This is how emotional wounds influence when choosing a partner

When in adult life we ​​begin the path of secondary socialization, we begin with bond relationships, fellow students, bosses, partners, etc. This is where the wounds that we have not resolved are manifested to a great extent, projecting themselves as a defense mechanism, in the "other" all that without healing.

The scenario in this case will be chaos; in that link we blame, we claim, we ask for changes, we control and in many cases we try to manipulate the person next to us. Great task to review in adult life.

• Related article: "The 5 types of couples therapy"

Emotional wounds that affect the relationship

From the history of our parents and their desire to form a family, it will already be assigned our place in the world, our designated role in the family, and the name it will give us identity.

Birth is going through the first wound: in the maternal womb everything was safe, with protection, oxygen and food, changing the conditions after childbirth, giving rise to our own lifetime.

Begins a series of

needs that will be covered according to the interpretation of what happens by our parents, and thus we will learn that, asking for something, someone will give us what we need.

As we grow, we will build our psyche with everything that has been given to us, such as the system of beliefs, mandates, roles, cultures, encouragement or punishment from our parents or trainers.

Our early childhood, which is our life until we are 3 or 4 years old, will be permeable to incorporate these questions, without being able to reconsider at that age, not knowing what we would like to continue with and what we no longer want to do.

Trouble begins to loom when in the exchange with others we intend that they cover the same needs that our primary family covered. This gives rise to certain demands, conflicts, crises, controls, and guilt projected outwards, projecting onto the "other" what I cannot see and resolve in myself.

We cannot understand that that other also comes with her story and is not there to solve ours, generating a major crisis in the bond.

• You may be interested: "The 6 Characteristics of Childhood Traumas"

Relationship problems due to a clash of roles

This is clearly seen in couples therapy. The anger, the complaint, the need, are deposited in who accompanies us in life; the accusing finger is directed outwards, towards the other, not being able to generate a question from their own, from the depths of each one.

For this reason, in therapy we try to know the history of each member, beyond the conflict generated, since according to that history each one will have a different interpretation of the same situation. Is about evaluate the frightened and fearful inmates who come to the scene in the face of these crises.

As we become aware that the one who is demanding all this is not the adult, but the unhealed child, we begin to look directly at our own wounds, even with fears. Thus, one enters an unknown terrain, and only from that place can the demand be left behind in order to try to establish a dialogue, a listening.

The couple's space aims to abandon the monologue and be able to promote a dialogue, to one assertive communication, where I can talk about myself without demand, accepting that whoever shares the path of my life is not there to solve my pains, nor I theirs. This work of healing childhood wounds will lead to changes in the positions of each one and of the couple itself, little by little can learn to detect when it is not adults who come on stage but fears, and from that experience, talk about it among Both.

• Related article: "9 habits to emotionally connect with someone"

What is a conscious couple?

A conscious couple is one that knows that crises come to teach something, come to create new agreements between the two, with spaces for dialogue, reception and listening. With freedom, with individuality, and projecting an "us" without fear. This allows them to consider from what place they would like to continue, what things they would or would not take from their primary families, and to search between them for a synthesis of what the new format will be.

I invite you to ask yourself what model of partner you have today and what is the one you would like to have. I would like to accompany you on the path of building a couple, healing your childhood wounds so that your company next to someone is one of broad growth and reciprocity.