Interview with Javier Álvarez: what is couples therapy based on?

Couples therapy is not simply a chat with a psychologist involved; It is, among other things, a type of experience in which a readjustment is sought both emotionally and in relation to the way in which the two people communicate with each other and live together.

However, this is a complex process. It is no coincidence that in order to carry out couples therapy effectively as professionals, training from several years of study and practical experience treating various cases of patients is needed. To better understand what are the psychological dynamics that take place in couples therapy, in this case We interviewed an expert on the subject, Javier Álvarez Cáceres.

• Related article: "What is the goal of couples therapy?"

Interview with Javier Álvarez Cáceres: what is couples therapy built on?

Javier Alvarez Caceres He is a General Health Psychologist and an expert in couples therapy. He has more than 15 years of experience caring for adults with different types of problems emotional, relational or behavioral, and currently attends in his consultation located in Malaga. In this interview he talks to us about the psychological factors that come into play in couples therapy.

Is it common for us to be more competent at detecting failures in other people's relationships than in our own?

Totally, we could say that we are more generous with ourselves, with our relationship, than with that of others.

The result of this "generosity" is not that we no longer detect failures in other people's relationships, possibly also the we detect in ours, but in our experience we justify and understand why we do a certain thing action. In the face of other people's relationships, intentionally or unintentionally, we end up judging.

A typical example is when we see a couple talking and the child with the mobile, what do we think? Without realizing that we were doing it yesterday.

What are the aspects of love and living with a partner that can lead us to ignore warning signs about the state of the relationship?

The main aspect is the lack of illusion, the reluctance, when we look for excuses to be late for home, when we notice and feel that something is not going as it should, but we are lazy to see what is happening.

A sign that does not usually fail is the lack of communication, I do not feel like telling my partner depending on what, or I prefer to tell a friend or a colleague first. If we are sincere and coherent with ourselves, our emotions do not stop sending us messages about what is going on in our heads. Our behavior is the result of what we think and what we feel.

Once you are aware that you have a problem, in the relationship... is it common not to dare to say it in out loud, and talk about it with the other person to go to couples therapy or at least try to change some habits?

We tend to minimize it, we tell ourselves things like it's a bad run, it'll pass, and thoughts like that. "We kick and throw the ball forward."

• Unfortunately we do not usually verbalize it until the level of discomfort is very high. Most couples come to couples therapy at a very high level of unrest, with which what at first could be changing some habits or improving communication has become a major couple crisis.

In your professional experience, have you come across many cases of people who go to couples therapy having a very wrong idea about what the root of their problem is?

There is everything, there are couples in which one of the members did not even know they had problems, and there are couples who are very aware that it has led them to the current situation.

At the level of professional experience, the most common in terms of wrong ideas is the idea that it is the other who has to change for this to go well, when in reality we don't realize that we are a system, and that if I change the other part of the system they will have no choice but to change.

It is easier for me to treat someone well so that they treat me well, than for them to treat me well so that I treat that someone well.

Another example would be communication, let's start a conversation instead of waiting for my partner to come to me to tell me something... It is about assuming responsibilities, having an active and not a passive attitude to achieve a change in the type of relationship.

How do you try to prevent couples therapy sessions from turning into a battle of egos to see who is right?

Couples therapy is a structured intervention in which objectives are set according to the demand made by the couple. It is the job of the psychologist to maintain order, so that this fight between egos does not lead to turning the session into a copy of the discussions that take place in the private sphere, "the office is not a ring."

Personally, I suggest to couples that therapy is not a tennis match in which balls are thrown and the psychologist is the chair umpire to see who scores (who is right). Therapy is an intervention aimed at reducing the discomfort of the couple, provoking and producing the change of those behaviors that are eroding the relationship.

And in your opinion, what are the most useful therapeutic tools to help couples in therapy?

Therapeutic tools vary greatly depending on what has caused a couple to come to therapy. Broadly speaking, three areas are worked on: cognitive, emotional and behavioral. Depending on which area is most deteriorated, the intervention is focused in one way or another.

At first it is important to "create a team", to show that there is no good or bad, that we have a problem that affects both of us and that between the two of us we have to solve it.

Couples therapy is a very dynamic intervention, where the couple and the psychologist "roll up their sleeves" and start working by giving 200x100, even if it is without desire. Without desire because if the relationship is very deteriorated there is no desire, the desire will come as the therapy progresses, because we will go out looking for them.

As the therapy progresses, we are incorporating tools aimed at improving coexistence and communication with the aim of reducing conflict and increasing well-being emotional.