How does emotional dependency work and limit our relationships?

Emotional dependency involves an excessive need to maintain a relationship at any cost.

This thought and way of acting, far from benefiting the relationship, harms it, also affecting the state of the dependent individual, since it is usual that it facilitates the appearance of symptoms of stress, depression and anxiety.

In this article We will see how emotional dependence works and is perpetuated and how it limits relationships..

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What do we understand by emotional dependence?

Emotional dependence is a pattern of behavior that affects both the cognitive, affective and behavioral part of the individual. People who suffer from it are individuals who find it difficult to make their own decisions and assume responsibilities, and show an irrational fear of being left by their partner (or the person to whom they have developed an emotional connection), a fact that will mean that they do not act or say what they think for fear that the other person feels bad. They are also people who fear being alone, since they believe that they will not know how to take care of themselves.

In this way, it is common for dependent people to show low self-esteem, which will depend on the other person and not on how one sees oneself, insecurity to act in many areas of their lives, irrational fears linked mostly to the fear of being left or left alone, the need to please, distrust and a feeling of emptiness that they try to fill by having partner .

Emotional dependence is a characteristic feature that appears in different psychological disorders. This pattern is typical to observe, for example, in personality disorders, specifically in the borderline personality disorder, where the individual feels an irrational fear of being abandoned, although the most characteristic disorder that presents this mode of behavior is dependent personality disorder, such as their own name indicates, they show all the attributes mentioned above, such as an unreal fear of being abandoned, of being left alone, of not knowing how to take care of oneself or not being able to take their own decisions.

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How do relationships of emotional dependency work?

Thus, the way of being of dependent people will affect the type of relationship they maintain, thus entering a loop where these types of people seek a specific type of relationship which ends up reinforcing the way of being of the individual dependent. That is, your thoughts are confirmed and you continue to act with the same behavior and presenting the same emotions.

Thus, tend to be people who idealize relationships, who conceive them as romantic relationships, where you must suffer for love, to show that you love the other person. Within the couple each one will assume a role, one being the dominant and the other, the dependent person, will be the submissive, these roles involve peculiar behaviors in each One, in the case of the submissive, he will act as his partner pleases or he will wait for the partner to guide him in his decisions or behaviors, as we have seen, a characteristic feature of submissives. dependents.

Jealousy is also common, as we have said, it is common for this type of person to show insecurities in different areas of their lives. life, especially in relationships, this characteristic added to the excessive fear they have of being left makes it appear in they unsubstantiated thoughts that they are cheating on him and his partner will go with another, becoming these obsessive ideas and repetitive. Similarly, they behave in a controlling manner, constantly asking what the other person is doing or monitoring where and with whom their partner is.

related to jealousy the tendency to constantly think that "he is going to leave me" and the belief that love entails suffering, they also tend to adopt a victimizing behavior, they will believe and allege that they are insufficient, they show low self-esteem, and for this reason they do not receive what is expected or required by the other. It is common to use phrases such as "I am not important enough to you, because if I were you would/would not."

The fear of losing the partner also involves difficulties or fear of communicating what they feel or think, it is common for them not to express what what he really wants, always vigilant of how he can sit with the other person, thus losing the spontaneity of performance. Linked to this problem or lack of communication, there is a difficulty in facing or solving problems, by not transmitting how we really we feel, not saying what we want to say for fear that the relationship will end, does not allow conflicts to be resolved, a fact that will end up having repercussions on the partner.

As we have already seen, it is common for these individuals to associate love with suffering, that is, They believe that to show affection or to be in a relationship you have to suffer and sacrifice yourself continuously. They will understand that loving a person means having a hard time and suffering constant worry, this being the true feeling of being in love. But far from reality, they will only manage to develop a toxic relationship where neither of them will be truly happy.

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How does this phenomenon limit relationships?

Given the intensity or close bond that they create with their partner, they are very hermetic relationships, which tend to isolate themselves from other people, both family and friends, their Life becomes and depends entirely on life as a couple and being alone with him, a fact that, as expected, entails a loss or difficulty in forming new relations. So that, disappear from the social sphere, stop socializing, focusing exclusively on the couple.

Thus, linked to the concept of romantic love, they will also believe in the need to find their better half, that is, they feel incomplete if they are not with someone, showing in the same way a possessive thought, where each member of the couple belongs to the other, dedicating himself, as we have already mentioned, exclusively to the other, prioritizing him above all else and thus behaving in isolation from the rest of the persons.

Another very characteristic aspect is the loss of one's individuality, of you as an independent individual and separate from others. The fear of abandonment, the need to choose and make decisions for one, isolation, focusing only on the couple and forgetting or ignoring their own thoughts, tastes, preferences... involves a loss of their own identity, they focus, worry and act exclusively for the other, even ceasing to look for oneself, always placing oneself in second place and being annulled as a person self-sufficient and autonomous.

For the reasons already given, it will be unthinkable for them to leave someone, since her life depends entirely on that individual and they do not conceive of a life apart from them. They prioritize the couple before any aspect and, therefore, despite not being one hundred percent well or happy, they will never decide to end the relationship.

In this way, all these attitudes, actions or way of understanding relationships will be counterproductive for the relationship to be beneficial. The high degree of dependency that they present with respect to their partner can produce the opposite effect, causing the other person to move away due to the permanent and intense demand that is made of them. In addition, the continuous reproaches and the need for exclusive attention requested by the dependent person can end up developing conflicts and problems that lead to the other member of the couple deciding to break up.

Likewise, the emotionally dependent individual will not be happy or comfortable either, presenting affective maladjustments and high expenditure of energy directed exclusively to the couple, which is related to symptoms of stress, anxiety and depression that can end up leading to a disorder.

In extreme cases, given the characteristics of the dependent person, the tendency to look for a type of partner with dominance traits, which controls her and decides for her and the type of relationship where suffering and sacrifice is normal and usual, can end up leading to a situation of abuse, where the dependent individual, despite being aware and realizing it, does not react or is able to end the relationship.