How to forgive yourself? 4 psychological keys

Some people are quick to forgive someone who has hurt them but, ironically, they are incredibly critical of themselves. They are not able to forgive small mistakes, which they deeply regret and cause great discomfort.

Guilt is a human feeling of great social importance since it allows us to gradually assimilate the ethical and moral code as we grow up, seeing what things are good and what are bad. However, if we are not able to recover after committing a foul, we have a problem.

In this article we are going to see how to forgive yourself, understanding the function of guilt, the phases of forgiveness and the things we can do to achieve self-forgiveness.

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How to forgive yourself? psychological keys

forgive oneself It is essential to enjoy good mental health and inner peace.. It is one of the best gifts we can give ourselves, since it is a source of emotional stability, although, of course, it is not an easy task.

It requires having well-developed aspects such as humility, patience and self-esteem, aspects which are factors closely related to personality that act as protection against psychopathology.

Nobody is perfect. We have all made mistakes at some point, mistakes that are repeated with echo inside our mind, tormenting ourselves about the damage we've done. This, in a certain way, is normal, given that among the gifts available to the human being, in addition to intelligence, there is a good memory, a capacity that is sometimes put against us. This memory, combined with a somewhat masochistic tendency, likes to remind us over and over again of something bad that makes it difficult for us to forgive ourselves.

Is it bad to feel guilty?

The feeling of guilt is a fundamental mechanism in our learning. It is thanks to this emotion that our consciousness is being formed, setting limits on whether our motivations and behaviors are appropriate or not.

According to Erik Erikson, healthy guilt is a feeling that develops towards the age of three, acquiring a very important role. important in our ability to relate to others, acquire socially appropriate behavior and internalize the norms social.

When this emotion is not properly developed, problems arise to internalize the ethical and moral code, given the relational difficulties that this derives from. The absence of healthy guilt is one of the main characteristics of psychopaths. Nor should we go to the other extreme. Feeling guilty about everything and everyone is pathological behavior, a symptom of a serious personality problem, various frustrations and urgent psychological intervention.

What should be clear to us is that feeling guilt is usually a good indicator that we have acted in a wrong way. erroneous, or at least, it gives us the feeling that we have transgressed the ethical and moral norms in some way. way.

It means that we are aware that we must have done something wrong and, feeling guilty, we move to correct our mistakes. We can try to fix things by apologizing or taking other actions to reduce upset and regret.

The problem is when guilt invades us in an extreme way. We feel guilty about things that are already part of the past, letting it haunt us over and over again and entering an infinite loop. It is this vicious circle that does not allow us to fully live our lives., trapping us in the past and not letting us progress.

What does it mean to forgive yourself?

It should be made very clear that forgiving oneself is not synonymous with justifying inappropriate behavior or letting go of feeling remorse. Forgiving yourself implies, first of all, recognizing the negative emotions that a mistake made in the past produces in us and, even so, deciding that they lose strength in our present.

Forgiveness is not a sudden process. It requires quite a bit of progress, especially if the act to forgive is complex. It is quite likely that it will take a few years to completely heal the wounds that we consider serious. On other occasions, either because of the characteristics of the act to forgive or because of how we are in terms of personality, our ability to forgive ourselves will be easier.

It is very important that, in order to forgive ourselves, we change our perspective of the situation experienced. We must give ourselves the permission to move forward and overcome what happened, living in the present, trying to achieve full peace and opening ourselves to a future without pain. It also means overcoming resistance to change, something that is never easy.

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The phases of self-forgiveness

Forgiving ourselves is a complicated process, often more difficult than forgiving others. This process involves the following phases.

1. recognize the truth

The first thing to do is recognize the truth. We need to be honest with ourselves and, if it is true that we have done something wrong, not deceive ourselves. We cannot forgive ourselves if we do not know what to forgive.

2. accept what happened

All action have a reaction. Our wrong actions have negative consequences, which are the real deeds we regret. That bad thing we did has ended up happening that from which our conscience cannot be detached. Taking responsibility for what happened is courageous and we must face what this entails.

3. Contact our emotions

We must get in touch with the deepest emotions that motivated that behavior that we now regret. To know what emotions influenced how we behave, it is essential to look back and ask ourselves questions like:

• Were we angry and did we say something mean to our parents?
• Were we tired and didn't feel like cleaning the house?
• We were sad and razed the fridge?

It is normal that the actions that we later regret have been marked by a high emotional component, mostly negative. We behave in a way that, when we are emotionally stable, we do not.

4. allow ourselves to feel

We are imperfect beings. Sometimes we are happy and sometimes sad, which influences the way we behave. It is this emotionality that endows us with the most important characteristic of our existence, our humanity.

The acceptance of our imperfection, that we can feel a wide repertoire of emotions and that we will not always behave in the best way is a key aspect to being able to forgive ourselves. Self-criticism must give way to compassion towards ourselves.

What can we do?

There are several strategies that we have to forgive ourselves. All of them can help us speed up the process of self-forgiveness.

1. Apologize

It stands to reason that to forgive yourself, it is necessary to apologize to that person we hurt, if that is the case. Apologies must be deep and heartfelt. They must also be without expectations: if we apologize and the other person still feels hurt, it is normal that he still does not dare to give us her forgiveness.

Each one can live the situation and progress at their own pace, and we must accept it. No matter how long or how little it takes to forgive us, the act itself will help us speed up our healing process and, surely, that of the other person as well.

2. Talk about it

Sharing the experience is essential to be aware of what happened and relativize it. Talking about it allows us to discuss it with people who, preferably, should be of our trust.

We can tell a friend who gives us trust and compassion and, perhaps, tells us that he also experienced a similar situation and how he overcame it.

3. go to therapy

Another option, highly recommended, is to go to therapy and talk to a psychologist. This professional will address what we are unable to forgive from a more neutral and impartial, in addition to selecting the most appropriate clinical strategies for the specific situation and treat it.

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4. write a letter of apology

A very useful strategy is to write an apology letter, especially if what we feel bad about is something that we believe cannot be fixed. This is especially recommended for cases in which we cannot talk to the person whom we believe we have harmed., such as a deceased family member or someone with whom we have broken all communication

For example, it is possible that, before our mother died, we had a fight with her. Not having apologized to her in life makes us feel bad and we are not able to forgive ourselves. We can't talk to her, but we can write her letter and apologize, make peace in a symbolic way.

This technique is not only useful with the dead and people with whom we can no longer speak. It can also be done with someone who we can easily start a conversation with. The idea would be the same, only that we will have the option to decide whether or not to deliver the letter to the person whom we believe we have defrauded.

Final reflection

As in forgiveness in general, forgiving oneself is a process that is not easy. It's a long road we'll have our ups and downs, with a marked emotional charge but that, if done well, will help us leave the pain behind.

By forgiving ourselves we free ourselves from the heavy chains of the past and make our present and future something light, happier and more enjoyable, because that is what life is about: being able to to enjoy.

Accepting that we did something wrong, consciously or unconsciously at the time, is a healthy, mature and responsible action. People, unless we have a problem, do not behave in a harmful way towards others because yes: there is always a reason, either because of a negative emotion or because we did not know how to behave best.

It is discovering what we did wrong that makes us grow and avoid making the same mistake in the future. Forgiving ourselves is the step that will lead us to good mental health and inner peace.

Bibliographic references:

• Allemand M, Amberg I, Zimprich D. & Fincham, F.D. (2007). The Role of Trait Forgiveness and Relationship Satisfaction. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, Vol. 26, No. 2, 2007, p. 199 - 217.
• Enright, Robert D.; Fitzgibbons, Richard P. (2015). Forgiveness therapy: An empirical guide for resolving anger and restoring hope.
• Finkel, EJ, Rusbult, C. E., Kumashiro, M., & Hannon, P. AND. (2002). Dealing with betrayal in close relationships: Does commitment promote forgiveness? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 82(6): p. 956 - 974
• Hall, J., & Fincham, F. d (2005). Self-Forgiveness: the Stepchild of Forgiveness Research. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, Vol. 24, No. 5, 2005, p. 621 - 637.