Why is couples therapy useful?

I have been working with couples for a long time. I like to do it and accompany the participants in the work of decide what to do and how to do it.

We can continue? How? What are we doing wrong? What are we not doing or taking care of? Can all couples get on track? And what could we do with ours so that we don't argue so much, or that we don't feel mistreated?

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The usefulness of couples therapy

There are many situations that we must evaluate before the needs of a couple relationship… And we must start from the basis that people do not know what to do or how to solve certain problems. Many of us do not know, no one ever taught us, and many times we could not learn how to solve this or that.

So, to begin to explain what couples therapy consists of, we have to start from the basis that it is a very moving experience in which there are many different types of ingredients.

1. Partners often feel very uncomfortable with what is happening

Sometimes they can explain it and sometimes they can't. They know that what they are experiencing is not pleasant, sometimes they believe that their partner is simply not in tune and they do not get to see what it is the essence of distance.

This is one of the challenges of the therapist… Trying to determine what is happening, beyond the ideas that one member or another has.

2. shared and unshared beliefs

The members of the couple sometimes have some hypothesis about what is happening, in light of their own view of the world, their projections, their beliefs.

And here we find another real problem. What are the beliefs of one and the other regarding this or that topic? Are those beliefs shared?

3. And what about the respect that each has for the other?

Is there a gratitude for the encounter that has taken place with someone who is not me and who I like? Or, on the contrary, is there a situation of annoyance or confusion because I don't like many things about my partner?

At this point it is common to find that in many couples one, or both, they want the other to change. Is it possible to move forward in a relationship in which differences of opinion are constant, very present and are sometimes felt as a toxic situation?

If we ask a chef how to cook a certain dish, she will tell us a recipe, what the ingredients are, how to mix them and how to cook them. here we have a fundamental difference between the resolution of conflicts in couples and the preparation of a delicacy following a model. Why? Because each couple is unique and has a modality that must be discovered by the therapist.

It is essential that the couples therapist be able to capture the specificity of what we previously called the essence of distance.

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Key ideas to work with in couples therapy

To advance the resolution then we are going to need to understand that…

1. There are some topics that we need to put in order

Do I listen when the other speaks to me or asks me? Do I respond appropriately? What are the priorities of each? I know it? Does he or she know?

2. There are some topics that we need to “teach” one and sometimes both members.

It is something that the person don't know how it works or how it's done (Do they both know enough about each other's emotional and sexual needs and how to actively participate?).

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3. There are issues related to the care that each one needs from their partner

Does each member of the couple know what they are? Did they ever talk about it?

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The anger

I would like to add a topic that requires special attention. It is a topic that resonates a lot with each of the members whenever there is a discussion. And it has to do with anger. Or rather, with previous anger. Every time one gets angry with the other, the old anger appears that was not resolved in a timely manner. We have to teach how to work with previous anger until resolution... So that they don't come back renewed.

I think that, definitely, the topics mentioned constitute an excellent road map.

There is no doubt that if we feel that there is something wrong with our partner, even if we don't know what it is, we should consult a couples therapist. And he or she, with their experience and knowledge, will help us find the best way to resolve what is happening.