He loves me, He Loves Me Not...

Relationships are a world apart. In the bonds with our fellow students, work, and with our friends we are more relaxed, but when love as a couple is about we have so many expectations placed on the other and so many more that society imposes on us, that we we stress

When we contract we lose our internal compass, we stop being present, our clarity sinks and we go into survival mode: fight, flight, or stand still. None of the three reactions is healthy for our minds and hearts.

• Related article: "The 7 pillars of couples therapy"

frequently asked questions

What to do when we expect from the other something that does not come? What to do when we doubt our love for the other person? What to do when we discover that we are living the love story that family or culture dictated to us? What to do when we do not feel valued by our partner?

When my clients share these questions with me, the first thing I ask them is to stop looking at the person next to them through a microscope and start looking at themselves

. Where does this insecurity come from? Where do those mandates come from? What are they willing to do? What do they have to be responsible for?

Perhaps you discover that when you were little, your parents were not able to be as close to you as you needed and now your demands reflect the needs of the child that you were and not of your adult Self. Maybe when you were younger you were betrayed or made fun of and now you have a hard time trusting the other person. Maybe you discover that you are in your relationship because in the society where you live, that is seen with good eyes but... Do you want to act out someone else's script or be the protagonist of your own life? Perhaps you feel that something is missing in your relationship because you have a history of unions with more drama. Maybe you were raised to sweep everything under the rug and now you don't know how to express what you need. Perhaps you are claiming the other to make you happy simply because you are not doing enough to be beyond him or her.

These are some of the root causes of insecurity in the couple. Working with a professional will help you discover yours.

• You may be interested: "The 4 types of love: what different kinds of love exist?"

Delving into vulnerabilities

I am working on this issue with a client who is constantly observing and dissecting his partner. The other day, surprised at himself, he shared with me how excited he felt because he had started a new hobby and that it did him great. Beyond his new hobby, he feels more liberated, calm, and focused on his personal growth. Instead of getting bogged down with questions about what the other feels, does, or doesn't do, start with yourself.

Strengthen yourself and fall in love with yourself above all. Prioritize your values ​​and your needs and do whatever it takes to live in alignment with them.

If you value your peace of mind, do everything that you know calms you down and don't get hooked on anything that takes away your peace. If you need recognition, remind yourself how much you are worth and all that you have achieved. If it is important for you to lead a healthy life, take care of your body and your mind. Remember that the way out is always within you. Once you are radically faithful to yourself, the veils will begin to fall and your inner confidence will unfold.

Also note that if you strive to give your best, but that is not well received, maybe it's time to rethink if you want to spend your energy like this. In couples, it usually happens that one is the one who is looking and the other is the one who is wanted. The one who searches is always pending, attentive, and even worried to a greater or lesser extent. The one who is persecuted usually sits on his pedestal until one day he gets bored. If you are in that frequency, ask yourself if you want to be all the time chasing the other or if you prefer to find your forgotten "I". And if you are on the podium of the admired, think about whether you don't want to get down and become a real being with your strengths and weaknesses.

• You may be interested: "Do you really know what self-esteem is?"

Characteristics of a healthy relationship

In a healthy relationship, both people can:

• Express your emotions, however uncomfortable they may be for you, knowing that your message will be received with empathy and curiosity.
• Communicate your needs clearly and respectfully. Do not assume that the other will read your mind or your heart.
• Having your own separate spaces, having confidence when you are not together.
• Play and have fun. Many times we get caught up in the projects and goals of a couple to the detriment of laughing and enjoying together.
• Contribute to the well-being of the other first and foremost. Be happy with the happiness of your partner.
• Accompany each other in your projects and support each other at all levels (emotional, logistical, mental)
• Don't judge yourself when you disagree. It is essential to be able to talk about the attitudes that you do not share, try to see the other's point of view, and put labels aside.

Remember that your energy will go where you put your focus of attention, and that this will influence your emotions and your behaviors. Strengthen your self-esteem, un-learn behaviors that do not add up in the couple, work with your emotions, get closer to the other person calmly and honestly, and together begin to design each day of your relationship with much intention.