Are we afraid of being ignored?

Being invisible to society and at the same time being recognized by it are two phenomena that are more closely linked to each other than we think. One of our biggest nightmares is being disowned as an outcast by the people around us. Being invisible or not, being ignored among our peers, can be decisive in life, with significant consequences for our way of being.

From Psychology and Mind We explain the causes of this reality that many people suffer, and we will try to point out some solutions

Our worst nightmare: being ignored by others.

I am sitting at a table in a bar, enjoying a good beer while listening to other people's conversations. In Spain. If you want to find out something, go straight to a bar, possibly because of that unhealthy habit of raising your voice, you always end up finding out everything even if you don't want to.

I set my sights on a boy who has chosen a secluded nook to lose himself in his reading hobby. The waiter has already served three tables before whose diners came to him later.

The boy looks at the waiter impatiently but he doesn't see him, he looks like a ghost. However, a middle-aged gentleman enters the establishment and everyone finds out about his presence, they turn to look at him, he is a well-known customer, one of those of a lifetime.

The waiter knows exactly what this gentleman is having for breakfast and rushes to serve him between effusive conversations. The boy looks more and more irritated, not only because he feels neglected but also because of the histrionic joy between the client and the waiter. Finally, he ends up yelling at the waiter and leaves with a frown.

Invisible people in the image society

This event made me reflect that, in a society as visual as the western one, everything is easily digestible slogans. We have the vital obligation to portray absolutely everything, and a photo is always easy to digest (as the saying goes, a photo is worth a thousand words).

We have developed the need to always be in the photo, and when this does not happen the world falls on us. It would then be appropriate to ask yourself the following questions; What do we want to see in each image? How do we want to be seen or remembered? And last but not least: What is it that we really observe in a photo?

This mystery has an answer: the information deposited in our brain, that is, all the data that we have introduced into the mind, including the psychic dynamics transformed into custom and that forms the compendium of concepts that we have regarding our own being, society and the environment that around us. Definitely, categorized information that has also been nourished by family, cultural and social idiosyncrasies.

From this point we have structured our psyche, in a complex system that obeys the schemes that have been mechanized like gears in the unconscious deeper. When someone looks at us, he doesn't do it through his eyes but through his mind, and he sees (or rather interprets) what he has experienced.

loneliness versus company

In the concept we have of ourselves (the selfconcept) both the drive to be absent and the inclination to be present coexist. In certain areas of our life we ​​would like to be widely recognized while in others we need to disappear from the face of the Earth, to be completely invisible.

Alternate between that need to be recognized with the need not to attract attention It is something totally normal and logical, because throughout our lives we go through different contexts, both personal and social. The problem occurs when one becomes unhealthily obsessed with a single need, because the person who suffers from it is applying the same schemes and rules to totally different situations, thus generating a sense of frustration.

This is when the psyche needs to create a new perspective on the world and on itself.

"The worst sin towards our fellow men is not to hate them, but to treat them with indifference; This is the essence of humanity"

-Shakespeare

The fear of not having affective ties

Our biggest fear is being despised, ignored or ignored.. Relationships are more productive when they are stable, when affective bonds are created that offer the subject long-term protection (because we do not stop being social animals). The question is the empirical experiences that we live determine and condition different affective styles.

When certain affective styles deviate from the norm, society tends to reject the members who possess them, since they do not comply with the previously established social canons. In the same way that many recognitions are unfair, disproportionate or exaggerated, a large percentage of social exclusion is also unfair. Many times we boast of our justice, but we always end up making certain groups invisible, that is the evil of our century. At our level, we are more afraid of not standing out than doing so, even if this has a negative effect.

"There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about."

-Oscar Wilde

Between reality and appearances

Not being visible is due to social adjustment problems, like the guy at the bar who only stood out when he yelled at the bartender. But I'm sure the boy didn't take anger well. It did not occur to him to make himself noticed through dialogue and assertiveness.

Nevertheless, these situations are also due to certain illusions and expectations; they do great feats or try to attract attention in order to receive rose petals and applause accompanied by drum rolls, but this is still a mere self delusion because we are not recognized by what we are but by what we appear to be.

The reductionism of the senses

Many ancient emperors, generals, and leaders feared not being remembered, and that fear hides an even greater fear; the fear of being ignored. Do we exist if nobody sees us? Of course yes, it would be enough for everyone to accept themselves, with all the virtues and defects, but for this it is necessary to promote, as emitters and receivers, all the senses, perhaps in this way we do not give so much importance to the image.

But sooner or later the neighbor's gaze arrives; It can be a positive or negative judgment. Or much worse: we can see ourselves relegated to the half measures of indifference, that gray color that smells of mediocrity and in which we do not want to suffocate. It's just at the worst moments, right at that moment, when it shows whether we are capable of loving ourselves or not.

In conclusion, it is about making an introspective analysis and much more, we could start by including the sense of hearing in a totally visual world. The problem does not lie in not being seen, but in not being heard and not knowing how to listen, among other things. We need to tune our ears more and our eyes less! We need to stimulate all the senses!