Melissa Santamaría: "Practicing forgiveness is beyond the logic of many"

Forgiving is much more than settling conflicting situations; it is also one of the most important emotion management resources. Forgiveness involves significant changes in both who forgives and who apologizes and tries to make amends, but this is something that many people overlook.

To learn more about the potential of forgiveness, in this case we spoke with the psychologist Melissa Santamaría, who will speak to us from his professional experience and from the findings made in Psychology.

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Interview with Melissa Santamaría: forgiveness and its importance

Melissa Santamaría is a psychologist and psychotherapist who is an expert in the treatment of anxiety problems, and she works both in her Medellín practice and through video call sessions. Beyond patient care, this professional also develops various training courses and programs; Among the initiatives she is working on, her next online workshop stands out, “Turn forgiveness into gratitude”, which will take place on March 24. That is precisely what we will talk about with her in this interview: the psychological value of forgiveness.

From the point of view of psychology, what does it mean to know how to forgive?

There are many theories about guilt or forgiveness. But I was delighted to accept this interview so that I could help people understand that forgiveness itself is liberation, that it benefits both the person asking for forgiveness and the person giving it.

I can describe forgiveness in psychology with the word release. We release a person from an obligation or punishment. We must keep in mind that when you allow yourself to forgive, it is not only forgiving the other person but also ourselves.

From psychology I can say that forgiveness is transcending our limiting beliefs, not letting ourselves be pigeonholed by insecurity. It is very difficult to make this change of perception, but we must understand that we all make mistakes, being forgiveness a decision that allows us to see beyond the limits, appropriating our capacity to liberate and Free us.

Practicing forgiveness sometimes escapes the logic of many, and it is something that we can confirm by looking at ourselves: at first glance it can be easy to understand the nature of forgiveness when we are presented with situations in which we are not directly involved, because as the offense towards us increases, our reasoning. Who has not been destabilized or has seen things in a different way when being hurt?

Let's take forgiveness as an attitude in which we must be willing to accept our responsibility, understanding that everything has a cause and a consequence.

How are forgiveness and anxiety related?

The relief of stress and anxiety are the main factors in the relationship that has forgiveness and well-being. Many prefer to forget and let things go before apologizing, a big mistake.

He who does not have the ability to forgive is more likely to suffer from anxiety, cardiovascular problems, depression, chronic back pain, and his immune system will malfunction. In addition, it affects the social life of the person, because by feeling miserable he will not be able to enjoy his life fully.

Forgiveness is an active decision and this offers a positive benefit: compassion, empathy and understanding towards the person who has done us an affront. That's why forgiveness is so linked to mental health.

How can you combine the need to learn from our mistakes in personal relationships, on the one hand, and the ability to forgive those who hurt us, on the other?

We must admit that people make mistakes, but learning to forgive is a skill that we must constantly practice. The way to combine both is through the grieving phases.

When they cause us harm, we can notice the same somatic symptoms linked to a loss (guilt, hostile reactions, loss of behavior patterns) and the best way to carry out the phases is by living in the here and the now.

When you experience rejection, remember that it is only a natural escape that is cushioning the impact you have had to help you little by little to assimilate reality.

It is normal to feel anger, as it is a very useful mechanism to express your feelings. Those that are often difficult for you to express.

It is completely normal to feel weak and remember what has happened to you. Working through pain is important, but you must remember that you are in a temporary phase and even if you allow yourself to feel what you feel in the moment, you cannot stay there forever. If you fall, you can get back on your feet.

Then, gradually, you will understand that the affront they did to you helped you grow as a person in many ways and you will learn a lesson from this whole process.

As a psychologist, what role do you think forgiveness plays in psychotherapy?

You have to stop the harmful process of resentment, it is the main task of forgiveness therapy. In it you can afford the following processes.

The first is to express your emotions: whatever damage has been done to you, it is very important that you know that it is understandable that you feel bad. As I have explained before, you will go through the phases of grief and you may experience many feelings during these phases.

Many people make the terrible mistake of suppressing these emotions, but they are not aware that what they do is generate more suffering.

Secondly, you have to understand why: when they hurt us, we will always try to find a reasonable explanation. Sometimes that search becomes an insane process that, whether we like it or not, plays against us.

In these cases, therapy is appropriate because we do not need a why, but accept that there may not be a reason. reasonable explanation and that is exactly the first step to begin to close this black episode that we are living.

We must also have security again: it is essential when forgiving to have security in ourselves ourselves, that means that we are fully aware that we are never going to allow this affront to happen again. pass.

Although you cannot be sure that "it will never happen again", despite the fact that we are careful, harboring fear in us will truncate the forgiveness process.

Finally, you have to let go: conscious decision promising yourself that you will not hold a grudge for what happened. Doesn't sound easy right? But it's not impossible.

If we leave our role as victims, we will have a greater capacity to recover our strength and security. That is why it is essential to let go of the anger and resentment that we hold, so we prevent anger from controlling us and exerting a harmful influence on our lives.

What do you think are the main skills to learn to forgive?

Before mentioning these abilities, I must emphasize: Anger reduces our ability to see things from another perspective and even more to put ourselves in the place of others. Counter stress when it happens: Calm yourself in the moment. Here either a breathing technique or a relaxation technique may be involved. You can also go out and take a walk, the important thing is to pause, creating distance between what happened and your reaction so that you can behave in a better way.

You should also keep in mind that forgiveness is not for the other person but for yourself.

On the other hand, you have to be positive: paying attention to the good things that happen in life is a simple way to balance the damage.

Fourth, keep in mind that everything in life does not turn out the way you want. We all make mistakes, but if you look beyond it and choose to forgive, your stress levels will drop dramatically.

How can those skills be developed?

We must bear in mind that forgiveness is learned, but we must be willing to try it from the heart. You can develop these skills in a number of ways. For example, finding time to meditate is one way to explore your mind. With this technique we can manage to release any resentment that we have encysted.

Also, it can be achieved through positive visualization; We can imagine that we have a knot in our chest and as we do a diaphragmatic breath, we imagine that this knot is coming undone. Imagination has unimaginable power, therefore, you will feel more liberated.

Third, it should be remembered that forgiving is not the same as reconciling. You must bear in mind that when you forgive you put aside your own suffering and that it does not mean tolerating the affront that has been done to you.

You can also write a letter "Forgiveness Letter" where all your feelings are highlighted. You don't have to send it, but it is another form of positive imagery where you put everything you feel on paper, and mitigate those feelings of revenge that are born of the hostility you feel.

Also, don't indulge in negative thoughts; The fact that an inconsiderate and insensitive person committed an affront to you does not mean that you should follow his example. Move in environments that produce well-being where your mind can be at peace.

Many times we fall into the cycle of non-forgiveness because there are things that we also do not forgive ourselves. You can start from there, understand that no one is perfect, we all make mistakes.

Finally, you deserve compassion and understanding to be able to find that freedom you need to live in peace. The ability to forgive is not the same for all individuals, some may take longer than others, but it is a goal that can be achieved.