Why do I always end up with toxic partners?

Normally, when we talk about the world of couple relationships, it is usual to focus our attention on how complicated relationships are. social interactions in themselves, that is, what happens around us while we create a bond with someone: the errors when trying to seduce, misunderstandings when establishing a commitment and plans for the future together, managing discussions and coexistence in general, etc

It is true that these "external" aspects of ourselves can be very interesting and are usually of great importance for our emotional well-being; However, it is also true that courtships and marriages also make us face other types of challenges, which this time are rather "internal" or, rather, intrapersonal. And it is that what we experience in relationships leads us to have one vision or another about ourselves, our "I". In other words, these relationships tell us about our identity, and depending on how we interpret them and the conclusions that we draw when analyzing and reflecting on them, we will enjoy more or less mental health in the short and long term term.

For example, there are many who often ask themselves: "Why do I always end up with toxic partners?". Addressing these types of questions is not easy, and in most cases it is a delicate subject.

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Are there behavior patterns when choosing a partner?

The short answer to this initial question is that yes, it is possible to detect certain general behavior patterns among the population regarding the search for a partner. For example, it has been observed that there is a general tendency to look for people with personality traits similar to one's own, and with a style of life that is compatible with one's own; The idea that "opposites attract" is a myth.

However, when the objective is to explain the motivations that lead a specific individual to select a certain type of people as potential partners, things get complicated; in these situations, it is necessary to analyze each case, normally in the context of psychological therapy (if necessary). For this reason, in this article we will talk at all times about general behavior patterns, what is more frequent to be found in the world of couple relationships typical of countries of culture western. This means that, ultimately, in order to fully understand what leads each of us to initiate courtships with certain types of people, it is necessary to have psychological assistance individualized.

Why do I always have relationships with toxic people?

As a general rule, there are a series of psychosocial elements that tend to help explain why there are those who fall into toxic relationships over and over again. Of course, it is important not to forget that These psychological aspects do not imply that "the fault" of going through these experiences lies with oneself for not knowing how to choose better; For example, in situations where there is a dynamic of domination and unidirectional abuse (something that goes beyond the ambiguous label of "toxic relationships"), the victim is neither to blame for what happens to her nor is she responsible for the acts of the person attack. And in fact, a good part of the causes that we will see here are not even the consequence of the actions or mentality of a specific person.

1. meet very few people

Having little ability to meet people beyond a fairly restricted social circle is something that facilitates the appearance of dependency dynamics. Since there are hardly any potential people with whom to maintain a relationship (for example, living in a small town and not having a private vehicle), there are those who take advantage of it and they appear more accessible to those who will apparently adopt a role of submission and conformity.

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2. Idealization of romantic love

Although it seems paradoxical, idealizing the concept of romantic love too much can lead to having relationships of couple who are a real ordeal, mainly because it helps to see jealousy as something normal extremes.

We must not forget that the myth of the better half makes us think of our partner as a another component of ourselves, as if it belonged to us and it was lawful to try to control it without boundaries. Besides, makes certain behaviors that should be "red flags" positively valued, such as showing aggressiveness at the idea of ​​going out to a party with our friends and without our boyfriend or girlfriend. And that makes us more likely to notice the most aggressive and insecure people.

3. Living in a marginalized socioeconomic context

People who live immersed in social circles linked to precariousness and marginality are also more likely to chain one toxic relationship after another. The reason is that in this type of context linked to crime, a reputation system operates that encourages a part of these people to behave in a toxic way as long as the others do not lose their interest I respect.

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4. have very low self-esteem

The extremely low self esteem can easily lead to falling into psychological manipulation strategies of toxic people. In cases like this, something as simple as getting the attention of someone who is usually hostile or angry can be interpreted as a sign of that there is hope to live an exciting love relationship, something that generates the sensation of being before an opportunity that cannot be wasted.

In addition, in many cases, these self-esteem problems may be enhanced or facilitated by underlying psychological disorders, such as addiction or trauma, and this makes it even easier for the person who has carried out the manipulation strategy to adapt an absolute leadership role in the relationship.

5. The fact of having gone through a toxic relationship

Although this does not mean that people who have gone through a toxic relationship are destined to not be able to have healthy love relationships, it is true that in general there is a certain predisposition to look for partners similar to the ones previous. It is as if the couple models that are something "new" are something too complicated to understand, and how easy it would be to return to having a dynamic of coexistence like the one that has already been had in the past.