Looking with clean eyes: the fear of abandonment

People are not always as we see them. Behind everyone there is a story, sometimes more hidden than others.

In the world of the easy, when we do not understand something or someone we leave it aside. Therefore, this article aims to open another door to information, understanding and action on our own well-being and that of others. I am convinced that if we add knowledge, we add empathy, and I think there is no need to justify this thought.

• Related article: "Are you an empath? 10 typical traits of empathic people

Self-knowledge to connect with others and with ourselves

Empathy and consideration for our fellow human beings can allow us to live better, at home, at work, in sports and at leisure. For this to happen we have to know ourselves and not let our sometimes misleading perception confuse us. We treat each other as we think we are, and so we do with others. But to look with clear eyes is to pretend to look with a little magnification.

The fear, like any human emotion, accompanies us throughout life. This means that trying not to feel it is not only a useless task but also an unattainable one. The good news is that it is correct that it be so.

But like everything within our complex mind, what we must be aware of is the quantum of fear that we carry. In other words, if we evaluated it on a scale of 0 to 100, the measurement of 40 to 50 percent would be correct.

This amount of fear is necessary to be able to conduct ourselves in life in such a way that allows us to protect ourselves from the real dangers that surround us.

Nothing new so far, but if we continue to investigate what other emotions usually accompany fear, we can gradually find how this story begins to get complicated.

• You may be interested: "The 8 types of emotions (classification and description)"

Understanding the fear of abandonment

In general, fear is not defined in one way.; we can feel fear for an animal, of a vital crisis, of how we will go through a duel, of the distance of the children in adulthood, of childbirth, of illnesses, or of an exam. We can feel fear in the dark or death, but this deserves a special section for another time.

But there is a fear that walks silently, and it is one of the most difficult to treat because of the way it presents itself. I mean the fear of abandonment.

Its manifestation is strange and apparently contradictory. But if we develop it, we will find it easily, in such a way that we will not only help those who suffer from it, but also those who live with people who suffer from it.

In principle, the first thing to say about this manifestation of fear is that you suffer, and a lot. He hides and is difficult to discover.

The person who suffers from fear of abandonment hardly recognizes it as such; this appears as the result of an incorrect evaluation of their own perception of reality. This does not mean that the person in question has an evaluation of reality that is included within some unusual psychic pathology, but the way it has to evaluate itself is not as successful as should.

A) Yes, what comes to light is a thought and a feeling of not being valuable enough to make others want to be close to them or appreciate their friendship. This causes a cataract of negative self-centered feelings to develop and with time undermine the possibility of building a personality that is not trapped within those sensations.

The sooner we know about this, the better the help we can provide and if we are the ones who accompany them, the easier it will be the task of knowing what to do in a crisis. Understanding how much pain they carry within them will do that we understand the need they have for a kind word, even if it is not generally well received. I say this because telling someone who has that impoverished perception of himself, to trust at the same time how important he is to us, is not an easy task.

They are subjects who need more than anyone to learn to trust, that does not come with them, therefore, the tests that we can give them of our love and the signs of security of our presence will be key to learning to conduct ourselves and favoring the process.

• Related article: "Fear of rejection and abandonment: what it really means and how to manage it"

Giving the right emotional support

It is clear that adequate therapeutic accompaniment is necessary under conscious guidelines and with knowledge of the problem. Know what the path to follow is and treat it with scientific rigor and respect, in addition to managing trust in creating a link of support where work will be done and well-being will be expected to arrive in due time.

Now, it is easy to understand that if we start from the fear of abandonment, the images and experiences we have on the subject were not the most encouraging. We grew up in places where contempt or the feeling of not being present for others was commonplace. That made us think about how unimportant we were to those who were important to us. Not having a place in the other, not being part of, means that today we must turn those feelings of exclusion to the rest of those who accompany us; it is difficult for us to discern that the past only remained in our minds and that is what needs to be healed.

It is that child girl whom we must learn to love. It is our identity today that we must listen to, build and melt to be who I want to be, but first I must necessarily feel the right that I have for that.

Jealousy, possession by others or objects, eating as if it were the end, not being able to drive Those impulses are the result of all these repressed emotions that today are transformed into one, the gonna.

Anger underlies like burning lava, ready to burst forth at the first insult, real or imagined. That pain of abandonment entangled with all unbridled emotions translates into latent hatred to hurt without intention, but without control. It is for this reason that it becomes so difficult understand the mental process of these people, because the expression that manifests itself is violent and savage. They can neither stop, nor understand each other, nor love each other, in those moments it is just a cluster of feelings.

Thus, relationships with others become conflictive and inexplicable reactions, but this does not happen only on the outside, it also happens in themselves and at the same time. This emotional instability makes them confused when looking at each other and trying to understand each other.

People, generally those with whom they want or have to relate, are idealized and they go from being great friends, co-workers, or partners, but slowly or abruptly they become undervalued and sometimes denigrated beings. They suffer, unfairly, for being branded as ungrateful for everything that was given to them and they do not understand the dedication and love that was deposited in them. The most complicated thing is that these people are nothing more than a reflection of what they themselves feel about themselves.

In short, it is convenient to be aware that there are people who they can't get along with themselves at all. who have very low frustration tolerance and that the way in which they observe reality is more generated by looking or imagining their interior, where the judgments about whether they are cruel and the reasons for their misfortunes are generated for having the certainty of never feeling the right that no human should lack, which is to be valuable and to be worthy of receiving affection and understanding for their similar.

Have the knowledge, although not exhaustive, that there is another way to see the inner and outer life both in workplaces where ties may be less passionate (or not) than those expected between family, friends or in the couple itself, allows us to detect these behaviors and wake up to a new way of seeing our partner and managing help.

We are in a difficult world, in which processing emotions and giving room to others is not common, this small gesture of attention can change the other person a lot for the better, make our workplace a pleasant place to arrive every morning and allow each one of us to reflect on how important it is to have been looked at with eyes clean.