Why is it so hard for us to feel peace?

We usually live trapped in the machine of doing, proving our worth to the outside; We set goals, we achieve them, and we go for the next challenge. When something does not go well for us, we reproach and judge ourselves.

There is no calm in that race, in the search for external approval, or in crushing ourselves. When we live from the outside in we lose our inner peace.

• Related article: "What are personal insecurities and how can you deal with them?"

The loop of proving our value to the rest

Think about everything that may be hindering your peace of mind. Are you very aware of pleasing others? Do you have to prove to someone that you are capable? Don't you know how to set limits? Do you get obsessed with some thoughts? Do you buy into beliefs that tell you that you are not up to your circumstances? Do you have perfectionistic or controlling tendencies? Do you blame yourself for sayings and actions?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you have the answer to the title of this article. The challenge is

how to heal so much pain and so much self-betrayal. Let me tell you that it is possible, with the proper work on oneself, we can begin to feel calm.

There is a quote from Cicero, the wise Roman writer and philosopher, that was once imprinted on my soul, "A happy life consists in having peace of mind." So simple and forceful, this is an invitation to live from the inside out. To the extent that we are connected to our true essence, our deepest goodness and our needs in the present moment, our fears, anxieties, and rage will subside.

Unfortunately, we forget our internal compass and continue looking for stillness on the outside. We are convinced that serenity will come to us when we graduate, advance in our profession, buy a house or a car, and we are recognized in the areas in which we operate. The idea is not to flagellate ourselves if we feel identified with the latter, but to have the equanimity to say, "there is a life story that pushes me to think and behave like this, I accept it, and I I ask... What pattern could you change to feel relief? What would I have to redirect? What would ease my sorrow?

• You may be interested: "Dysfunctional perfectionism: causes, symptoms and treatment"

The root of the problem

Several of my clients were raised in families that, with the best of good intentions, instilled in them that they had to get high grades in school and that they had to striving not to “fail” in tests, in sports, or in being liked by others in their circles. Not surprisingly, today, these clients are adults who feel incomplete, lacking the secret ingredient to success, or fearful of not being loved or accepted when they fall. One of my clients shared with me that as a child she had been a student of tens and that the few times she got sevens or eights, her father questioned her in what she had done wrong and punished her.

Experiences like this are registered in our body and we carry them into our adult lives.. If for some reason we do not achieve what we set out to do, the punishment will be the familiar place where we will return. The difference is that in adulthood, we are the ones who whip ourselves. The positive circumstances of life, however many they may be, often go unnoticed and our mind stubbornly focuses on what makes us feel insecure, thus reinforcing our ideas of lack.

Our beliefs and thoughts begin to form in the interactions we have when we are little. I think of my client who was such a good student that she lived with anxiety during her school years because she was afraid of disappointing her father. In her child's mind, she associated that her father loved her when she was successful and that he stopped loving her when she slipped up. How can we not become obsessed with all kinds of thoughts in order to have reality under control? Who wants to go through so much suffering? And yet we can do our best and draw a roadmap, but life will surprise us because it is not predictable or orderly. It will be our flexibility and ability to question our fixations, the ones that will keep us afloat and the ones that will prevent us from collapsing.

• Related article: "Resilience: definition and 10 habits to enhance it"

To do?

My clients often tell me: "I understand, but I still feel horrible, lost, anguished, and now what do I do?". To which I reply: “Are you sure that things are just as you tell them? Are you really such a flawed person? Are you going to buy your ideas as if they were an absolute truth? How can you take your side? Does having those thoughts make them come true? If the wisest person in the world spoke to you right now, what would they say? What small change do you commit to implement?

When we encourage ourselves to stay with our emotions instead of running from them, we begin to open up and receive information from our wiser Self. Over time, the client that I shared with you earlier, understood that since she was a child she had contorted herself to do everything well to meet the demands of her beloved father. That girl who at home felt "so little" with grades just below the maximum, she had become an adult addicted to conquests and to reach the highest mark where no one could reproach. However, that life no longer made her happy, she was exhausted, she felt empty and dissatisfied.

Little by little she began to question his assumptions and to live his way. He learned to listen to his inner voice, to be true to himself, and to feel gratitude for the little things.

To feel the peace that resides within us, it is vital to stop living on autopilot and wake up from the trance of fear, trauma, and the beliefs that we accept as absolute truths and that today limit us. The path of unlearning the patterns that keep us walled in requires a lot of courage, but it is the way to contact the love, joy, and power that reside right in our center.