Love and self-esteem in times of narcissism

There is much talk of success, but little of personal self-realization. he already said it abraham maslow when in 1943, he created his theory of human motivation represented as a pyramid of needs. From the most basic (survival), to the highest as self-realization.

After the need to self-esteem, self-recognition and recognition by others, we need to self-realize. Give meaning to the actions we perform. Self-actualization is the last scale of the pyramid. It is the growth motivation, the “need to be”.

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The importance of not confusing self-esteem and narcissism

Until now it is "fashionable" to have self-esteem, but it has not been said how to do it. In USA In the US, there was a movement in favor of promoting self-esteem, but it was not clear how to carry it out. This caused the percentage of people with narcissistic traits to increase. We are favoring individualism without empathy, instead of self-love taking others into account.

However, in our country, we come from two opposite and non-integrated parenting models. The authoritarian, where you have to be tough, strong, minimize or hide emotions and repress them. Fostering self-sufficiency. And the overprotective, who promotes emotional dependence, obedience, putting himself in the background and loving others over love for oneself. People can have difficulties identifying what a healthy self-esteem is.

The narcissist has an idealized image of himself. He is egocentric, he does not empathize. He only does it in case of negative reciprocity, that is, when it comes to obtaining a benefit at the expense of the other party.

When asked to describe our ideal partner, we are likely to say traits that narcissists can have: confident of themselves, extroverted, who fight for what they want, who have many interests or hobbies... It would be more appropriate ask us. How does that person make us feel? Instead of focusing on qualities, see how he makes you feel. How are your emotions when you are with someone? Are you calm or calm? Or, on the contrary, are you alert, do you feel bad or defensive?

The narcissist seeks followers (followers). If we only look for people to admire, listen to or focus on, we will probably run into many. They look for excessively empathic people. Empathy is a quality, but like all personality traits, you have to keep it balanced. If the person always puts the other before himself, he will lower her self-esteem, and he will not feel that he is taken into account. If, on the contrary, you give yourself excessive importance and make it obvious what the rest need, you err on the side of self-centeredness. There are people who pay homage to themselves. Thus, as Aristotle said “In medio Virtus”. Virtue is in balance, neither in excess nor in defect.

• You may be interested in: "How do you know if your partner is narcissistic?"

What is really a good self-esteem?

Nowadays empowerment and good self-esteem are confused with a defensive, haughty, egoic attitude. When a person feels good about themselves, it is very natural. He's not showing off. When there is self-esteem there is balanced empathy.

Self-esteem is an “I-you”. If I am a “yoyo”, I am going to seek to be admired, followed, deified. I'm going to have an inflated self-esteem, in short, false, because the moment they criticize me, I'm going to get enraged, or I'm going to minimize the other. When I am a “you-you”, then I am going to act like a martyr, always sacrificed for others, and I am going to feel that I am not taken into account, that I am not considered, that I am not important.

When self-esteem is balanced there is an "I-you". I matter just like you. We are both important. There are no relations of power or inequality.

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Establishing healthy relationships

When we connect with someone, be it as a partner, friendship or another role, we have to see how we do it. If our attachment is anxious, we will deify our partner or others. We are going to consider ourselves less than the other and we are going to tend to blame them for not giving us what we need. Ask yourself: do you know yourself and know what you need and want? Are you not holding the other responsible for how you feel? Do you know how to be in intimacy? Or when you are in private do you put yourself in the background?

We must not only focus on what happens to us with others, but on seeing how we bond. What roles do we follow? If we associate with narcissists, it is because we have the role of followers, empathetic, focused on others. You have to break with it.

And if we are the ones who behave from a defensive, egoic position, putting everything that is ours before above the rest, let us observe that, although at first they follow us or admire us, later they get tired of us. The other is not an extension of you, he has his own identity. When there is balanced self-esteem, as stated in Transactional Analysis, a humanistic theory of personality and human relationships, we have the existential position of: "I am fine and you are fine". I accept myself and I accept you, even if you don't think, feel or behave the same as me.

When there is narcissism, "I am good and you are bad". I minimize you, because I have to be above you. On the contrary, when self-esteem is low, "I am bad and you are good". Your needs do matter, and mine don't. And you? From what existential position do you link yourself?