Problems with your partner? The culprit is the negative cycle

In our day to day, when we have problems with our partner and we feel that they do not understand us, the rest of our life is affected. Actually, what happens is that when we are not well with our partner, everything 'weighs more': life weighs more, problems weigh more, even joys are not enjoyed as much...

And in the face of this burdensome situation, feeling that the person we love the most does not understand us, they feel an infinity of emotions.

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The negative cycle in relationships

Faced with these emotions, all of us need to protect ourselves. Some act withdrawn, like they 'don't care' (called 'avoiders' in FET). Others show with intensity how much it affects them, wanting to find understanding at that very moment (the so-called 'pursuers' in TFE). Both ways are a demonstration that it does matter.

This is where the negative cycle is “born”, a repetitive pattern of relating in the couple that is activated in different situations from day to day, because each wants to be seen, wants to be accepted, wants to feel the most important thing for the other and wants to be "enough" for the other person.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is based on the premise that a solid relationship is based on feeling that your partner is emotionally available, offers you security to be who you are, show your feelings and feel that you have someone to turn to when you need it.

From this model of therapy, 'the negative cycle' refers to the inevitable interconnection between, on the one hand, who I am, what I need and the way I that I act with my partner to let him know and, on the other, the way in which my partner understands it and responds to it from who he is and what he needs also.

What I think, what I feel and what I do in response to what I see in my travel companion can be understood by him/her in a different way, because he/she also thinks, feels and does from his/her own need. Each person has a particular way of understanding the world and relationships.

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The origin of many discussions

The 'negative cycle' is the trap in which all couples fall; that way of relating to the person we love most that is repeated over and over again, especially in times of conflict. It is a pattern of behaviors, personal interpretations and internal emotions that occur in each of the partners when a difference arises: one person's behavior arouses emotions in the other, these emotions Together with the interpretation made of them, they activate ways of acting and responding which, in turn, also arouse emotions, behaviors and interpretations in the former. What all of them express is the deep need to feel accepted, valued, loved.

For this reason, they are repeated over and over again in the day to day of a relationship and if they do not feel heard and understood, they are responsible for the estrangement in the couple.

This negative cycle explains and gives meaning to discussions and silences. We argue because we care. We shut up and withdraw because we care… Both positions show how much the other person means to us.

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The work from the Couple Therapy Focused on Emotions for couples

One of the goals of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy is accompany both members of the couple in discovering the negative cycle and the part that corresponds to each person: her behavior has an impact on the other and vice versa.

From my experience -as a person in a stable affective relationship, and as a psychotherapist with more than two decades of therapeutic work- observing my own way of acting, how this has an effect on my partner and being aware of my personal interpretation of the actions of 'my life partner', It becomes easier - and they have more value for me - when I don't feel judged, when I feel that my emotions, my intentions and my needs.

This is precisely what Emotionally Focused Therapy achieves for couples: power, in each member of the couple, the acceptance of both her own needs and her emotional desires. It is only after this individual acceptance that you can also embrace those of the other person. TFE focuses on strengthening the emotional bond with the couple so that the pain and personal struggle of each one has a 'safe harbor' where to rest, from which to go out to explore and to which one knows that one can return. Because each person has the right to be who they are. To feel accepted, valued, loved, just as he is.