How to combat emotional dependence?

Emotional dependence is associated with low self-esteem that covers up emotional deficiencies, irrational beliefs about the conception of love and how “things should be.” In general, it is common to find that one of the members depends excessively on the other, carrying out behaviors that are harmful to themselves and/or to the bond itself..

People with emotional dependence often prefer to suffer from a relationship that hurts them daily, than going through a breakup, since the mere idea of ​​breaking up represents a mental catastrophe and they feel that “they don't they can". It is impossible for them to imagine their life without the other person and this leads to feelings of loneliness, helplessness and suffocation due to this idea.

Regarding their psychological profile, it is necessary to mention the fear of loneliness, low tolerance for frustration and boredom, as well as emotional emptiness and separation anxiety. Low self-esteem and a negative self-concept towards themselves that is not adjusted to reality stands out..

Based on various authors and the clinical view of the experience, it is possible to conclude that people with emotional dependence are characterized by: having a need excessive approval of others, attraction to exclusive relationships and demand for continuous availability of the other person's presence, excessive euphoria and unrealistic expectations about relationships, in addition to submission or subordination to the partner (enduring contempt and humiliation), related to the fear of losing one's loved person.

Keys to combat emotional dependence and have healthy relationships

However, psychology from an integrative perspective provides specific interventions and treatments to address both the prevention and the consequences of said condition.

1. Self-discovery and autonomy

The first step is self-discovery, this consists of exploring various places, people, hobbies, activities and learning that can connect with the person's values. In this way, promoting more spaces for autonomy and independence. To do this, you need to explore and take the necessary time with each new activity you do. Then you determine how you feel in each one, increase your frequency and try to maintain it over time until you find new individual routines for mental and physical well-being..

With this, an antidote is achieved for emotional dependence, since those who suffer from it usually have a false belief about what the world is like, being seen as boring, not pleasant without the partner, presenting as a consequence a deterioration in the social, personal and even family, where most of the things that are done daily are with and for the couple.

Discovering a fun parallel world with changes not only helps modify dysfunctional beliefs but also increases the possibility and flexibility of change, this being able to contribute to the reformulation of one's own identity created under one's own values ​​and not under the values ​​of others. the couple.

It is possible to think about those times in the past when you were able to enjoy life being alone, revive old hobbies or interests, for example. example, resuming music classes, playing a new instrument, taking art or painting classes, attending reading, theater or workshops. dance. Do physical activity in a constant and orderly manner with short-term and medium-term goals. Discover new places, travel alone, write poetry. Everything that generates curiosity, go there.

Another variant of the self-discovery process is to identify the behaviors that are carried out through the fear of losing the partner and/or dependent behaviors, that is, all those own attitudes with those characteristics to then be able to work on the modification. To do this, it is suggested to use a list of these behaviors, pay close attention to detect them and then try to modify them with other more adaptive ones. In this instance, the help of a professional is necessary to generate new action criteria that accompany the change.

For example, behaviors due to fear of losing a partner can lead to situations of jealousy and strong arguments. Control behaviors such as checking the partner's cell phone, seeing their location, their last connection time. Likewise, submitting to denying one's own needs so as not to contradict the other. All this for fear of losing the partner.

2. Creating individual goals

It is common to find in people with emotional dependence a deficit of personal goals in the short, medium and long term. This is because a lot of weight is usually given to the other person's ideas/dreams, and little importance to one's own.. In addition to the fact that there is a difficulty in trusting oneself and the lack of individual activities that prevent self-knowledge, Added to that are dysfunctional beliefs due to the impossibility of perceiving oneself alone, and the belief thus preventing one from seeing the other. future.

3. Heal wounds in childhood

This last key is essential since various authors have identified emotional dependence as the origin, having suffered within the family, emotional and/or physical abuse, both by direct family members and romantic partners (Castelló, 2000; de la Villa and Sirvent, 2009) Likewise, lack of safe spaces, emotional deficiencies of love and protection.

In this instance, it is advisable to first have previously acquired emotional management tools in a psychotherapy process.. And consequently, being able to generate new symbolic representations with new signifiers and making a reconstruction of the childhood past, rename traumatic experiences, from a resilient perspective and with new knowledge of the maturity.

The cause of suffering from emotional dependence is undoubtedly much deeper and varies depending on the experiences that the person may have suffered. That is why to work on emotional dependence it is necessary to have a safe listening space and concrete interventions with a specialist on the subject. The process of change requires a lot of effort and courage but above all, a lot of self-care.