, since they have sold us the idea that a relationship is synonymous with sacrifice, fight and especially when there are some children, company, and many interests in common, the call is made to maintain the bond at any cost place.

When you are a couple, there is no domination. Being a couple implies pairs in balance and evolution; if one of the two does not honor this and is the one who chooses resignations, or, on the contrary, is the one who submits, any of the logics of domination, then they will go into imbalance, and the synchrony of the couple. And in this sense the conversation should be with myself, to what extent am I capable of sustaining an unsustainable bond.

A healthy couple bond does not require resignations, there are agreements that will never blur the essence of the other. The problem lies in part in the way we relate, from the Ego that conditions. I love you but if you change this and that. I love you, but you can't do this and that... That love that conditions is not love of the soul, it is love of the Ego and is equivalent to not knowing how to love.

From your point of view as a psychologist, what are the best strategies to deal with couple arguments?

healthy communication. We do not have to like everything, nor do we have to fall into the desirable "shoulds" or the fictitious empathy. There will always be discussions and turning points, but nothing that the holistic perspective of a conversation won't resolve.

It is key that these conversations are carried out in a neutral way, where the meeting is articulated by love and not by the Ego, because this second guest does not have a kind look, and, on the contrary, judges, punishes and blurs the other, manipulates and drag.

The couple is your mirror, it is your teacher who is capable of enhancing all your light or all your shadow in you. Make sure you choose a partner that allows you to light strongly. Respecting the limits of the other facilitates and allows the development of a healthy bond. More than a strategy, it is to reach agreements that work for both of them, and that is always chosen taking care of the other.

How can you work from psychology to help couples who are going through a crisis due to lack of communication?

From love. There is no other way. From the concept of couple. That is why my clinical method in the accompaniment of the couple bond requires an individual exercise where the symbolic of the individual emerges from the perception of oneself.

Communication is an effect when you manage to displace the Ego from your relationships. Building partner projects through purpose, including the inspiration of each one, leads us down a path of integration and understanding where love emerges.

A healthy practice that I recommend to couples is, every night before going to sleep, to create a sacred space where they look into each other's eyes and give each other a couple of words. It is a practice that connects you, that raises the consciousness of the couple and that integrates the bond.