Couple conflicts give the opportunity to strengthen the relationship

A good indicator of the degree of emotional maturity that we have reached is in the way in which we approach couple conflicts, both in dating relationships and in marriages. And it is that knowing how to relate to a person we love is not something significantly different from establishing a healthy relationship with our own emotions; both processes follow similar logic, in the same way that caring for others has a lot to do with emotional self-care.

However, we must not forget that no one is born knowing. It is normal, and even expected, that we spend a good part of our love life without being fully mature people on a psychological level; This is something that should not make us feel guilty, as long as we know how to see it as a drawback and a sign that there is an aspect of ourselves that we can improve. In this sense, couple conflicts can become a good opportunity to strengthen that love relationship and, incidentally, learn to establish more appropriate links with others and with ourselves.

Why couple conflicts are opportunities to strengthen the love bond

If we have a very simplistic perspective about what love relationships are, it will seem to us that the The fact of not arguing is always good, and that the act of discussing is always a sign that something is wrong. good. This way of seeing things is based on the idea that the affective and emotional connection with someone we love is something that appears spontaneously, something to which we limit ourselves to reacting and, in any case, to taking note of the warning signs in the event that they occur. produce. As if the myth of the better half were something that corresponds to reality and our love life is limited to finding the right person, nothing more.

Actually, all healthy relationships go through times when both argue. And it is normal for this to be the case, given that when you live with someone for months or years, and when there are also many plans for the future and emotions at stake in that relationship, Just being two people with slightly different interests, personalities, and beliefs already sets the stage for occasional arguments.. Do not openly express disagreements or the feeling of frustration that yes or yes will appear from time to time it is, of fact, a way to make the problems accumulate and the relationship is flawed by the lack of communication.

Bearing this in mind, let's see how we can take advantage of couple conflicts to distance ourselves from what happened and, together, reformulate some problematic dynamics that had been taking place in coexistence or in communication between the two, thus reinforcing the link. This is how these "clashes" of points of view allow to improve the couple's relationship:

1. They give rise to creating future plans compatible with both people

It may be that behind those moments of conflict there is a deeper clash of ideas than it seems; something that was scary to express and that rises to the surface in the form of veiled reproaches, hints, etc. For example: wanting or not wanting to have children, going to live in another city or staying...

Being able to detect these pieces of valuable information and not make it look like nothing happened allows you to look for a better fit of the plans of the future of both, pointing out that if this topic has appeared in the middle of the discussion, it is because it is given importance and there is something that must be discussed duly. Of course, since they are important conversations, it is best not to address them immediately at a time when you are both angry; It is advisable to let a few hours pass and, in any case, agree on a time and place to talk about it.

• Related article: "How do you know when to go to couples therapy? 5 compelling reasons"

2. They give the opportunity to address taboo topics

Even if no one has indirectly talked about a topic you haven't noticed before, if you feel it's a taboo and may have something to do with the health of your relationship, it is good that you let the other know person. For example: sexual dissatisfaction, the mental health of the other person or your own, etc.

However, If the other person makes it clear that he has nothing to do with what caused the argument or disagreement, don't force that topic of conversation at that time.; can be seen as an excuse to change the subject. In any case, use that precedent to talk about it another time, since from your point of view it is relevant.

• You may be interested in: "The rules of communication in the couple"

3. They teach the importance of letting go of the past in relationships

It is clear that each person's past is important in understanding her present way of thinking, her values ​​and priorities, and maybe even her personality. However, that does not mean that a couple conflict is the appropriate context in which to reproach about reprehensible behaviors that you had in the past.

The most important is create together an awareness that both of you can change for the better, and this happens by committing yourself to discuss trying to carry out criticisms focused on the central point of the conflict, instead of throwing criticism at each other about things from the past that have nothing to do with see. In this way, even seeing that at that moment you are going through a conflict, you will notice that you continue investing efforts in creating a propitious context to discuss things and find a solution together.

• Related article: "Couple problems: what causes them, and how they are treated in psychology"

4. They focus on the need to develop assertiveness

There is a big difference between a couple's argument in which the fight of egos prevails, on the one hand, and a couple's conflict in which you are both assertive, on the other. It is not a matter of repressing emotions, much less, but of channeling them to show the other person to what extent what happened hurts you, something that motivates you to seek concrete solutions.

5. They teach that arguing is not the same as fighting

As I have anticipated, arguing is normal. What's more, it's necessary to prevent relationship problems from getting bigger and bigger even though you don't talk about it. The key is not to sweep everything under the rug, but to have an open dialogue about what excites you and what disappoints you about your relationship, what makes you feel calm and what causes you fear. The important thing is to talk about the specific actions that each one carries out and that can be more or less improvable or avoidable, instead of attack the person and show in our way of speaking (and communicating non-verbally) that we expect the other to also "fight" with us.

• You may be interested in: "How to make constructive criticism?"

Are you interested in going to couples therapy?

If you are looking for psychological assistance for couples, contact me.

Am Natalia Bacaicoa, General Health Psychologist with many years of experience in intervention on marital crises and courtship, and I offer my services both in my office and online via video call.