What is the wounded child and how healing it transforms your life

the wounded child It is a term that has been heard more frequently lately, it is also known as inner child or emotional wounds.

Surely you have heard at some point about this concept. Here I want to talk more about what it is about and why it is so significant for everyone to address this issue at some point in their life.

• Related article: "Emotional wounds: what are they and how do they affect us?"

The rise of the wounded child

The wounded child is primarily a metaphor for our negative childhood experiences.. You can remember your childhood and adolescence as a time when you still did not understand many things that were happening around you.

Why do mom and dad fight so much? Why don't mom and dad live together? What do I do when mom cries or when she screams? How do I make them see my effort? Why does my dad never smile at me, what am I doing wrong?

These can be exemplary questions that a school-age child asks on a daily basis., before the situations that he observes in his home. Something that many people do not know about this age is that children, unconsciously, also answer these questions and often give explanations; many times, assuming responsibility themselves.

That is, they always think that the problems are related to something they do wrong, or they think they should do something to improve the situation.

So, when faced with a question like "why doesn't dad live with us?", the child can answer it saying: Dad has more important things to do and I'm not important enough to take away too much time. Or, when mom and dad put a lot of importance on school performance and the child wonders "how do I get to be seen by mom and dad?", then you answer this question by unconsciously saying something like "I must try harder, I must always show good grades for receive love."

The questions that children ask themselves mostly try to ensure their bond with their parents (or primary care figures). For a child it is vital to know that mom and dad are close and that they receive and accept them, because that guarantees their survival.

It is an instinctive need that all human beings have at the beginning of life, we need guarantee our survival and that, being small, we do by ensuring that our caregivers be close. Each child will seek his own strategies and following his own childish logic to do so. But with this logic he can go against himself, being very severe with himself, for example, and thus leaves wounds.

• You may be interested: "The 6 Characteristics of Childhood Traumas"

The constructed beliefs of the wounded child

You have also built beliefs in your childhood, beliefs about yourself (I'm good, bad, restless, silly...), about other people (mom gets irritated, you have to take care of dad's health), about relationships (when I talk a lot I annoy them, you have to make them laugh…), about the world (there are many dangers outside) and about the future (the future is uncertain, I must ensure my future).

These beliefs or logics gave you a very important guide, and you thought that if you follow these “rules” and act according to them, you will be safe and you will receive love and acceptance.

Each child had different experiences and according to his experiences, he built his own beliefs and established a concept about himself, others and the world. So the wounded child represents the beliefs and negative self-image that you have built in your childhood. They are your wounds because they represent negative beliefs about yourself and your fears, for example:

• I don't do enough.
• I am inadequate.
• I'm worth nothing.
• I am ugly. I am too fat or I am too skinny
• I am a burden, I am unwanted.
• I can not do anything.
• I can not trust anyone.
• It's my fault.
• I must be calm, I must be obedient.
• The world is unfair.
• etc.

How the child is convinced of these beliefs and in his thinking threaten their security of receiving love and protectionHe does his best to combat it.

For example, if you fear that you are a burden or a burden to your parents, you do your best not to be a burden: You don't talk about your problems, you do not demand anything for yourself, you try to be as light as possible for your parents and then also for other persons.

• Related article: "6 limiting beliefs, and how they harm us on a daily basis"

Why does your wounded child show up in your adult life?

Now, why is that relevant to you, who are surely already an adult, today you understand much more about the world and you can give yourself more accurate explanations about the problems that surround you?

You think that, by moving on to adult life and having destiny in your hands, you are no longer a child and it is not worth thinking too much about the past, because what is done is done and cannot be changed.

Nevertheless, childhood has left its traces, and the past is not so easily buried. From the moment your life begins, you begin to write down stories and the beliefs you have acquired about yourself in childhood, you carry them in adult life the same, because they have also worked for you in many aspects.

If we look at the example of a child who grew up with mom and dad, both very busy (not because they were bad, but obviously out of necessity) and this child learned that "no should bother”, that should let mom and dad do their things, because the family needs are more important than the personal needs of the child. little boy.

Along the way, this child learns to obey, not to ask or ask with great suspicion., to do everything by herself and she takes care not to be one more weight for her parents. The beliefs that he acquires about himself could be: I should not bother, I am not that important, my needs do not count, I better do what they tell me so that nobody bothers.

Those beliefs carry over into adult life and are reflected in your relationships, at work, and in your life. position to face the challenges of life, always under the motto: I should not bother, I better make myself say etc

Perhaps another child in the same situation gets upset, has tantrums, gets into a lot of mischief to seek attention from mom and dad (here it depends a lot on the temperament of each child). child) and when he does not receive the attention demanded or ends up scolded, he is left with beliefs such as: "I am not important, I always come last, my voice does not count, I do not they want."

This kid, As an adult, you will surely develop a lot of sensitivity to similar situations.. Let's say his girlfriend forgot to buy her favorite potato chips, even though we asked her to. For most people it would not be a drama, but for this person it resonates with what was happening with mom and dad and the frustration of not being seen and heard infuriates him.

So as an adult you have trigger situations, which connect you directly with childhood situations, when you had a lot of fear, sadness, anger and felt powerless. When you are "triggered", you no longer react from your adult Self, if you do not respond as when you were a child and you were afraid, you get defensive and do what served you as a child to protect yourself (fight, keep quiet, avoid changing the subject, etc.).

You usually recognize your triggers, because they are overreactions to situations that are not worth it, or because you find yourself stuck on a topic, which seen from the outside does not seem so complicated.

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What do you need to do with your injured child?

When you have already identified your childhood wounds (and professional help may be necessary here), this will allow you to treat them differently.

Firstly, it is good to talk to your injured child, treat it from your adult Self as a compassionate father or mother. That is, explain to him (explain to yourself) that the things that happened before were not as much as he thinks.

Going back to the child in the example, being an adult, it could be explained that: although mom and dad worked a lot, that doesn't mean that he always had to keep quiet, but that it would have been better if mom and dad had given him more attention and that he had the right to demand this attention and he has this right too now that he is already adult. You no longer need to be afraid of being a nuisance and it's going to be difficult for you to always keep everyone at ease, so you don't have to worry so much about those things.

In a second moment, knowing the wounds of your inner child helps you catch yourself in your vulnerable moments, that is, these moments when you “exaggerate”, lose control or block yourself, as if you were still a child.

This takes some practice and you will notice it initially, only after it has happened. Perhaps the next day, after a fight, that you don't even understand how it happened and then you recognize that in this time your wounded child was there in action, defending himself from the fear of rejection or feeling abandoned or caught. Over time it becomes more evident and you manage to prevent these moments in the best of cases. It's a bit like when you're in a 3D movie and you take off your glasses to understand that you're just watching a movie, it's about a lot of leaving the territory (where you feel a lot of anxiety) to see the map from the outside and be able to understand that there is nothing fear.

The most important thing for your inner child is that he is cared for with love and compassion. A child is never to blame, it always requires the responsible accompaniment of an adult and you will also learn to accompany your inner child from your adult Self, with compassion and benevolence, so that they can heal their wounds.

• Related article: "Personal Development: 5 reasons for self-reflection"

Why the pity?

We are used to judging ourselves for our mistakes all the time and usually we control and monitor our behavior, so that it is in accordance with the demands of the world in which we live. Self-criticism gives us the security of having things under control and of always being on alert. That works quite well to meet work and academic goals, much more if we use positive or negative reinforcements as rewards and punishments (for example, "I achieved a goal: as a reward I allow myself to eat a chocolate cake", "I did not achieve a goal: as a punishment I talk to myself all week", "it forced me to work harder, I do not allow myself to rest").

At the same time, this surveillance dynamic makes us always focused on external achievements, which predispose our personal value. Only if you do "the right thing" do you deserve love and acceptance, then you are very conditioned and dependent on your performance and how it is recognized. In the long run, this produces a lot of anxiety, it can lead to states of depression, increased irritability, difficulties sleeping and all those symptoms that can already be called mental illnesses of civilization, because almost everyone perceives them to some degree in their life daily.

Introducing a new voice into your life, one that is more compassionate and understanding with you and with others, lowers anxiety and strengthens self-esteem. So it's about being a compassionate mother or father to your inner child and ultimately becoming more of a friend to yourself, rather than your own worst enemy.