Paloma Rodriguez Calvo: "Accepting oneself does not consist in resigning"

There is no doubt that practically all the emotions that take place in our minds are expressed through our way of interacting with the outside world, whether we want it or not. In fact, the more intense and significant those feelings are, the more important their effects will be on what we do and what others can see.

Of course, everything that has to do with our self-esteem and the way we see ourselves ourselves has a strong emotional charge, and one of the areas of life in which we most influence that is our way of relating to the people we care about.

To better understand this link between self-love (or lack thereof) and social life, we have interviewed the psychologist Paloma Rodriguez Calvoher, that she works every day in contact with this issue.

• Related article: "Low selfsteem? When you become your own worst enemy"

Interview with Paloma Rodriguez: the link between self-love and personal relationships

Paloma Rodriguez Calvo She is a General Health Psychologist and runs the Reinventar-se Crecimiento psychological assistance center, located in Bilbao. In this interview, she explains how self-love is linked to the ability to develop healthy and stable relationships in our lives.

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Is it possible to have a satisfying social life if we don't love ourselves?

Whether we like each other or not does not prevent us from relating to others and having an active social life. We might even come to feel that our social life is fulfilling simply by being in contact with other people.

However, if we measure our social satisfaction in terms of the quality of interpersonal relationships, loving ourselves undoubtedly plays a fundamental role.

If when relating to others we start from a relationship of self-love, in which our worth is not depends on others, we will have a greater facility when it comes to maintaining sincere social relationships and trust.

However, when we interact from a lack of self-love, we will be more predisposed to seek constantly the approval of others and to relate to the need for others to supply this lack. In this case, it is more likely that dependency, insignificant and unsatisfactory social relationships appear.

To carry out a quality social life we ​​must not forget to take care of the relationship we have with ourselves, as this has a great influence in the way in which we relate to others and with our environment, thus playing a role in our personal satisfaction at all levels.

Taking into account that self-esteem is also formed through how we see that others treat us, can it be said that someone with a lack of self-esteem enters into a vicious circle? That is, as you underestimate yourself, others do too, and this causes you to continue self-sabotaging yourself.

When a person does not feel valid enough, it may happen that their attention is unconsciously focused on events, moments or people that do not make you feel valued, feeding back your discomfort and feeling less valid still.

This circle could be expressed as:

-I don't love myself because I'm worthless. -The rest do not show that I am worth when they relate to me. -The others are confirming that I am worthless. -I don't love me. (and start again…)

One explanation for this is a misperception and interpretation of reality that is based on cognitive biases like confirmation.

This bias makes us more predisposed to perceive information from the environment that confirms what we have already internalized. In this case, if I think I'm not worth it, I unconsciously find reasons around me that show me that I'm right, I confirm my idea and start over. All of this is in turn influenced by personal beliefs about who we are and what determines our personal worth.

Each case is unique, and it is necessary to make an individual assessment to find the way out of the loop. The good news is that the cycle can be broken. For this, self-knowledge, self-compassion and the practice of mindfulness can be of great help. If necessary, the guidance of a good professional can be the key to getting out of this loop of suffering.

We cannot deny the influence that others can have on our self-esteem, but it is worth mentioning that a Consolidated and strong self-esteem will never be based on things that do not depend on oneself, such as the treatment that others give us Our value depends, in the first instance, on how we see and treat ourselves.

Probably, many of the people who lack self-esteem will believe that they have an objective vision of themselves. However, is it difficult to recognize these biases in yourself?

Indeed. In general, we all tend to think that our way of perceiving the world and interpreting reality is more objective than it really is.

We tend to believe that the vision we have of ourselves, regardless of whether it is positive or negative, is based on real and unquestionable data. But this belief is far from reality, since the vision of oneself is based, for the most part, on subjective experiences.

For people who lack self-esteem, this works especially against them, since, believing that their vision of themselves is completely objective, they feel that they are as they are and there is no possibility of change.

To break with this bias, we need to develop our capacity for discernment, whose starting point is the questioning of our reality and self-observation.

Questioning ourselves and observing with greater depth and understanding what we think and feel is the way to recognize and break with these biases, thus allowing us to build a selfconcept kinder and more compassionate to live in a more adapted and happy way.

With regard to relationships, is it common for those who have self-esteem problems to tend to Being with people who are willing to “fill” that affective gap through a dominant attitude and controller?

A person with self-esteem problems can manifest it in various ways in an affective relationship. For example, you may tend to associate with someone who makes you feel valid and important. constantly, regardless of the methods you use to do so (control, dominance, attention, careful…); but it could also be the other way around, becoming the person who needs to control and dominate others as a protection mechanism against their lack of self-esteem. For this reason, I don't think we can talk about a general trend that, in my opinion, simplifies things too much and can lead to blame.

Low individual self-esteem affects the couple and can be the cause of maladaptive couple models, such as those in which one member is very demanding, putting too much weight on his partner, or on the contrary, very avoidant, creating a barrier when it comes to communicating and sharing with the other his privacy. It is always necessary to make a precise assessment of each particular case and not generalize.

Self-love helps us choose how to connect with others without depending on the need to cover an individual lack that is not covered. For this reason, good self-esteem is a very valuable resource when it comes to knowing how you want to relate, understanding your limits and those of the other person and choosing the best for both of you.

It may come to be thought that perfectionism and low self-esteem are practically opposite poles, because being a perfectionist with what you do is associated with having ambition. However, in many cases this is not the case, and the need to do things right down to the last detail gives way to self-esteem problems. Does this have much influence on the way we compare ourselves with others?

Perfectionism and low self-esteem go hand in hand. Perfectionists strive to maintain inordinately high standards in all areas of their lives. Since perfection does not exist, being constantly in search of it leads to great frustration, and consequently, to low self-esteem.

Perfectionism is associated with a lack of confidence and security that generates constant comparisons between us and the rest, whose focus is in those qualities of others that we consider to be above ours, generating a permanent feeling of inferiority.

Today, this problem and suffering increases with the use of social networks, in which everyone shows their best version, filtered and little realistic, making the comparison with others more of a fiction than reality, generating non-conformity with oneself and discomfort individual.

Perfectionism and lack of security increase irrational comparisons with others, something that affects our self-esteem, and consequently, our relationships.

You are an expert in Mindfulness, and this type of practice with therapeutic potential is based a lot on the idea of ​​acceptance. How does this mentality influence when building self-love?

He mindfulness or mindfulness is a practice that aims to cultivate the qualities of the mind that allow us to pay attention to the present moment without judging it and develop an attitude of acceptance before the things.

Psychological acceptance means steeling yourself to be willing to experience whatever is happening here and now. (emotions, thoughts, memories…) without changing it, obeying it or escaping from it, including the acceptance of who I am right now and how I feel. I perceive.

Taking into account that one of the most important pillars of self-esteem is the acceptance of one As such, working on the development of this attitude goes in the direction of creating a self-concept positive. Eye! Accepting oneself does not consist in resigning; It means not rejecting what we are, regardless of whether we like it or not, and setting strategies for the transformation of what, depending on us, we can change.

The acceptance of oneself from the practice of Mindfulness carries the idea of ​​compassion for what prepares us for change from a calmer, more conscious and self-love perspective.

What can Psychology do to help those who are unable to develop satisfactory relationships due, in part, to their lack of self-esteem?

Psychology studies how our way of acting, thinking and feeling is related, it helps us to explain how what we do, we think and feel affects our assessment of ourselves (self-esteem) and how this is in turn influencing our relations. If we do not understand why it happens to us, it is very difficult to know where we have to intervene and influence in order to transform things.

For this reason, psychology becomes the instrument through which we can come to understand, on a deep, where our lack of self-love comes from and how our relationships with others are affecting us. the rest.

From this understanding, psychology provides the necessary tools for understanding and transforming what causes us discomfort. In other words, it not only helps us find an explanation of why what happens to us happens to us, but also provides the instruments that We need, on an individual level, to learn to relate to ourselves and the environment that surrounds us in a more positive. For example, through the development of communication, empathy, listening and acceptance skills, among others. Something fundamental for the cultivation of healthy relationships.

In conclusion, thanks to psychology we can unmask the mechanisms and processes that have led us to live from the lack of love towards ourselves, understand how this is affecting our relationships and develop skills that favor the development of more satisfactory.