Self-esteem and partner: how your relationships affect your self-esteem

The relationship between self-esteem and relationships is very close. In a couple relationship we experience well-being, a special bond, and in turn the greatest fears and insecurities arise. In the face of different couple crises, conflicts, pauses or breakups, our self-esteem is affected. What is your relationship? How to improve your self-esteem so that your relationships work?

Although we usually associate psychological consultations or therapy with problems derived from anxiety, discouragement or self-knowledge, difficulties in relationships and how they affect your self-esteem are one of the causes main.

However, trying to "raise" self-esteem or considering that the problem is what is happening, as well as working on it with eventual sessions, does not usually have a transforming effect in the long term. This is the reason why problems recur over time.

In this article we are going to delve into how your self-esteem is related to your way of living relationships, discover where the problem is, and above all, how you can solve it through your own personal change, both so that your self-esteem and relationships work.

What I am going to tell you is the result of more than 10 years accompanying people as a psychologist and coach in change processes where they achieved the change they needed in a stable way. At certain moments in our lives, to achieve the change we need, it is necessary to get out of theory and move on to practice.

• Related article: "Do you really know what self-esteem is?"

How is your self-esteem affected by your relationships?

It is common for us to think that our self-esteem is low, damaged, or even lost, due to partner conflicts, pauses, crises, or breakups. However, this idea comes from a mistake in understanding self-esteem.

We tend to think that self-esteem is high or low, that it is won or lost, when in reality self-esteem doesn't work that way. Your self-esteem is an affective relationship with you, it is the way you see yourself and treat yourself, in such a way that your vision of the world and your relationships flow through your way of building self-esteem.

Your self-esteem then is not high or low, but it works for you or not. And what does it depend on? To what extent your well-being depends mainly on you.

When your well-being depends too much on external factors (how the other behaves, how they meet your expectations or demands, what in turn come from your fears and insecurities) we feel anguish and anxiety for a simple reason: we cannot control these factors.

In this way, especially in relationships, an intimate and special bond is generated that over time becomes a tension that is difficult to manage. Fears, insecurities, difficulty in communicating assertively and setting your own limits and priorities arise, and self-esteem is affected.

The solution is not necessarily in working on the relationship, but in working with you, with your way of building well-being, in order to later be able to build relationships that work for you and where you can establish clear limits, without losing your purpose, according to a healthier and more affectionate bond independent.

• You may be interested in: "The 5 types of couples therapy"

The keys between self-esteem and relationships

There are six keys to understanding the relationship between your self-esteem and your experiences as a couple. It is important to understand that in a relationship there will always be difficulties. However, you will face these difficulties in a totally different way if your self-esteem works. If you are experiencing a moment of crisis or breakup, this is an ideal time to do this learning, as it will help you get to know yourself and reduce your discomfort.

These are the six main keys.

1. Self esteem is neither high nor low

This is a common way of talking that psychologists have participated in (in fact, the idea comes from psychology). However, talking about high or low self-esteem is a way of reducing it, of considering self-esteem an object, when in reality self-esteem is not a thing, but a way of doing things. Self-esteem is a system, a way of relating to yourself.

In this way, self-esteem is not affected by your relationship, nor can they take it away or lower it, but rather your way of building self-esteem can make the relationship experience more difficult, and in turn, a complicated relationship causes problems in the way you build self-esteem and welfare.

A self-esteem that works gives rise when your well-being depends mainly on you. To achieve this, you must work with yourself, in a deep way, manage the emotions that cause you problems (mainly fears, insecurities or guilt, as well as the need for control or jealousy) and change your focus on the relationships.

• Related article: "Self-knowledge: definition and 8 tips to improve it"

2. Detect behaviors that affect your self-esteem

There are common behaviors that cause a problem in your self-esteem, since it makes your well-being depend on external factors that you cannot control. Some of these behaviors are demands, expectations, comparisons or value judgments.

3. Focus on your priorities and well-being

A couple relationship is a unique and intimate bond with another person, where we can share our well-being, but not mortgage it. In a relationship you must continue with your priorities, with your goals and routines, so that this relationship is a new experience in your life, not a transformation that makes you lose focus on yourself and then makes you feel isolated and lonely.

• You may be interested in: "The 10 types of values: principles that govern our lives"

4. Communication

Communication in a couple works when it is assertive, that is, when you don't lose your honesty about what you want, don't want, can or can't. Communication must also be empathetic, as this helps you understand the other. If your communication is opaque, there is sarcasm or demand, your self-esteem will be seen more and more affected by your own communication (what we say affects our way of living and seeing what occurs).

5. emotion management

A key factor, since we are emotional beings, and how you manage certain emotions, such as fear, insecurity, anger, guilt or discouragement situations arise that put your self-esteem and well-being in difficulty (within or not the relationship).

6. Vision of the relationship

A relationship should be an experience to share well-being, not for your well-being to depend on the relationship.

• Related article: "The rules of communication in the couple"

The relationship between self-esteem and life as a couple

Relationships are an experience we experience well-being but we can't control it. In the same way, in a breakup we feel that we have lost control over a well-being and security that was a pillar in your day to day. For this reason, it is common for fears and insecurities to arise in relationships, and in turn they represent an opportunity to learn to manage what you feel.

When you don't manage your emotions in a functional way, habits arise, behaviors that are repeated and that generate more and more anxiety.

In turn, the fear of losing relationships prevents us from communicating assertively and setting clear limits. This orientation to give in to the other makes crises or conflicts more complicated experiences.

Improve your self-esteem so that your relationships improve

Improving your self-esteem depends on you, on working with you, on learn to manage what you feel and change your focus on yourself and on how to live relationships. The couple relationship is always a complex experience that depends on the state of two different people. The only thing we can do (and the most valuable thing) is to work with you, so that your well-being depends on you (not on the relationship). and so you can live more positive relationships, both with yourself and with the world and with a possible partner (a current or future).

The possible change is the one that occurs in you

One of the most important lessons learned from relationships (as well as relationships in general) is that we can't control that link. It is made up of different people, who, no matter how many come together, always have different visions. Building a positive relationship implies that acceptance, trust, and, in turn, clear limits are generated. For this reason your self-esteem must work before living the relationship.

In the same way, in the face of ruptures or crises it is necessary to live a process of internal change so that the situation does not overwhelm you and generate more anxiety and discouragement.

If you want to achieve this, the opportunity arises through your own decision and determination. The moment you decide that you want to change what is happening to you, you are already taking the most important step. If you want me to help you achieve it, that first step is very simple. In Human Empowerment You have an option available to schedule a first session with me. In that session or psychological consultation we can get to know each other, discover what is the greatest difficulty in your case, and decide how we can solve it in a stable way.

At all times you will have my company, not only with eventual sessions. You will be able to ask me what you need and receive support when it is most important to you, in addition to having weekly tools and sessions. The change you need comes when you make the decision to live that path.

Thank you for thinking of you, Rubén (Psychologist and Human Empowerment coach)