How to identify Vicarious Violence in the Family Nucleus?

A positive family environment brings stability, security, inner joy, belonging, resilience and rootedness. In short, it offers the desired protection from an affective point of view.

However, human beings can also feel deeply vulnerable when living with other close loved ones. Vicarious violence is one of the forms of manipulation and blackmail that can occur in the family nucleus. It is a type of damage that has a great impact on the couple and on the children.

On the other hand, the abuser may continue to exercise some control after the divorce or separation: limits a woman's personal freedom and interferes negatively with her ability to make decisions. In short, she wants to prevent her from believing and advancing in her own life project. The aggressiveness it intensifies in specific situations that are beyond the control of the aggressor. For example, when she falls in love with another person and starts a new romantic relationship.

How to identify a case of vicarious violence: main warning signs

When there is any type of violence in the couple bond, the children suffer the damage that this situation generates in the long term. There is a climate of tension, negativity and concern in daily life. But vicarious violence has a special impact on them for a very specific reason. Apparently, the actions of the aggressor are directed at minors. Although it is important to analyze the situation in depth: his real intention is to harm the mother.

For this reason, this intentional and deliberate damage also receives another name: it is possible to use the term of violence by substitution to refer to those patterns of behavior that are habitually repeated in this context.

1. Blackmail, aggressiveness and manipulation

Children become a link that unites couples even after the relationship has ended. In that case, the love story ends because one of the parties has made that decision and has communicated it clearly. And what happens when her desire is not accepted by those who refuse to leave behind that stage of her life? Gender violence can manifest itself in this context through vicarious violence. In this case, blackmail, aggressiveness, authoritarianism or manipulation have a direct impact on the child.

Consequently, they are negative actions that cause enormous exhaustion in the mother who experiences contradictions and difficulties in her day to day. He wants to protect her children and make them fully happy. However, on numerous occasions she feels responsible for issues that do not depend on her. She may not be aware that she is a victim of what is currently occurring to her and the harm she is unfairly suffering.

• Related article: "The types of Violence (and the classes of aggression)"

2. The aggressor acts differently towards other people

Vicarious violence also presents another common contradiction in society. The behavior that the aggressor maintains with the family can be distanced from the image that she shows to other neighbors, friends or co-workers. It is common for other people to perceive you as friendly and polite. That is, it is possible that he appears as a responsible, committed and involved father.

In short, it is a type of intra-family violence that often goes unnoticed by the closest environment. Vicarious violence causes a notable impact on the victim's self-esteem, quality of life and health.

• You may be interested in: "The 30 signs of psychological abuse in a relationship"

3. The aggressor exploits the relationship she has with her children

The bond that the aggressor establishes with her children is not based on care, acceptance, protection and unconditional love. In fact, it does not take into account the rights, interests and emotional needs of minors during the growth process. In conclusion, exploits them as if they were objects that lack sensitivity, emotions, feelings and freedom. That is to say, the aggressor uses this way to hurt the mother even in those moments in which he does not establish a face-to-face and direct contact with her. Consequently, it is a form of gender violence that has a great reach beyond the rupture.

4. The level of conflict increases

Keep in mind that the permanent conflict is installed in the daily routine because the aggressor himself generates it, feeds it and strengthens it. It does not establish a positive bond. On the contrary, uses fear to feed dependency, constant worry, weakness and submission. Psychological violence is very present in this context.

Therefore, vicarious violence is a form of aggression that directly impacts the mother, the children and society.