Clear boundaries lead to better life experiences

Many people tend to associate the concept of limits simply with being able to say no.. Over time, for others it has acquired a meaning associated with impoliteness or selfishness.

The truth is that in any type of human relationship and fruitful life experience, a good negotiation between the parties is usually a fundamental element. Contrary to what one might think, Setting boundaries actually allows you to shape a relationship rather than limit it..

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The value of knowing how to set limits

According to the family structural theory of Salvador Minuchin, there are a series of aspects that determine the way in which the different types of human relations are articulated. Among the above are the distribution of hierarchies, alliances or coalitions, triangles, and of course, limits. According to the author, there are at least 3 types of structures if we base ourselves only on their analysis.

The first type are the so-called “disconnected relationships”

. These are defined by having excessively rigid and not very permeable limits between their members, so there are few interactive elements that define them and an excessive defense of the independence of each member. In them it is difficult to find elements that define the relationship as a common project.

The second form is defined as "bonded relationships". They are characterized by having particularly permeable limits, which is why its members find it difficult to express aspects that individualize them. much compared to the others or elements of differentiation: these are usually associated (as mentioned above) with selfishness or fault. According to my experience in consultation, due to certain cultural elements, many families and couples in Latin America meet under these types of limits.

Finally, Minuchin recognizes a third type of functioning, which is known as “clear boundary” relationships. These differ in that they have adequately negotiated minimum agreements for the functioning of the relationship, the possibility of complement projects or visions both common and personal harmonically, in addition to a nurturing acceptance and resolution of conflicts.

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balance is key

A metaphor can help understand what has been explained so far. If we imagine the constitution of human experience and interpersonal relations as the construction of different homes, we can establish that it is necessary that they have walls, windows or a roof.

A home is not a safe or profitable space if, by not having clear boundaries, anyone can enter at all times. Nor is a house that is impossible or very difficult to get in and out of, or allow guests to enter, very useful.

As can be seen, the negotiation and establishment of limits is a very complex aspect, but also its correct resolution can lead to more flexible and free life experiences in our interactions social. Clear boundaries make it possible to build relationships in which the joint enjoyment in the interaction and the development of the individual senses of life can coexist in an excellent way. It might seem that this occurs only at the level of the interpersonal space, but it also has a radical impact on the most individual level of our way of living.

For a person who develops the ability to negotiate clear boundaries with others, it is also likely to be easier and more useful to recognize their own ways of seeing things, emotions, actions and, ultimately, their own affective needs and growth. The above, in simple terms, occurs given that having the clarity of where the perspectives and ways of seeing of one person end and where those of the other begin, you are more likely to be able to recognize what is your own.

All this undoubtedly favors clearer and more fruitful forms of communication. If we are able to recognize what we think, what we feel, how we act and what we need, etc. in a differentiated way with respect to the perspective of others (through setting the aforementioned clear boundaries), we are more likely to know what to ask for, what to accept and what not to accept, what ask and what we are willing to answer, without the above necessarily stressing the loyalties with the person or persons we have at the front.

In short, the establishment of limits is an act of deep respect and is psychologically desirable, since it allows us to respect each other and find ourselves as different people.