The 80 best phrases of Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg was a comedian and a constant figure of the American stand up, the greatest characteristic of him was his surreal humor, based on one-liners with abrupt and absurd cuts that left the public absorbed but wanting to More of him.

If you want to know his philosophy of life, this selection of the best phrases of Mitch Hedberg it will like you.

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The most inspiring Mitch Hedberg phrases

To remember this character's legacy of humor, we bring you a list of Mitch Hedberg's iconic phrases and jokes.

1. I have a vest. If my arms were cut off, it would be a jacket.

An example of his simple humour.

2. My hotel doesn't have a 13th floor due to superstition, but come on man… People on the 14th floor, they know what floor they really are on.

When no one wants to see the obvious.

3. I got to the one-liner style because I'm not a good storyteller.

Explaining why he decided that line of making jokes.

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4. I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault.

That is why we cannot see entities clearly.

5. I would like to get four people who know how to make wagon wheels and assemble a wagon very well.

About people who bring benefits to your life.

6. I once saw a human pyramid. It was very unnecessary.

Things we regret seeing.

7. I'm going to improve that last joke by removing all the words and adding new ones.

Improvisation is the best weapon of comedy.

8. My fake plants died because I didn't mean to water them.

Take care of your things.

9. The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I am, I will never be as good as a wall.

Nobody is perfect at something.

10. I live comfortably, and if this continues for the rest of my life, there is no way I can say that I have failed.

An optimistic perception, which unfortunately was not fulfilled.

11. Every book is a children's book if the child can read!

Now, the content is something very different.

12. I want to hang a map of the world in my house and then I'm going to put pins in all the places I've traveled. But first I'll have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it doesn't fall down.

You have to have priorities.

13. Yes, this comedy is part of my "Get Rich Slow" scheme... and it's working.

Wealth is not achieved overnight.

14. I do not have a girlfriend. But I know a woman who would be mad at me for saying that.

If you're in a relationship, commit.

15. An escalator can never be broken: it can only become an escalator.

Stairs are stairs if that is their purpose.

16. Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

Rice is plentiful.

17. My friend asked if he wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... Yeah'.

The wait is always worth it.

18. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a very weak guy, all day.

High-collared shirts can be annoying.

19. Fettucini Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

An elegant plate of spaghetti.

20. A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

Not everything that is seen with the naked eye is true.

21. I wear a collar, because I want to know when I'm upside down.

A peculiar way to have an alert.

22. I used to do drugs. I still do it, but I used to do it too.

Talking about his drug use that he could never run away from.

23. Politics makes my eyelids heavy.

Politics is a boring subject that shouldn't be.

24. I make my living writing jokes.

A job that not everyone can do well.

25. If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house.

A way to take advantage of the circumstances.

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26. I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Putting in jokes part of the harsh reality of him.

27. I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.

Things may be easier than we expect.

28. If I were missing nine of my fingers, I wouldn't type slower.

Want is power.

29. I am a heroin addict.

An addiction that led to the soon end of him.

30. I once saw a forklift lift a box of forks. And it was too literal for me.

Making ordinary things look unusual.

31. I was in a bar, and this guy bumped into me, and he was unapologetic, and he was like, "Move!" I thought that was rude, so I said, "Go to hell!" So I started running. He reached me. He had a mustache, goatee, a pair of earrings, sunglasses, a ponytail, and wore a hat. He said, "Hey, you've got a lot of nerve!" I said, "Hey, you've got a lot of... accessories for the skull!".

Situations can get out of control in bars.

32. I don't think this heart of mine will last forever.

An early death promotion from him?

33. Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. The guy didn't even get the degree from him.

Imitations do not prosper.

34. I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I am addicted to sitting in a semicircle.

About his relapses and rehabilitation attempts.

35. You know, you can't please all the people all the time... And last night, all these people were at my show.

A way to get their frustration out when their jokes don't go well.

36. I wish I could play minor league now. It would be much better than before.

Impossible things as children become easy as adults.

37. Dogs are always in the push-up position.

An obvious aside.

38. Every time I go to shave, I assume there is someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm going to shave too.'

It is comforting to know that we are not alone when we seek value.

39. I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at the headlights of any car and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Thus, everyone should be an expert.

40. All of these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

What is funny to someone is not necessarily funny to others.

41. Right now I am in a moment in which I do not stop working, I earn a lot of money and everything is going well.

Her work became a distraction.

42. Look, this is a smart crowd. Every time I play for a dumb crowd, I'm like, "You've got a load of shit on your head!"

Winning over the public is not easy.

43. My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She lives in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she's just never called on set.

Not all dreams can come true.

44. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

A peculiar necessity.

45. Recently I dedicated myself to ice sculpture. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I did 12, I was prolific.

Being excellent at something everyday.

46. Have you heard of dramatic pauses?

At one point, he became frustrated that people tended to guess the ending of his jokes.

47. I saw this drunk, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."

Sometimes waiting is overrated.

48. If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I would be making money in a very weird way.

What would be your weird way of making money?

49. He had a parrot. The parrot spoke, but he didn't say “I'm hungry”, so he died.

You have to learn to listen.

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50. There are too many people talking about sex and I would seem a little inept if I started talking about politics.

We tend not to participate in things we don't know about.

51. I have an idea for sweatshops: Air conditioning! Problem solved.

If it's an enclosed space, you need it.

52. Well I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my situation!

It is important to be grateful for what we have.

53. I sit in my hotel at night, think of something funny, then go find a pen and write it down. Or if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought is not funny.

Always carry with you where to write down your ideas.

54. Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can be scolded for having.

A problem that can get out of control very easily.

55. It would be great if you could eat good food with bad food and the good food would cover up the bad food when it got to your stomach.

An effective solution.

56. It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Wow! Where is my wallet? But, well, this song is funky…

The fun is lost when a negative eventuality occurs.

57. I don't like connecting with the public.

A fear that he could never overcome.

58. I think the pickles are cucumbers that ran out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil was dill.

A strange opinion about the origin of gherkins.

59. Carrying a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak dwarf trying to take you down.

An overwhelming feeling.

60. I'd start adding stuff to any track because I thought it was funny, but people wouldn't laugh, so I decided to get straight to the point, cut out all the excess fat.

The path that led to his simple one line jokes.

61. Is a hippo a hippo, or just a really cool Opotamus?

People perceive the world based on how they look at it.

62. I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going, and I'll connect with them later.

It's frustrating when you don't see results from your effort.

63. However, I still feel that I can do something more, although I still don't quite know what.

We always have the drive to want to improve.

64. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out of Service sign, only Escalator Temporarily. Sorry for the comfort.

Are we too used to escalators?

65. I saw a sheet lying on the floor, it must have been a ghost that had passed out... So I kicked him.

A ghost that was not well received.

66. I bought a $7 pen because I always lose pens and I got tired of not caring.

Sometimes we have to force ourselves to act as we want.

67. I guess I would like to be well known.

A dream that he was able to fulfill, even after death.

68. I didn't go to college, but if I had, I would have taken all my tests in a restaurant, because the customer is always right.

If things were that simple.

69. I think if you look at people's faces, you always find someone disappointed.

It is impossible to keep everyone happy.

70. I like to close my eyes on stage because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.

One of his biggest concerns was always pleasing his audience with his jokes.

71. A severed foot is the perfect stocking filler.

The positive of a bad situation?

72. Bologna is cold meat for people with eyes.

Not everyone sees things the same way.

73. Is rare. People say that they are not like apes. So how do you explain soccer?

A critique of football fanaticism.

74. This shirt is dry clean only, which means it is dirty.

When you can't find a solution to your problem.

75. If my son couldn't draw he would make sure my kitchen magnets wouldn't work.

The drawings are cute childhood memories.

76. Bigfoot is blurry, and that scares me even more. There is a large monster out of focus roaming the field.

As if he were a ghost.

77. I figure if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

Not everything in life has a hidden meaning.

78. My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops. What the hell is really going on down there? Who is the real hero?

A true mystery of physics.

79. That joke deserved a better reaction from you.

Facing the public when he didn't get a reaction from them.

80. I think a duck's opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether or not I have bread.

A reflection on the way in which power relations influence the perception we have of others.